Overwhelmed.

 No more energy drinks. No more diet pepsi. No sweets. No carbs. No sodium. No booze. No cigarettes (that one I'm actually ok with. Not that I don't still want one from time to time, but I am happy to be free from the addiction). Ugh, what does that leave? What else am I too fat, too sick, and too old for? My body hates me and keeps breaking down on me. And cauliflower really isn't THAT good, people. Seriously.

So far getting older really SUCKS. I feel like all my joy in life is being sucked away. I need to find joy in new things, I guess. Any ideas? I'm trying so hard to find joy in drinking water, but it is almost impossible. Maybe I need to start smaller. 

And then there's the infestation, which is BEYOND overwhelming. Based on the blood smushes on my shirt, they were feasting on me as I slept. Eww. *shudder*  But getting rid of them is time consuming, expensive, and worst of all - not guranteed. At least we finally know where they came from. Small piece of mind. Upstairs neighbors had them, treated, and they all moved downstairs to be OUR problem. (Timing lines up). But Pat died (although he hasn't exactly left..that's another story), and Mike moved out, so the upstairs apartment is empty. So maybe we can send them back, ha ha.

I just want a do over. I want an apartment I'm comfortable in, with a kitchen I can actually use. And NO BUGS! NO RATS! I want a home workspace that isn't cramped and uncomfortable, so I can work from home. I want to eliminate my storage units. That involves having a big enough place to keep the things that I don't purge from the storage units. Lots of cupboards and closets, and ideally a garage. And I want to be healthy. Re-read that. Those are all the things that I don't have now. I know there are plenty of people who are worse off than I. I have a roof over my head (tho not sure for how long), I have clean drinking water. I have food. But I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to LIVE! Otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

Stupid kidneys!

 So my back surgery got canceled because of my kidneys. My kidneys are unhappy with my meds or something, so Dr Ragu told me to stop the losartan and spiro and I have to go see him tomorrow to figure out what next. I am fucking devastated. Granted, my recovery situation at home is not ideal, but I was already taken off the work schedule, and was looking forward to getting the surgery over with. Sorry, I'm going to go cry now...

Day... 60 I think?

 Two month anniversary of becoming a nonsmoker. It's really weird sometimes, but not as hard as I was expecting. Don't drink don't smoke whatcha do ya don't drink don't smoke..... Ah, Adam Ant. :)

I'm still getting used to being a nonsmoker. I don't really want cigarettes anymore, but sometimes, I don't know what to do with my hands, lol.

Back surgery is scheduled. November 9th. Missing a month's worth of work, but thanks to the recently passed Oregon Paid Leave bill, I will still have income while I am recovering. Sometime after that, I'm getting a defibrillator put in my chest. To prevent what happened to Annie from happening to me, since we had/have HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) aka heart wall thickening. Mine apparently is milder than Colen or Annies though. My mom is very confused. We (Me, Colen, Annie, and Noah) all have different dads, so since its a genetic disease, it had to come from mom's side. But she's never had anything remotely similar to HCM. Weird. I said maybe gramma or grandpa had it and it skipped a generation? She doesn't think they did though. Super weird. At least so far, Noah has no sign of having it. 

So thankful, again, to Colen for my laptop when I'm stuck in bed after surgery. As soon as I am able though, I will be back at my desktop, because it's the one I am most comfortable with. (And thanks again to Colen, for my desktop computer. :) ) 

Actually looking forward to being able to walk again. I kinda miss walking the halls at work doing lock check. Well, I miss being able to move well, period. I'm going to have to watch what I eat while I am fully sedentary though. Healthy stuff only. Gah, I'm going to have to overhaul the kitchen before surgery.

Anyway. Just thought I would check in.

Day...35?

 I did it, I actually quit. I am a nonsmoker once more, hopefully, this time for good. The third time's the charm, right? Of course, shortly before hitting day 30, I got covid again. Worse this time than last, and I missed a whole week's worth of work. :(  I think if we are still required to isolate for 5 days, we should still get covid pay, dammit. I can't afford this shit. Tested negative last night, need to do a whole bunch of shit today before I go back to work tomorrow, but all I wanna do is cuddle up with the kitties and go back to bed. 

Augh, enough procrasti-writing, I better get to it.

But yay! Nonsmoker!

DAY ONE.

 So I have not had ANY nicotine today. That is not to say that I haven't smoked, lol. I found these honey mint herbal cigarettes on Amazon, and it's like quitting smoking without actually quitting... but no nicotine, so no problem lol. Basically, I plan to use the herbal cigs to get through the nicotine cravings, then once the nicotine is all out of my system, then I'll quit the herbal ones too, which should be easy without the nicotine addiction part. We will see how it goes. They're actually cheaper than my regular cigs too. $14.98 for 2 packs. My Marbs were like $18 for 2 packs. And next-day delivery, too! :) So as long as I do not have any nicotine for 30 days, I should be able to be scheduled for my back surgery. So after Sept. 19th. 

Of course, nicotine isn't the only issue to consider. The apartment situation. I need to have a safe space to recuperate after surgery. The money situation. How can I afford to take time off work? Ugh. How did Annie do it? A boyfriend who took care of her, and worked and paid bills. Plus 2 kids, so a good amount of food stamps. Chloe can't take care of me, she has her own health issues to deal with. I mean, she would do her best, I know. But I hate putting that on her.

Sometimes I regret not having children. Not often. But sometimes. Especially as I get older.

I need to go to bed. Onward to day 2 of no nicotine!

Good grief

 I really suck at this. Where to begin.

To touch on a few previously mentioned points...

Yes, I have the same heart condition Annie did, but to a much lesser degree. Something to keep an eye on. I have saw Dr. Ravi, who was Annie's heart doctor. He didn't seem super concerned, but we have planned check ins about every 6 months or so.

In addition, like Annie, I now need back surgery. And possibly neck, I have an MRI for that on Thursday. Apparently, my spine is trying to crush my sciatic nerve or something. And it wasn't my previous arm break that is making my left shoulder go numb from time to time, it's my neck. In the meantime, physical therapy. Which I suck at remembering to do when I'm not at the physical therapy office. And I'm on desk duty at work. Well, at least they haven't fired me. I don't think they can for that, right? On the plus side, handicap placard for parking. Genuinely needed though, as I can't walk very far without being in excruciating pain.

And then there's the kidney thing. Not quite sure what is going on there yet, just that I am excreting excessive amounts of protein. I have a follow up with the kidney doc on the 24th.

I have 2 teeth that need root canals and crowns, to the tune of almost $5000. Not covered by insurance. WHAT THE FUCK. Why won't they cover it? TEETH AND EYES ARE NOT LUXURY ITEMS YOU FUCKING WHORES. They would cover having them removed. But if they were removed, I would have no teeth to chew with. On the plus side, the dentist said other than those two teeth, everything else looked good. Small comfort.

We still need to purge the living room. The whole apartment, really. And exterminate.

On that note, new news: The landlord is selling our apartment building. What that means for us remains to be seen. It depends on what the new owners decide to do with the building. The Morris' real estate agent, Mick, is pretty cool though. Apparently, Mike (directly above me) and I are the only ones that have returned his calls. SO, possibilities. 1. They leave everything just as it is (unlikely, considering how cheap our rent is, they will probably 2. bring it more in line with the neighborhood, so jacking it up a few hundred dollars per month.). Or 3. they may decide to just tear it down and build something new. I'm hoping for #1 or #3. If they tear it down, they have to cut all the tenants checks to find new housing. Which... I'm not sure how that would work considering how far behind Chloe, and I are. On the books anyway, because if Tim had applied for that landlord pandemic assistance like he said he was going to (and that I did most of the legwork FOR HIM...), we wouldn't owe a fraction of what we do.

So, who knows, Chloe, Dory, Willow, and I may end up homeless. I really hope not though.

That's pretty much it. You're caught up on me. Health problems, money issues, housing issues. 

I did quit drinking though. So there's that. Now I just need to quit smoking for at least 30 days so I can have back surgery and not be in pain anymore. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Snowpacalypse 2023

Forecasters said we might get a "dusting". Instead, we got the 2nd biggest snowstorm since they started recording in 1939. 10.8 inches Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I was at work, alone, when it started. I wound up having to leave my car there or risk having to leave it on the side of the road somewhere when I got stuck. John (my neighbor) came and picked me up. He also took me to work Friday morning, because due to freezing temperatures, the snow wasn't going anywhere. And picked me up after work. Saturday morning, my only option was to walk. I woke up at 6am, but my back was in excruciating pain. I laid down to do some stretches, after texting my boss that I wasn't sure if I would make it. Next thing I knew it was 12pm. I eventually came to the conclusion that besides my pain, I just really needed a day off. It will hurt the paycheck but has done wonders for my mental health.

BUT... the snow is not done with us. More to come in about 2 hours. Thank god I'm off tomorrow. But... I need to do the laundry. I'm dangerously close to running out of food and I don't get paid until Thursday. I am so sick of barely scraping by. Do I need to find a new job? I like my job, it's just kinda painful at times. I do miss working from home at my computer. But when I was doing that, I missed ftf interactions with my customers. 

Sooo... I'm drinking. Even though I said I was done. Because fuck it. I have booze in the house, Chloe is at Rob's for the night. And, well, sometimes it helps me think. And if I drink it, then it will be gone, and I'll be done, for good. Seriously, so over it. Tonight is grand, I'm feeling great, but tomorrow will suck. And I am so sick of that. So I'm done. As of tomorrow. 

Hopefully the snow will be over and done soon and spring will begin. I need to move somewhere with better weather. Or just get my RV and chase the better weather all year round. Someday.

Did I say *before* February??

 ...I must have meant before the END of February, lol. :)

My birthday was great. On the 12th my mom and I went out and got haircuts and had lunch at Applebee's. She also gave me an Amazon gift card and a giant squishmallow :) On the 13th I had to work a couple hours and then went home to shower and change. Chloe was all, oh hey Christina wanted you to come over for a drink before we went out...We got there and it was a surprise party :) I kinda had a feeling, but it was still a fun surprise. We mostly hung out, drank, ate snacks, and then we broke out the karaoke machine for a bit. I didn't go as hard as new years, but I did need a full day to recover, lol. I think I'm done, done. Drinking is no longer fun. Well, at least the recovery isn't. I'm over it.

The big project now is dealing with the apartment. Deep purge and clean and exterminate. I worked on the kitchen today. Last night after work I cleaned out my car and under my desk. I'm exhausted. This is gonna have to be in small chunks over time. Also working on getting rental assistance to get the landlord paid so we can go after him for his neglect of maintenance issues. 

Watched the first episode of season 3 of Picard the other night, plus all the little extras. I have a very long essay about Star Trek in me somewhere, but not quite ready to put it down in words yet. Maybe that will be my breakout article to kick off my writing career. 

Later:

Snowstorm. I swear, whenever the weatherman says "a light dusting" we get a snowstorm and vice versa. The city is a mess. It seems no one was prepared for the near blizzard we got. It's still coming down, supposed to keep snowing until about 6am. I had to leave my car at work. Hopefully, it's still there when I get back. At least it's on camera. John (neighbor) came and rescued me in his big truck. Getting into it was comical, lol. I just don't have the acrobatic skills that I used to. But I finally got in, and got home. Then Chloe made me chicken noodle soup for dinner. :) 

I guess I will wrap this up for now. I really will try to write more often. But once again, don't hold me to it. :P

And a new year begins...

 Xmas was nice, went to Colen's first, had Indian food for Xmas eve, then over to Noah's the next day, where he made us brunch and dinner and we did stockings and presents. Me, my mom, Kamal, Colen, Noah and Chloe, Lily, and Daisy. We all felt the absence of Annie, and the holiday felt kind of subdued.

Still no word from Mark. I still send him rental listings in Portland pretty much daily and sent him a selfie all dressed up on Xmas day. Nothing. But I guess waiting is easy when I don't exactly have suitors busting down my door. I just miss what we had for those short couple of months and want it back. Maybe by March? Or a surprise for my birthday in February? Fingers crossed.

New Year's Eve was short-lived, lol. I made my rum pudding tarts and bloody drunken dogs. Took those as well as my karaoke machine (Xmas gift from Noah and Chloe) and Cards Against Humanity set over to Christina's. I haven't been drinking at all lately and went too hard, too fast, and wound up home in bed passed out by 11pm. Slept most of New Year's Day. 

Now I have showered, done dishes, and talked to mom for a bit, and the only other thing on my agenda today is getting laundry done.

But things I need to get done soon: figure out how to get my driver's license reinstated WITHOUT doing that damn interlock device, ugh. Get car insurance and DEQ check so I can renew my car registration (all of which require $$). Get an oil change. Get new tires. More $$. 

GET THE DAMN LIVING ROOM DEALT WITH. Hopefully, Chloe will still be able to get the exterminators through OHSU, despite how long it has been. Get help getting rent caught up so I can go after the landlord for the rat issue. Get Chloe food stamps (the application is in, just waiting on them..).

In happier news, I should have a raise coming soon. When and how much, I have no clue. 

OMG, this entry is really boring. Sorry I have no philosophical insights or words of wisdom today. More like just trying to get all the stuff in my brain sorted out. Hopefully I'll have a more interesting entry before, say, February. :)

Almost Christmas already? Where does the time go...

 Ok, so it's not even December yet... but my prospects for present buying at this point are next to nil. Life is so damn expensive. And yes, Chloe could be helping more. But she is trying. She did 2 markets over the weekend and made some money, but I'm sure not as much as she had hoped. 

Still no word from Mark. Intrusive thoughts say he was just playing, everything I saw and felt was in my imagination, I went overboard, but dammit, it felt SO real. I don't get it. So I wait. In the hopes that it wasn't just my imagination. Not like I am putting my life on hold or anything. Just holding a place for him. Just in case. Missing him is a daily ache I deal with. 

Passed my 2-year mark at Extra Space in silence, with no kudos from my coworkers or boss or anything. Just an internal satisfaction that I made it another year, the disappointment that I still haven't been promoted, the uncertainty that I even want to be. I want to be working for myself, writing and doing voice work, but I can't seem to be a very motivational boss to myself lol. I save pins on Pinterest, but I never manage to take the action needed to make them happen.

I think it's partly my environment. This apartment...omg we need to get the exterminators in here so bad, but after working so much, neither Chloe nor I have the motivation to do the prep work necessary. Cleaning is the last thing we want to do when we are exhausted, physically and mentally. But it is SO badly needed. Not just for us, but for our furbabies, too.

Made it through the first holiday without Annie. I feel like she was there, at least part of the time, grumpy that I didn't make double-layer pumpkin cheesecake, but I think she would have liked my cranberry fluff. She was probably with us and also with her kids in Glide. Carol and Marty were there, and Chloe, although Chloe had to leave a little early to get ready for her market. All in all, a very good feast. And I got texts back from both of my brothers, which was nice. Christmas will be with them, Colen's on Xmas eve, and Noah's new place on Xmas day. Mom is renting an SUV, and we are going up with her, Kamal, and the kids. 

Regardless, I am taking Annie's birthday off. It's a Wednesday, so I will also have the day after off. I just need to sit down and allow myself to feel the grief that I have pushed down under the surface and get through it. If that's even possible. Maybe do a healing spell? At least meditate.

In the interest of trying to get back into writing, I really am going to try and write more often. Call it a pre-new years resolution. :) But, as usual, don't hold me to it, ok? :)

I'm trying not to care so much

He said he missed me. But he hasn't said he loves me in so long. I can feel the the walls around my heart starting to go up, but I don't want them to. I'm starting to believe I'll be alone forever.

I really thought... I guess it doesn't matter. What is meant to be, will be. I thought he'd at least make an effort to let me know he still wants us. 

My heart breaks every day that I don't hear from him.

It hurts so much. It hurts to think I wasn't worth it. That I'm not enough to fight for. 

I haven't given up. But I get closer, every day of silence.