I mean, I could talk to Annie. Maybe I could even hear her, or at least hear what she might have said. But it's not the same. By times like this, of course, I mean the tragedy that is another Trump presidency. I'd advocate for assassination if JD Vance wasn't even worse. Truth is, the office of the president has a lot less power than Trump thinks it does, and the real ones to be scared of are the republicunt controlled House and Senate. This country is in the toilet and its getting ready to be flushed. What would Annie say? "Fuck the dumbshits" first, then maybe something about fighting the powers that be, like when she went and protested old growth logging in Pennsylvania or somewhere, which is why she had a record at the FBI. But maybe it would be older, more world weary Annie, and she'd say to just do the best you can for the people you love and fuck the rest. I wish I knew. And now I'm crying again.
This will be the third holiday season without her and it hurts just as much as the first. I never thought I would be in my 50s without Annie. I was in denial at how bad her health was. I thought we would be old crabby ladies together and now I have to do it on my own. Well, not totally alone, I have my mom for however long I have her, and I am trying hard to cherish every moment because I am NOT in denial about her lifespan. I mean sometimes I am, I know I will be a complete mess when its her time, but I'm not denying that it will happen, probably before me, although that's a whole other bag of worms.
I am in denial about my own eventual demise, even now as I am actively dying, being kept alive only by dialysis machines. When I die it will probably be more of a shock to me than to those I care about, lol. I don't want to die. There is still so much that I want to do in this life.
But for now I am focusing on whats in front of me: my family, my bestie, my kitties, and my own health. Holidays will be merry and bright, one way or another.
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