So thankful. But I feel guilty.

So I got my state tax return direct deposit. $305, not a huge amount, but I got it instead of it being garnished for student loans. When I finally get my federal, that's another $1232. Plus $1200 stimulus. Plus currently getting $894/wk on unemployment. And then more when I find my 2018 W2s and file my return. 

I am so grateful, but at the same time I feel bad for being ok when so many are struggling. I want to go help people, but can barely handle the anxiety to go grocery shopping. I don't want to get this virus. The accounts I've read are horrifying. Feeling like you're suffocating, or drowning..  I already have panic attacks when I can't swallow or breathe, even for a moment.. this virus carries that feeling on for days, even weeks. I just can't. I'm going to find a way. So far, though, I've pretty much been homebound. I only leave for groceries (9/10 its Freddy's.. I think I've been to Winco like once), Plaid Pantry, liquor store (twice), and dispensary (more for Chloe than me). And whatever fast food drive thru my ride wants to go to (a few times.. Wendy's, Taco Bell, Jack in a Box, McDonalds). I hate that I'm gaining weight. Need to get back on my diet and start going on walks again.  And quit fucking smoking, ugh. Need a hysterectomy after this is all over but have to be nicotine free for 6 weeks first. 

Started rewatching Grimm. Kinda cool seeing all the landmarks I recognize.. wish I had been more into it before it got cancelled and was still filming here. Ok bedtime. Need to find those 2018 W2s tomorrow.  And pay bills. And shower. And celebrate 4/20. :)