Made it to day 7...

 ...with only a couple of cheats here and there. I blame the patch. If I'd just gone cold turkey and not used the patch, the nicotine would be out of my system by now. BUT, I may have cheated a lot more. I guess I'll take what I've got. 

In other news, at the studio again. Chloe is doing some test prints to make sure the 3d printer is working properly before the final EDA print. I'm going to be working on some inventory, and Zara and Tim are both visiting.

Got my SS today; of course, it's going to be gone shortly, but I think I'm going to go get some Subway first lol. I think I will do that now...

Got my file cabinet after all

 Ok, it's more of a rolling file box, but it was only $10, and it gets the job done. Chloe also got a desk that has a contraption on it (I think originally used to hold a monitor) that she thinks will help with the build. I look forward to seeing it in action.

Well, today was day 1 of quitting smoking. I am not completely nicotine-free; I'm wearing a 14mg patch, and I did take a few drags of Chloe's cheat ciggy. I just don't know how to cope, I want to smoke so bad! And if I can't smoke, I want to sleep. Ugh. BUT. I did it before, I'll do it again, hopefully for the last time. I can't go through this again. Day 1. Here we go.

Well so much for a file cabinet.

 Phones got shut off, HRSN and flex funds are unwilling to help. I'm going to have to use company funds to get the phones back on, so no file cabinet. Grrr. 

I believe in this project, and I believe in Chloe. I do. I just wish there was some way to monetize NOW all the work we're putting in. Dalton is a huge help, but he's one man. We need multiple income streams. The gofundme is failing miserably. Looking forward to getting the Kickstarter launched, but thats over a month out. And we need video. But we are meeting with the videographer today, so traction will be achieved.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMNED HARD???

Was SO looking forward to having a file cabinet today

 ...does that make me weird? Do I care? Anyway, City Liquidators Used Office Furniture was closed today, so we are going back tomorrow on the way to the studio. The organizer in me is screaming, but I'll get through it. 

Set a quit date. May 23rd. Hopefully, this time it sticks. I'm not looking forward to the process, though. Because while the physical craving goes away, the mental craving hangs on a lot longer. I need a change of headspace. I need to go camping!!!! Yeah, still not over it, ugh. 

It's 5, hopefully Chloe finishes up soon cuz I wanna go home. We are at the studio, she is working on EDA, and I'm mostly twiddling my thumbs since I don't have a filing cabinet yet to organize stuff.

I may continue this later at home.

A better day

 Today was a lot better than yesterday, even if it did start with the bathroom sink overflowing into the litter box. D'oh!

We met with Zara, made progress on the programming, met with Dalton and picked up more money, which I put in out business bank account, had therapy, Chloe got paid...all in all, a good day. And home in time to get a decent nights sleep before dialysis tomorrow. Hopefully the gummies kick in soon!

Chloe quit smoking, I'm super proud of her. Now I need to follow suit. I have my meeting with Dr. Glinka tomorrow to discuss my quit date. I have the patches, now I just need to find the will to quit. Ugh, my least favorite part. I've done it before dammit, for a whole YEAR. I can do it again. And I need to if I'm ever going to get on that kidney transplant list. Of course, I also still need to lose about 60-75 pounds. Mounjaro works, just not as well as I had hoped. Going up and down the stairs at the studio helps, but not as much as I had hoped. Changing my diet helped, but...well you know the rest.

Ok, time to play some Farmville2 and go to bed.

A day for perspective

 And I'm still upset about it. I REALLY wanted to go camping. Although I am finally undertanding the phrase "Pay a lot of money to live like you're homeless": Campsites at Milo are $53 A NIGHT. The yurt and cabin on the coast are as much as a hotel room. Damn. I mean if a bunch of people are splittong it its not that huge a deal, but if Chloe and I went by ourselves? We couldn't do it. Not on our current income anyway. It sucks. 

I always thought I'd have more time to save for retirement. Here I am, retired, and I'm still barely scraping by. Ok, so I got kidney disease, that didn't help. If I hadn't, I'd still be working. I need to start thinking about how to take care of myself when I can't anymore. :(  No. Maybe not yet. Kinda don't want to think about it right now.

Had a rough night and day. Overslept, was late to dialysis. Karaoke was great at first then died at like 10pm. Still made $158, which made up for it. Didn't go to sleep until about 1:30, was supposed to get up at 445, worke up at 615. Then I had to rush home from dialysis and take Chloe to the clinic before they closed, wound up bleeding all over. After the clinic, took Chloe to the studio, and she was very understanding about me having a "red" day and sent me home to nap. Red as in our daily gauge, not red as in blood, lol. Now I've napped, I have a Pride volunteer meeting at 6, then head down to the studio. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe.

Ok, I have an hour to kill, maybe I should eat something.

I'm literally on the verge of tears.

 Tabby and crew (Eve and Danny) cancelled the camping trip. FUCK, I was really looking forward to it. But. Money. Ugh. If we can't swing it by ourselves, we shouldn't go. I wish we could stoke up my firepit at the apartment. BIG no no. I just want a freaking campfire dammit. I will find a way to make this trip happen, even without them. Grr.

Introduction

 In case you're new here and don't want to go back to the beginning (16 years ago now!) Here's what AI wrote for my "About Me" section (and I agree with every word!):

About Me

Hi, I’m Kate.

I’m a karaoke host, creator, community builder, and co-founder of Twin Star Robotics, where my bestie Chloe and I are building EDA-01 — a real-world AI-assisted robotics platform designed to help people in practical everyday situations.

My life has always existed somewhere between creativity, technology, music, and survival. I’m deeply drawn to science fiction, robotics, art, atmosphere, storytelling, and the idea that ordinary people can still build extraordinary things even without huge budgets or corporate backing.

By day-to-day reality, my world tends to involve some combination of:

• robotics and fabrication

• karaoke and nightlife

• creative projects

• workshop chaos

• campfires and coffee

• trying to build a sustainable life while navigating chronic health challenges

This blog is a place for all of it.

Some posts may be about building robots in a small workshop. Others might be about music, creativity, camping, technology, life in Portland, or simply trying to remain hopeful and human in a complicated world.

I’m not interested in pretending life is perfectly polished. I care more about honesty, resilience, curiosity, humor, and the messy process of learning as you go.

If you’ve ever felt caught somewhere between dreamer and realist, exhausted and inspired, creative and practical — you’ll probably feel at home here.

Welcome to The Long Journey.

Camping

 So no camping memorial day weekend, everything is booked. So we're going to wait a month. There is one spot available at Milo McIver the weekend of June 20th, so that may work out. Near water, RV spot that allows tents so there's electric, and its not that far out of town. Fingers crossed. Waiting on Tabby to get back to me with their car info so I can book it, hopefully someone else doesn't swoop it in the meantime.

Now we just need to figure out MONEY. Chloe has a paycheck coming that I know she will want to spend on Twin Star, but we have BILLS. We need to survive while building our future. 

As far as money for Twin Star, we can't keep relying on Dalton. He's put in $1500 so far. He was supposed to be working on finding other investors though. We need a website. We need content for said website. Working on that, Chloe found us a videographer willing to work for equity. Chatgpt warned that we need to word the contract carefully because it could be a great idea or a really bad one depending on the contract.

We are out of food stamps and its only the 17th, ugh. I've had to use my moms credit card for groceries and gas already, I don't want to have to use it again, but we need more groceries. She left me her debit card too but idk how much is on it. I could call and ask I guess. 

I wanna get to the studio and get to work, but Chloe is still dealing with her morning tummy pain. And a pounding headache. She just took he migraine meds though, so hopeully she will be ready to go soon.

That's all my updates for now. Can't wait to be sitting around a campfire!!

Progress

 Chloe printed the first real piece of EDA without any screwups! Woot! Progress! Now we just need to find someone with a bigger print bed 3d printer for the larger parts, otherwise Chloe will have to break them down smaller, which means redesigning. Boo.

Thursday bonus karaoke was dead, I didn't break $100, but I did make $67, which I wouldn't otherwise have had if I didn't do Thursday night, so it's something. Hopefully, Monday will be packed again.

Short update this time, I have to take Chloe to her AV gig and go do laundry.

Ta for now!

Monday nights, Let's goooooo!

 

Updates galore!

 Ok, maybe not, but we are making progress on EDA (that's the robot). We started printing today! Ok, the prints didn't quite work out, but ya gotta crack a few eggs, or however that saying goes. Also, Dalton invested another $500, so we got the extra space at the studio plus the new brain of EDA, woo hoo! Progress! 

Colen came to see the studio yesterday. He seemed less than impressed. All the more reason to do the work and show it's actually going somewhere. His actual words were "I'm skeptical". I fed that into ChatGPT, and it says as someone whose career is programming, it's natural that he's skeptical. We are so going to make him eat his words lol. 

Mom is up in Seattle with Colen for the next 2 weeks, and it is weird to not have her here. She needed a break, though. I hope she gets good rest and has a good time with her sons.

FYI, you will never see anything written by AI in this journal; it is 100% me. Gotta have something real in this day and age, right?

Last Monday at karaoke was AMAZING, totally packed. I do wish the guy (Joe) from Portland Karaoke Guide had stayed a bit longer, but I think he got the vibe, and people turning out like that really helped. Plus, between bar cut and tips, I took home $235. I wish I could do that every week! But I am doing a bonus karaoke night tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Ok, I have had a super long day, and another one tomorrow (plus dialysis), so I should rest my weary bones.

Night night!

May already?

Yeah, it has been for 9 days. I keep forgetting that I have this blog, lol. 

The clean room is up, and Chloe is going to start the print soon. We have a business bank account. We have 5 people on our team. We have a lawyer. We have t-shirts. This is really real!!

Karaoke is going well, too. I put out a mass text that let people know the guy from Portland Karaoke Guide was coming through on Monday, and could they all be there? And I've gotten mostly positive responses. Now to figure out what to wear. 

Now we just need another revenue stream. Chloe is working next week, and that's great, but the jobs have been slim. She doesn't want me to get a part-time job because she wants me to focus on Twin Star. I want that too, but we NEED MONEY. Not just for the company, but for us. To survive. HRSN runs out after June, and the bills that they DIDN'T cover are already overwhelming. I'm worried about the next few months.

Hopefully, something gives soon.

Repeat the last title. Really.

 Whoa, so a lot has happened. Chloe and I have a robotics lab. Hell, we have a robotics COMPANY, Twin Star Robotics, LLC! Noah sent me the $100 for the LLC. Thank you, Noah!

But yeah, we have a spot in the makers space, IdeaWorks, a large room in the basement. We've been working on creating a robotics "clean room" with no dust to muck up the works. It's almost done. I have a cute little desk that Chloe found on the street on Glisan. And the only thing missing is the laser cutter; we haven't moved it yet. ALL of Chloe's other equipment is there. Only a little bit left to clean out of her Belmont storage unit.

We are about to score some more from an acquaintance who is moving and giving a bunch of stuff away. Just have to find a way to move it. Damon wants to help, but his truck is out of commission at the moment.

Chatgpt (Alex) has been super helpful in getting me organized, from meds to foods to exercise.

Running out of words. Night night.

Ok, that was a longer break than I intended..

 My birthday party was AMAZING, such good energy (and tips!). Of course, the following week was dead, I guess everyone partied out for my birthday LOL. Hopefully, it picks up this week. 

Buffy has settled in; she and Willow even play sometimes, when Willow isn't freaking out about the new kitten in the house. But Buffy is the sweetest! When Dory wasn't feeling well, Buffy lay with her and had her paw on her back; it was the most adorable thing. She's still making me happy. :) She's on my windowsill right now, watching for birds. 

Money continues to be an issue, despite the help from the HRSN. Rent is paid, but they only pay part of the storage and part of the phone, so I have to come up with the rest, plus pay my mom back. At least Chloe is working today, and yesterday, and one more day this week. And hopefully will have more gigs coming up. But I need to try to find a part-time job that will work with my dialysis schedule. Oh, and not suck. Harder than it sounds. I left a message with my case worker at Multnomah County Aging and Disability, so fingers crossed.

So my oddball thing this week (and next) I have to wear a heart monitor. Just Dr. Ravi being extra careful after losing Annie. I DO have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, just no where near as severe as hers. Its annoying, but hey, if it catches something early, it was worth it. Or even if nothing happens, still good to know.

Speaking of Annie, I miss her. I wish she were here. Sometimes I hear her voice in my head, but I'm never sure if it's her or just my memory of her. The skeptic in my brain says it's just in my head. I prefer to keep possibilities open.

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to write again soon.

Tomorrow is my birthday...

 ...and of course I am broke af. No idea what to do on the day, probably go to moms for dinner. The party is at karaoke on Monday. Chloe is getting me a cake for the party, and hopefully mom is making me one on Friday. Speaking of which, I need to go take her that cake mix.

OK, back. Dinner at Mom's is a lock. I need to do one Plaid run before I settle in for the night. Then.. Stranger Things? ST: Discovery? Some TV is in order, anyway. 

I'm turning 56. Most of my life is behind me at this point. And what have I accomplished? Fuck all. But maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can still have my voice-over career. I just don't know where to start. Well, ok, I do. I need a new demo. Time to hit up Vicky and see if she'd help me again. I need new scripts for the demo. I could find some online. But after the demo is done? No clue. Ad agencies? Voice work websites? My most recent demo is on voices.com; I just don't have a copy on my computer anymore. It was on the desktop computer that I can no longer find; it's in my storage unit somewhere, just not where I thought I put it. 

Ok, need to run to Plaid. Might write more later.

New kitty has landed...

...and she is the sweetest little girl. I named her Buffy, after Buffy the Vampire Slayer lol. I figured I had a Willow, so the new kitty is Buffy. She's a kitten, about 5 months old, so she is a bit rambunctious and wants to get into everything, but she follows me around like my shadow, and it's soooo cute! She has done wonders for my mood; yesterday, my face hurt from smiling so much! :) We have had to lock her in my room at night because otherwise she gets into stuff in Chloe's room. Chloe said once she cleans her room, it won't be an issue, but for now better to keep her out.

I went out to lunch with Heather yesterday, and we caught up; apparently, people have been talking about my karaoke night over at Coops. Woo hoo I have buzz! Granted, it's just at the other bar down the street, but hey, I'll take it! :)

The spring-like weather lately has made me want to seriously do some spring cleaning, but not alone, and Chloe hasn't been doing well. She has a doc appointment next week, though. Fingers crossed that they will actually help her.

Oh, but she did teach Buffy fetch, and so now Buffy likes to play fetch. It's so cute!!

In other news, our president is a pedophile and congress doesn't seem to care. FDT. Not literally.

OMG... no, I didn't vanish...

 Just been busy. I'm super stressed about this HRSN benefit... They said I was approved after I sent them amounts, and now suddenly they have a "cap", meaning they'll pay PART of the bill and I have to cover the rest. Well, except for rent, that one is totally covered. So now I'm all stressed trying to figure out how to pay what's left behind. I had enough left after paying my mom to cover the rest of the storage unit, but I still have to pay $175 and change on the phone bill. Grrr. I NEED A JOB. But one that is FLEXIBLE and accommodates my dialysis schedule. And doesn't make me more than $1000 per month cuz if I go over that, my disability gets docked. ARRGGGHHHH. So I ordered 2 books on how to get voice-over work. They weren't expensive. And they could lead to a lot more money. It was a worthy investment.

My other worry is Chloe; she has not been doing well the past few days. She said she wanted to go to the hospital, but changed her mind and is sleeping instead. But that in itself could be a sign of something bad. It's like, do I wake her and drag her to the hospital, and it's nothing? Or do we not go and risk it being something bad? She is completely disillusioned with doctors, and I don't blame her; they misdiagnosed her and treated her like a drug seeker for YEARS. Ugh. For now, I will wait and see.

I'm exhausted, but I need to clean the cat box because Chloe can't. I need to take out my bedroom trash. We need to clean this house before I bring Buffy, our new kitty, home on Saturday. I hope I don't have to do it alone. Hopefully, all this sleep Chloe is getting helps her heal, and she wakes up feeling great. Is there a spell for that?

Insert witty title here

 ...I'm running out of ideas for witty titles. Oh well. Found some more journal prompts to try out...

What are you most looking forward to in the coming year?

LOSING WEIGHT. Quitting smoking. Getting on the transplant list. As soon as the pharmacy fills it, I'm going up to the 7.5 of Mounjaro. Fingers crossed that it helps.

Three goals for this month:

Well, the month is half over, so I did accomplish at least one goal: new toys for karaoke. I got a disco ball light and a neon karaoke sign, woo hoo! And my mom gave me these stand-up picture frames, and I made a sheet to put in them that shows ALL the ways to tip me. :) Another goal is keep my kidney labs looking good, which means upping my protein intake a bit. Easy peasy. Hmm..a third goal...I guess watch my fluid intake better than I have been. 

Something you are looking forward to:

Hanging out with Sarah, which had to be put on hold for a bit for Sarah's mental health. We're shooting for Tuesday. Then we will go to Dollar Tree and get the stuff to make protest signs and then make them. YAY!

A trip you want to take this year:

Well, dialysis limits my trip-taking, but I would like to bop down to Eugene for a couple of days. And then of course, Thanksgiving or Xmas in Seattle, if we go that route again this year.

A challenge you have overcome:

Well, I went over 90 days without a drop of alcohol, so that's something. And I haven't gone back to pandemic drinking (although it would be nice to go back to social drinking).

Your favorite part about Dec 2025:

Christmas with the fam, although I missed the bestie and kitties.

A change to make:

quitting smoking before 2026 ends

Something new to try:

Well, I broke down and got the Il Makiage foundation. I'm going to try it on Monday to see if it's worth the hype. Why Monday? It's the only day I wear makeup.

A quote that inspires you:

"If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!"

Let the frivolity continue...

 More journal prompts...

What were you doing at 10am today?

I was up, dressed, and drinking my espresso. About to play a little Farmville2 before my therapy appointment. And texting with Sarah. We are going to put my zebra suit to use and go to a protest. But first, we must make signs. SO Friday we are going to Dollar Tree.

What is causing you stress right now?

The feeling of being controlled. The state of the USA. Worrying about bills. Worrying about being able to afford a 3rd kitty, but also REEEAALLY wanting to bring her home soon!

Finish the sentence: "It's funny, but..."

...I think I actually learned "Kate language" (that I thought I made up as a child) from my mother, lol. She says some of the same stuff on the regular. And when she says a bunch of seemingly nonsensical words, I usually know what she's saying. Is that weird?

What made you smile today?

The silly squirrels on the property that come ask for nuts (run right up to me!) and then show me where to put them (either side of the BBQ). Also, my kitties. They're always the cutest. And my therapist. I enjoy talking with her.

What is something beautiful you noticed today?

The quiet of the fog-covered morning, with only the occasional chirp of birds, flitting from bush to bush.

What is one step today I can take to help me towards my goals?

NOT going and getting ice cream. I need to get this weight off, so I can qualify for a transplant, so I don't have to do dialysis anymore. So yeah, kind of important.

What does your dream life look like?

Post transplant, travelling the country in my RV with a dog, and maybe a cat. 

On to more frivolous topics...

 Well, journal prompts anyway.

What's a belief about myself that I need to let go of?

I've pretty much let go of it already, but the idea that I need a relationship to be complete. I am a whole complete person all on my own, thank you.

What are you grateful for today?

I'm grateful for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I'm grateful for my family, especially my mom. I'm grateful for my bestie and the fact that I have several tiers of besties. :) I'm grateful for my kitties, even though one is a total food whore. I'm grateful to CareOregon for taking care of 6 months of bills for me (I'd be even more grateful if they'd take care of those soon!)

What are your goals this month?

Make some money, honey. Hoping karaoke goes well for the rest of the month, although Januarys are typically slower. I also want to get my apartment clean enough for company (not that we are planning on having any, but it helps with motivation).

What inspires you?

Seeing people standing up to fascism. People helping people make a better world. My mom. Fresh cut grass on a sunny morning.

What happened at 10am today?

Not much. I was up, dressed, and playing Farmville2.

Who makes you feel most loved and why?

My mom, because she lets me know, and because she shows it. She would defend me to any enemy, or even to someone talking bad about me or making me feel bad. She is my champion.

Advice you would give to someone else your age?

Stop caring so much about what other people think. If they aren't fucking you, feeding you, or paying your bills, pay them no mind. Live life on your own terms. This too shall pass. If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING.

Death strikes again.

 Will Brundage texted me last night as I was about to fall asleep. Brother Sam died yesterday. How many more? Will I be next? These are all YOUNG people. Not elderly. I thought I would lose friends into my 70s, 80s. Not 30s 40s and 50s. 

I'd like to say their names here, as a dedication, memorial, whatever. These are not in order, and I'm sure I missed some.

Jason Alderman (Brother Sam)

Tim Petersen

Merry Neves

Dan Williams

Annie Merschbrock (my sis)

Adrian Dombrowski

Jesse Creighton

Lauren Watson

Mahni Smith (my sis in law)

Jojo Jann

Then there are the rave/music friends (not a full list)

AJ

Katrina

Adam

Bulldog

Jershon

Jack 

3 Peace (Justin)

Ewok (Elvis)

And of course Hawaii folks

Calvin Eckman

and more that I can't think of, but I know there are several.

SO much loss. Maybe my lesson is that death happens, and I need to learn how to deal with it. Because I'm not so good with that. Maybe life is preparing me for when I lose my mom, because I am NOT going to be ok and I know it. 

Chloe thinks I'm beig morbid posting this. But as I get older, my memory fails more. I want this here so I remember.

Journal prompts, again...Hey at least I'm writing! :)

 How do you believe you could have a life you absolutely love?

It all boils down to money. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly allows you the freedom. In a capitalist society, money=freedom=happiness. So. Yes, it does. I'd love my life if I had the money and freedom to travel, or to make my home surroundings as comfortable as possible. Or, eventually, both. Enough money might even buy me a kidney. I've heard those on Medicaid are lower on the list. I hope that's just a rumor, because if not, it's fucking classist as hell. But what can I expect from this country anymore, ugh.

What advice would you give to last year's you?

Don't ever lie to Chloe; she can see right through you. Chill out on the drinking. You don't NEED to drink to be a good karaoke host. Hang in there, mind your diet and fluids, and you'll be okay. And get off your ass and get some damn exercise. Even if it's just your PT exercises.

Favorite memory last year?

I don't even know. At my age, I feel like memories blur together and are harder to pinpoint. Birthday was good. No Snug party this year though, my bday is on a Friday, I kinda wanna go a little bigger. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just chill and hang out with Chloe and the kitties. Haven't decided yet. Summer was fun, with our monthly BBQs. Although they were a little expensive. Maybe not EVERY month this summer? Idk, I'll talk to Chloe about it and see what she thinks.

Three self-care habits you want to try?

Well, we now have a sauna in our dining/living room, so that. :) Regular sauna sits. Bathing more often than once a week. That's two. Hmmm... Cleaning up my environment (my room). Reorganize my room so it reorganizes my brain, lol.

Search affirmations and pick 5 for the new year.

1. I trust myself to make thoughtful choices.
2. My emotions are valid
3. I choose patience over pressure.
4. I believe in my abilities
5. I learn from mistakes without shame.

What word do you want to bring with you into the new year?

Ooh, that's a tough one. What will the word of 2026 be? As I'm thinking that, the word that keeps popping in my head is RESILIENCE. Was that 2025's word, though? Not intentionally. SO resilience is my intentional word for 2026.

One way you have already lived into your word so far this year.

Well, Bing describes resilience as the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. I think I bounce back pretty well from challenges. I haven't had a whole lot since New Year's, though, so not sure how I've lived it yet.

Something new you want to try this year?

Ideally, renting an RV for a couple nights this summer and going camping! Yeah baby!

Ok thats enough for now. I've already talked about my resolutions and stuff, so I'll leave that out of this entry. I suppose I will talk about it again eventually. Tho my mom did say it looks like I am losing some weight, yay! Working towards that transplant list....

More journal prompts

 My favorite time of day is:

I'd say they all have their merits. But lately I've been enjoying mornings, promises of a new day, and all that.

The coziest place for me:

My bed! Memory foam mattress, squishmallows, cozy comforter. It has it all! :) Even a touch light above my head.

A warm sunny day inspires me to:

Be happy! Go outdoors! Play Grateful Dead and light some nag champa incense! Joni Mitchell works too.

I'm unsure about:

What the future holds. Will Chloe stay or go? Will we finish the droid project? Will my mom be here in another 10 years? Will I? I hope so!

I worry that:

*I* won't be here in 10 years. That Chloe will leave, and I'll never see her again. That my mom will pass too soon. That we'll never get our family compound. That I'll never get my RV. Just worries.

I vividly remember:

The day my sister died. 9/11. The morning of the Challenger explosion. The cruise my sis and I went on.

I dream of:

Owning my own RV and traveling the country with my dog that I don't have yet. The droid project making us LOTS of money. Our family compound that my mom and I dreamed about together. Being able to pay off all my mom's credit card bills. Well, and my own of course.

It doesn't make sense to:

me that no one has gotten the rotten pedo in chief out of office yet. But progress is being made (all the new progressives in office, like mayor of NYC and mayor of Seattle for example). One day, billionaires WILL pay their damn taxes, preferably at 90% or more. I don't know if prices will ever go down, they usually don't trend that direction, but maybe one day we will have a fair living wage. AND MEDICARE FOR ALL! Or some form of universal healthcare, like every other developed country in the world. 

I'm ready to:

Live my life. On my terms. Without anyone telling me what I can and can't do. Which means yes, Chloe, a couple of cocktails now and then!! Grrr!

There's still time for me to:

Do the things I need to do to be successful. Lose weight, quit smoking, get kidney transplant, go back to work, make a bunch of money and get that RV!

Ok that's it for now. Look at me, writing and stuff!

Hello, 2026

 Let's try a journal prompt: What's one goal you are determined to achieve this year?

Well, I have a couple, actually. I want to lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list, which means I need to get to about 190, maybe 180. Which means I need to lose a lot of weight, like 60-75 pounds. I've done it before, I can do it again. The other goal is to quit smoking, AGAIN, this time for GOOD.

Finish the sentence: "One year from now, I hope to..." have a new kidney and go back to Kona. Preferably with Shaedra or Chloe. Also to finish the droid project and have our prototype. And to show it to Colen.

What does success look like to you personally, regardless of society's standards? Success, to me, means being healthy and happy. To not be in debt. To be able to pay all my bills. To have the respect of my family, especially my brothers. To be doing something I love. To afford vacations. To not work at a soul-sucking job that makes me feel defeated. I don't know if I will ever find it, but I won't give up.

If you could achieve anything without fear of failure, what would you pursue?  The droid project, for one. We need a programmer better than ChatGPT. Chloe needs more motivation, and I need to know how to give that to her. As far as careers, a voice-over actor. Definitely. It sounds like Todd may have more audiobooks in the works, and I let him know I was available.

Imagine your life 3 years from now. What do you see?

EDA (ERA?) in mass production with the help of some investors and grants, Chloe is happy and successful, boating around the world on her yacht. I'm still alive, thanks to a successful kidney transplant, and traveling the country in my RV with my dog. 

What are your hopes for your community or the world at large?

I hope the US survives the fascist in office, and locks him away in prison along with the rest of his cabinet. The Epstein files get released without redactions (except to protect the actual innocents). I hope that the Portland city council gets its shit together and finds a REAL solution to the drug and homeless issues. I hope all the new people voted in are progressives.

That's it for now, I may use more journal prompts (and write more!) in the future.