I never thought I'd say this so soon...

 ...but happy heavenly birthday, Annie. I miss you so much. Sure, we drove each other crazy, but it was OUR crazy, you know? You left this earth much too young. I thought we'd be little old ladies together. 

The grief never goes away. I still want to scream out to the universe, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" and "WHY HER? WHY THEN?"...Because it's not fair. She was my baby sister.

My mom told me today that I better not die anytime soon, because losing me too would kill her. I told her I have no plans to do that, and fight every day to avoid it. Grim Reaper comes for me, he gets punched in the nose. :) If he has a nose. Whatever, I'll keep punching til I connect to something lol.

I try not to think about my own mortality much, like if I ignore it, it won't happen. Haha. Yeah I know thats not true, so I just keep fighting kidney disease and taking care of my heart. Which includes NOT falling in love again. I don't know if I could handle yet another guy ghosting me. Over it. I got me, I got my family, I got Chloe and the kitties. I don't need much else, other than the basics (roof over my head, heat, electric, phone, internet, etc etc).

I feel like I should write more about Annie, but every word justr makes it hurt more. I think I'm done for now. I love and miss you Annie, and wish you were still here.

The dry spell is almost over...

 ...my 90 days is up on Dec 17th, but my last group is on Dec 19th and I'm staying sober until its all done. Then... I don't know. My desire to drink has definitely waned. It's more about having the choice to drink or not. I don't like the choice being taken away from me. And I do miss experimenting with cocktails, although I haven't done that in a long time. I think I'll stay "mostly sober" and only drink occasionally, and STAY within my limits. (2-4 max, water between each drink, 2 hours after last drink before I drive, depending on how many I've had, of course, etc.). Maybe I need to find my breathalyzer that Naz gave me. Or get a new one. 

Sorry took a break to look at breathalyzers on Amazon. The good ones are pretty spendy. Added a few to my Xmas wish list.

Speaking of Xmas... 2 big sources of stress. Lack of money for presents, or even materials to MAKE presents, and finding a kitty sitter for our trip to Seattle. Chloe says if we can't find one, she's staying home. I said if she's staying home so am I because I don't want her to be alone on Xmas. If only Naomi wasn't being such a butthead. I still need to ask Kana. And that's about it for the list of people we trust with a key and our kitties. I really want to see my brothers, but not bad enough to leave my best friend home alone on Xmas.

Not much else to say today. Wishing this weed gummy would kick in to I can go to sleep at a reasonable hour, since I have to get up at 5am to get ready for dialysis at 6:50am. I have to be there at 6:30. Kinda loving and hating this schedule at the same time. 

Peace love and pickles.