Goodbye, 2025

 Xmas was nice, went to the Seattle area to see my brothers, managed a 3-day trip with some dialysis finagling. It was good to be with family, although the rest of my family (Chloe and kitties) stayed home. We did our own Xmas Day when I got back, French toast, bacon, and all. :)

Now it's New Year's Eve, and I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Chloe is mad at me because I had 2 cocktails at karaoke (at least I didn't lie, and I blew a 0.00 on my new breathalyzer before I left the bar).. but she's pissed, and I don't know how to fix it, so I'm following her lead. Which, so far, is to just act like I don't exist. Which puts a damper on the evening plans. I could just go to the drone show with Tabby and friends, but I don't want to leave Chloe to go hang out with her friends. I could go to the Snug, but then we'd have the same alcohol fight again. We also talked about bingeing all of Season 5 of Stranger Things, but that would involve her talking to me, which doesn't seem like she's ready to do. I understand that she doesn't want alcohol in her life, but if I blow 0.00 before I leave the bar, it's really not. Plus, my time in treatment taught me a lot that I think will help prevent my drinking from being "just like last time". But she isn't willing to even give me a chance. Her prerogative, I guess. I'm just sad she refuses to trust me.

And I'm tired of being controlled all the time. Sometimes, sure. Some things, sure. But the level of control she tries to take is just too much. And other people bring it up to me, and I defend her, even if I don't necessarily agree with her. 

Moving on... Plans for 2026: save some money with the help of HRSN, quit smoking, and lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list. I'll revisit this at the end of 2026 and see if I've accomplished those things. Not a huge list. I guess I should add stay friends with Chloe, regardless of whether she moves out or not (yes, she's threatening to again), and finish the droid project. We need a programmer, though. 

Ok, I wrote. See you next year!

I never thought I'd say this so soon...

 ...but happy heavenly birthday, Annie. I miss you so much. Sure, we drove each other crazy, but it was OUR crazy, you know? You left this earth much too young. I thought we'd be little old ladies together. 

The grief never goes away. I still want to scream out to the universe, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" and "WHY HER? WHY THEN?"...Because it's not fair. She was my baby sister.

My mom told me today that I better not die anytime soon, because losing me too would kill her. I told her I have no plans to do that, and fight every day to avoid it. Grim Reaper comes for me, he gets punched in the nose. :) If he has a nose. Whatever, I'll keep punching til I connect to something lol.

I try not to think about my own mortality much, like if I ignore it, it won't happen. Haha. Yeah I know thats not true, so I just keep fighting kidney disease and taking care of my heart. Which includes NOT falling in love again. I don't know if I could handle yet another guy ghosting me. Over it. I got me, I got my family, I got Chloe and the kitties. I don't need much else, other than the basics (roof over my head, heat, electric, phone, internet, etc etc).

I feel like I should write more about Annie, but every word justr makes it hurt more. I think I'm done for now. I love and miss you Annie, and wish you were still here.

The dry spell is almost over...

 ...my 90 days is up on Dec 17th, but my last group is on Dec 19th and I'm staying sober until its all done. Then... I don't know. My desire to drink has definitely waned. It's more about having the choice to drink or not. I don't like the choice being taken away from me. And I do miss experimenting with cocktails, although I haven't done that in a long time. I think I'll stay "mostly sober" and only drink occasionally, and STAY within my limits. (2-4 max, water between each drink, 2 hours after last drink before I drive, depending on how many I've had, of course, etc.). Maybe I need to find my breathalyzer that Naz gave me. Or get a new one. 

Sorry took a break to look at breathalyzers on Amazon. The good ones are pretty spendy. Added a few to my Xmas wish list.

Speaking of Xmas... 2 big sources of stress. Lack of money for presents, or even materials to MAKE presents, and finding a kitty sitter for our trip to Seattle. Chloe says if we can't find one, she's staying home. I said if she's staying home so am I because I don't want her to be alone on Xmas. If only Naomi wasn't being such a butthead. I still need to ask Kana. And that's about it for the list of people we trust with a key and our kitties. I really want to see my brothers, but not bad enough to leave my best friend home alone on Xmas.

Not much else to say today. Wishing this weed gummy would kick in to I can go to sleep at a reasonable hour, since I have to get up at 5am to get ready for dialysis at 6:50am. I have to be there at 6:30. Kinda loving and hating this schedule at the same time. 

Peace love and pickles.