Corona Virus and the end of the world...

I keep meaning to write. Really. I have all these thoughts and I'm just like, damn, I should write that down...and then by the time I get back to my computer I forgot again...
Fucking surreal times we are living in. I started a new job... assistant manager at Party City.. only to be laid off on my second day due to coronavirus. "Not a good time to be training new management". Yes, I agree. But how am I supposed to survive until it is? Thankfully, I still have available unemployment until April 10th, unless they extend it, which I have heard from a few sources that they have. Moratorium on evictions. Awesome, but I will still owe that money, which will keep piling up...no sign of the landlord so far. But we were behind BEFORE this all started, I am not sure how far his previous kindness will extend....
But I have heard first-hand accounts from people who have caught the virus...and I.. REALLY don't want that. They describe not being able to breathe... great, that's one of my panic attack triggers, awesome..ugh...Yeah, self-isolating as much as humanly possible. Torn between "yeah it's not that bad" and "holy fuck if I get this I'm gonna die!" Dear Jesus, I am sorry for ever wishing for something to happen that would make people wake the fuck up, I didn't realize doing so would put me in a life or death situation. I survived cancer. Technically, because I have high blood pressure, diabetes, and am a smoker, I am in the high-risk category. BUT, prior to that, I had a badass immune system. I am hoping that my immune system is still badass despite the risks. But I am protecting myself just in case.
Anyway, this is my first quarantine update. Hopefully, more to come. Governor Brown is expected to issue a stay at home order in the morning because too many dumbasses treated this as a vacation and ignored recommendations to stay home. I don't want to get this. I worry about my 70-year-old mom and her husband that still has to work. I worry about my type 1 diabetic nieces and my sister that is still recovering from surgery. And both of my brothers who are in the west coast hotbed, Seattle metro area. And my best friend who has to go into a clinic way more often than she should have to with her health issues. I hope we all come out of this ok.
But most of all, I pray that America wakes up and realizes what we need now is a President Bernie Sanders. He is the only one doing anything while corporate shills are more worried about the bottom line.
More to come. I hope.

Ruminations on turning 50...

My first thought... I'm probably over halfway through my life span and what have I accomplished? The depression is strong in this one. To be fair, the depression started well before my birthday. Not working is a factor. But taking a job just for the sake of having a job doesn't cut it, either. I need a job that I won't hate. But does one exist? Working for Tim had its moments, but overall I enjoyed it. Same with TriSmart. No more retail. My body can't take it. And the thought of walking to work makes my feet cringe. Stupid bone spur and plantar fasciitis. I miss having a car. And not working, and walking, is making me gain weight again. Hopefully, I will hear from my podiatrist soon about the custom shoe inserts. I'll feel a bit better about being on my feet if I am treating the problem.

I am fail.

I completely failed at doing a SINGLE thing on my to-do list today. I feel like such a failure. I moved it all over to Sunday, thankfully my Sunday was fairly light. Wait I did one thing... I made a roast for dinner. So that's one thing at least. And now I have the damn hiccups. Ugh.
I also finished binging AJ and the Queen on Netflix.. which was like "WAIT WHAT!! NO, NEED MORE!!" The ending just seemed too abrupt. Loved it, of course, it was wonderfully cast and while the dialogue was cheesy at times, it was a sweet story. There better be a second season!
AUGH FUCKING HICCUPS.

So in other news, I failed to mention previously that when I went to the docs, I was weighed...and I was 261. I've gained 40 fucking pounds since the big weight loss and I'm fucking pissed. I put it all on since I've been unemployed. SO...Chloe and I have been talking about spending time at the PCC Cascade gym. And I actually want to do it. I just can't get a job where I'm on my feet all the time because of the bone spur in my heel but I need to be active so I shed these pounds again.. fucking catch 22. I mean seriously, at Freddy's, at Spirit, I would literally LIMP home from work, I was in so much fucking pain. I don't want to go through that again.

OMG these fucking hiccups. Ok, I'm going to go kill them then go to bed. I got shit to do, gotta play catch up. Ugh.

Someday soon I will get better at updating...

So my Spirit bonus ($1049) went to rent and Xmas instead of a car :( So still no car, and it is really really depressing. Speaking of depression...I had a doc appointment yesterday and Dr. Urbanc suggested putting me back on Effexor. I liked the results, but I hated going off it when I lost insurance and couldn't afford it anymore. But I tried to wean myself off, so therein was the issue, I guess. She made me promise if I had to go off it again, I would do so under her guidance, even if it was just by email to save money. So giving it another shot. Hoping it will make me more motivated. If I'm not depressed, I tend to be more motivated, so I think it will work.
In other news, I turn 50 in 1 month and 4 days and have NO PLANS yet! WTF! Some ideas were tossed around last year... Jacob said a cruise (can't afford), I thought maybe a reserved table at Barrel Room (Chloe thinks that's lame), I have no other ideas at this point.
I made a bunch of food on New Years and it was mostly just me and Chloe, with Gabi stopping by for about an hour and a half. I need more friends. Hard to do when you live with someone who almost NEVER wants people to come over, and going out usually requires money and transportation. John and Gabi came over a few days later and helped polish off the rest of the food (and booze)..with roomie's permission! Well, she was at her friend's house for most of it.
So I've started making to-do lists for each day in the hopes that it will get me more motivated. Setting goals for the day and listing things I have to do. My today list is almost all crossed off, I just have to haul my butt up to Freddy's to get my prescriptions and get some necessities before the snowstorm due next week. I think I'm going to add "journal entry" on the to-do list for at least every other day for now and maybe go up from there once I am comfortable writing all the time again.
I need to if I'm ever going to make a living at it. I used to be a good writer. What happened? Years of being out of the habit, I suppose. So. Fix that. Stat.
Ok! And I need to get off my ass and get to Freddy's so I can get my Effexor! Bye for now!

December already?

It's already day 3 of the last month of the year.. But next year looks promising, and 17 days (approx) until I get my Spirit bonus, and hopefully a CAR! The landlord gave me until the 3rd week of January to either fix the Magnum or get rid of it. Thankfully Chloe should have her financial aid by then and will buy it from me and get it fixed. Otherwise I have to find some way to get rid of it. Which sucks since I'm still on the hook for 8 grand to Reliable because of the damn thing. Which is their fault, really, for refusing to refinance me. Next car=no financing. Hopefully my bonus is hefty. Not expecting it to be though, they tax it to hell because it's a bonus. I'll be happy if it's over a grand. It should be. But the more over it is, the more I can either buy xmas gifts or get caught up on rent.
This not working thing is starting to get to me..sooo hard to motivate my ass to get shit done. I wish I still made lists like I used to. I don't even know if that would help though. I feel so dumb sometimes. I'm like wtf happened to me I used to be smart! Or so I was told time and time again.
This is a horrible time of year to be out of work. I'd rather it was in the summer.
Ok, gotta go figure some shit out to help me reach my goals. Something other than Pinterest, that is, lol.

Some days are great, then there is this moment of suck..

I had a great time doing several voices for an audiobook yesterday, got paid at the end (with royalties to come, hopefully), super awesome. Had Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner and caught up on some more episodes of Black Lightning to prepare for the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event coming on the CW. Then I went to bed. Dreamt of Shane. I woke up sad.
I wish things had worked out differently for us. I wish he hadn't died, especially before we got a chance to end our not speaking to each other thing, whatever the hell that was. I will allow myself a few moments to grieve again, but then I must move forward, hoping that wherever he is now, he is at peace. Maybe our tragic story will inspire my writing someday. Not yet though. Too soon still.
I could write a story of what could have been, maybe. Or just write it as it was, maybe gain perspective of where things went wrong. Idk.
BUT. I do need to write something, a short story, something. I'm worried that I've forgotten how. I think I need to become a reader again. I seemed more inspired to write when I read all the time.
My mom said she thinks I'm one of the best writers she has ever known. To have your hero say something like that...but. She's my mom. Of course she's going to say that. :) She's never been one to bullshit me though, so there's that.
I'm really looking forward to hearing the final audiobook when he's done editing it. Plus he said I could use a sample on my voice profiles. Then I need to get more work! If I could make this my career...no more dead-end jobs YAY!! No more thankless retail jobs on my feet all day that damage my physical and mental well being, YAY!
And as I typed that, the Superman theme song came on the classical station that I listen to. Epic. LOL.

OMG!!

I just booked my first voice gig! Doing voices for an audiobook. The writer is someone I know peripherally from the electronic music scene, and if this project is successful, he is planning on starting an audiobook production company and will want me for even more work! WOOOT!!
I am so freaking excited right now!! Did I mention it's a paying gig? Whheee!! We start on Friday. Will update more soon!!

On my way!!

My voice demo is done! Vicky Mazzone, an old friend from my KPSU days, produced it for me, she's amazing! I would post it, but it has my phone number in it, and this blog is a little too public for that. BUT. A step closer to my RV life goals!
In health news, I apparently have plantar fasciitis, as well as a BONE SPUR in my heel. So no more retail jobs where I am on my feet all day. And my Spirit bonus next month is DEFINITELY going towards a car. Time for a desk job and a gym membership. On the plus side, my A1C actually IMPROVED since my last test, which leads me to believe that the crappy Kroger monitor was, in fact, the issue. Since I'm back on OHP, I am back to my nicer, more accurate monitor. The strips for it are INSANELY expensive, so I had to use the cheaper Kroger one when I had no insurance.
Thanksgiving will be interesting, either Chloe and I are going to Annie's and we're getting Chinese, or Annie and Brandon are coming here and I'm going to cook. (Annie's oven is broken) I really wish food stamps gave you like a supplemental bonus in the middle of November. We'll figure it out. If I had a car I'd go get a food box.
Not working is already making me stir crazy. Not just because of the lack of funds, but because although I now have the free time to work on other projects, I'm having trouble MOTIVATING myself to do them. For example, I've been working on this one blog entry for THREE DAYS. Ugh. I need a spa day or a vibration cleanse or some such thing. I need to be renewed mentally and emotionally. How do I do that? Time for some research.

Avoiding the hard things...

I'm not quite ready to talk about the ordeal that was Spirit yet. So instead, I'm compiling my Xmas Wish List 2019.

Once again, I’m not expecting anything. Just putting this out into the universe.

This entire administration removed and replaced with sane people.

A CAR. Or an Rv and moped.

New underwear (size 7 or 8/L or XL)

New clothes since I shrunk (A gift certificate to Ross or something would work)

Bye Bye Under Eye concealer by It Cosmetics in Light

WATERPROOF 3D fiber mascara in black

Sex Kitten Eyeliner by Tarte in black

*A working printer with extra ink!* (or just ink for Chloe’s computer)

An in-home planetarium (to sleep under the pretend stars!)

Gym membership (must have pool and treadmills)

*A waffle iron !!*

A house with a yard and a garage (no more apartments!!). Covered big front porch for bonus points

Victoria's Secret Love Spell perfume (bonus points: in a gift set! :) )

ALL the Buffy comics that are out, SEASONS 8-12

ALL the Angel, Spike, Faith, et. al comics

Supernatural related merchandise

witchy stuff

novelty socks

pretty outfit for new years (2X-I think)

LED hula hoop (great exercise!)

A battery/power source for my CPAP so I can take it camping next summer!!

New pirate garb since I can’t seem to find mine anywhere.. :( (have hat, need the rest)

For more, see:

https://www.pinterest.com/reverendkate/wish-liststuff-i-want/ Pinterest Wish List

https://amzn.com/w/2AM6TI2GFAC73 Amazon Wish List

https://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/wishlist/271831/list/1 This Is Why I’m Broke Wish List

*Stuff in bold is the more realistic wishes

Kinda freaking out a bit.

So for some reason Chloe got denied financial aid. She's appealing (again) on Monday, but if she doesn't get it....we are completely fucked. She is almost $2000 behind on rent. As lenient as our landlord Tim has been, I don't think we could survive this. We will get evicted for sure. Being homeless right now would really fuck up my work life a lot. I am so close to having the life I want, this would be such a huge setback. I REALLY hope she wins her appeal. She was planning to buy the Magnum from me with her financial aid, and I was going to use the money to get another car. I NEEED a car, I'm seriously going crazy without one. My feet hurt so bad because I walk so much. I'm in agony at the end of every single day.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to be strong, and figure shit out. I'm trying SO hard, the universe wouldn't just fuck me like that, right?
Fingers crossed.

Today. On Why The Fuck Did I Do This...

Omg why did I get this tablet? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm going to need it on the road. I guess I'm just making shit happen as its presented to me. RV nao!!! Just saying.