I'm mediocre. And I hate it.

I spent so many years trying to be "well rounded" that I never really got *good* at anything. I was a mediocre DJ. I am a mediocre singer. I am a mediocre writer. Passable, but not great.

I'm a mediocre employee. I'm good at being a self checkout attendant, but I am only so so in a check stand (my production numbers suck) and I have an attitude problem when I feel something is unjust, or if I don't get my break in a reasonable amount of time.

I'm a mediocre friend. Sometimes I'm loyal ride or die, and other times I want to care but I just don't.

I was a mediocre student when I was in school. Not living up to my "potential" they said. Whatever.

When all you are is mediocre, it becomes so hard to care about anything anymore. Because you feel like you'll never be good enough anyway.

Well, it's official..

...I have been accepted for admittance at PCC. Of course, it will hinge on financial aid (NO LOANS! just grants and scholarships), but my plan is to go take some writing classes so I can get better at writing articles, with the goal of becoming a travel journalist. Journalism degree? Not sure yet. But I want to be a better writer.
In other news, I will be at $15 an hour at Freddy's most likely by sometime next week. Then I decide if the pay raise is enough to keep me there. I'll give it at least a month before I decide. And if the answer is no, then I start trying harder to find a different job. That pays *over* $15 an hour. If it exists.
So, day off tomorrow, take PCC placement tests either online or at the SE Campus, since it's been so long (27 years!!!) since I've been in school. Work on my FAFSA. Check out what writing classes are available. Possibly join Chloe on her adventure to the Portland Art Museum.
But now, time to get ready to leave for work.

My everything hurts...

My whole body hurts from 5 straight 9+ hour shifts at Freddy's. I need to do laundry but I'm dreading having to carry the super heavy laundry basket downstairs to the laundry room. I'm hoping it was just because of the long week, and not a thing that's going to make me wind up having to quit for my health. I hit up Byram last week but haven't heard back. I have one of his customers calling my personal cell phone needing help because he couldn't get a hold of  Byram, so that tells me he's probably not back on track with T&T yet, if he ever will be.

Ok, laundry is in, and yes it was painful. And I am sooooo unmotivated to do much of anything else right now. Depression? Exhaustion? Probably. I can't even think of anything to write. Ugh.

Well, fuck.

So sometime between October and April, Lyft changed "5 years since DUI" to "7 years since DUI" so now I have to wait another damn year. WTF.
I'm going to lose my damn mind. Time to really sit down and focus on blogging and affiliate marketing as a money making gig.
On the plus side, I only have 119 hours left to work before I'm at $15 an hour at my current job. If I can survive that long. Don't get me wrong, I love customer service and I am good at it. No, when I will leave it will be because of one person.
John Hitt told me yesterday that I am essential to the front end, I am good at what I do and they need me. I'm glad at least someone higher up than me feels that way. It helps keep me motivated to not flip my shit on this one other person.
Seriously I'm just tired of the stupid drama. Hence the upcoming Freddy's-as-a-high-school screenplay. Some people are not going to be happy about how I characterize them. Some people won't realize that it's intended to be exaggerated and satirical. So it won't be released until I no longer work there. Which, considering how slow I am at writing, shouldn't be an issue, lol.

Mean Clerks (working title)

So I think I've figured out how to deal with my work stress. I'm going to write a screenplay. Turn Freddy's into a high school. People who work there will be characters in the story. Dave is the leader of the rock band (of course-no brainer). Clark is the guy who always gets the lead in the school play. Joshua is his understudy. Simone is the really nice girl that everybody likes. Sir John, of course, is the GBF diva. Parker is that sarcastic bitch that everybody likes even if they won't admit it. Nick is the nice-guy-with-a dark side. I'll add more as I think of it. The story starts out with me as the new girl in school. Nice girl but kind of an attitude. It ends with me telling the next new girl my story. EEE!! I'm excited about this idea.

Holding out for a hero

I keep feeling, dear God, send someone to rescue me from this hell I've created for myself. Then I realize I have to be my own hero. But where do I start? Different job. But I work so much it's hard to find one. All the rejection letters certainly don't help my motivation. I'm reapplying for Lyft on Monday, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.. else rejection will be devastating. I'm just so sick of my current workplace. I like what I do, I'm just sick of the stupid drama. And feeling trapped. I've worked so many jobs that *I* decide when I take a break that being forced into a set breaktime is frustrating. I need to go back to working from home. Except then I'll get less exercise unless I make myself join a gym or something.
But. I need to be my own hero and get this shit figured out.