So, "quarantine fatigue" is a thing...

...and might explain my irritability lately. Maybe the root of it is that I'm annoyed with myself for not accomplishing more, and for gaining weight, so much weight, since I stopped working full time. I feel like a bloated pig. So disgusted with myself. Keep hoping it will reach "so disgusted with myself that I do something about it", but I don't seem to be quite there yet, ugh.
And SO unmotivated in general. STILL haven't found my 2018 W2. I'm going to see if I can get a copy from Fred Meyer, because I think that was the only job I worked in 2018. (Well, and T&T, but that was off the books, I believe.) I have the filled out tax return, printed out even, just not sure where the W2 got off to.
Ugh I just wanna go back to sleep.

Borrowed from someone on FB..

So we don’t forget.... 🦠😷🧤😥

Today is Sunday, April 26, 2020.

- We are at 43 days of social isolation.

- The dollar is worth $ 5.32, the euro $ 5.77 and the pound $ 6.54.

- Schools have been closed since mid March and are teaching remotely on-line. This will continue for the rest of the school year.

- There are lines / tapes inside the stores on the floors to keep people 6 feet apart.

- Bars and restaurants are open only for takeout, home delivery & pick-up.

- Parks, beaches, hiking trails and walk-in places are not accessible to the public.

- All major and minor league sports competitions have been cancelled as well as kid's sports.

- All festivals and entertainment events have been banned.

- Weddings, family celebrations and birthdays have been cancelled. Funerals limited to 10-20 people.

- People are doing drive-by parades to celebrate birthdays!

- Young kids can’t understand why they can only see grandparents & other extended family and friends on a screen or thru a window if someone visits in person or on Facetime online.

- Hugs and kisses are not exchanged.

- The churches are closed or online.

- We have to stay away from each other more than six feet.

- Shortage of disposable masks and gloves in hospitals.

- There are fewer ventilators than there should be.

- People are wearing masks, some places even REQUIRE that you wear them to enter! People are even sewing their own cloth masks for sale or donation to medical facilities.

- Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, bleach, antibacterial wipes and anything Lysol or Clorox is in short supply and limited per person.... IF you can even find them!

- Stores are closing early to disinfect everything. (24 hour stores are even closing by 9pm)

- Store check outs, pharmacies and even fast food drive thru windows have added plexiglass between the employee and the customer. Have to reach around or under to pay!

- You can't find isopropyl alcohol easily. .. the supply per person is limited.

- Australia, USA, Canada and Europe have closed their borders.

- Western Australia has been divided into 9 territories & an instant $1,500 fine issued for crossing the border without a valid reason. (Transport workers, Essential services etc)

- No one is travelling for leisure. Airports empty. Tourism has the worst crisis in history.

Why do I post this?

Next year & then every year after, this status will appear in my Facebook memories feed. And it will be an annual reminder that life is precious & that nothing should be taken for granted. We are where we are with what we have. Let's be grateful.

This text is anonymous, it's not mine, but I copied because I want to remember it too.

So thankful. But I feel guilty.

So I got my state tax return direct deposit. $305, not a huge amount, but I got it instead of it being garnished for student loans. When I finally get my federal, that's another $1232. Plus $1200 stimulus. Plus currently getting $894/wk on unemployment. And then more when I find my 2018 W2s and file my return. 

I am so grateful, but at the same time I feel bad for being ok when so many are struggling. I want to go help people, but can barely handle the anxiety to go grocery shopping. I don't want to get this virus. The accounts I've read are horrifying. Feeling like you're suffocating, or drowning..  I already have panic attacks when I can't swallow or breathe, even for a moment.. this virus carries that feeling on for days, even weeks. I just can't. I'm going to find a way. So far, though, I've pretty much been homebound. I only leave for groceries (9/10 its Freddy's.. I think I've been to Winco like once), Plaid Pantry, liquor store (twice), and dispensary (more for Chloe than me). And whatever fast food drive thru my ride wants to go to (a few times.. Wendy's, Taco Bell, Jack in a Box, McDonalds). I hate that I'm gaining weight. Need to get back on my diet and start going on walks again.  And quit fucking smoking, ugh. Need a hysterectomy after this is all over but have to be nicotine free for 6 weeks first. 

Started rewatching Grimm. Kinda cool seeing all the landmarks I recognize.. wish I had been more into it before it got cancelled and was still filming here. Ok bedtime. Need to find those 2018 W2s tomorrow.  And pay bills. And shower. And celebrate 4/20. :)

Political rant time

But first, a bit of history...When I was 18, it was a presidential election year. 1988. I was told by older adults that I had to register as a Democrat or Republican because the other parties didn't matter, their votes never amounted to anything. I lived through Reagan. I knew if I had to choose, I was a Democrat. (I know now I have been a Progressive all my life...More on that in a bit)  Back then I believed what I was told. "That's how the game is played". That always bothered me. This is people's lives, not a fucking game. But back then, I thought Democrats were ok. I liked Jimmy Carter. Granted, I was in elementary school at the time. But I also liked Gerald Ford. I didn't really understand parties back then. I just thought they were both good men. I knew right away that I didn't like Reagan, or RayGun as we called him back then. He liked war. I was fascinated by the civil unrest of the 60s when I was in high school. My dad served in Vietnam (and ultimately having done so was what killed him in 1991, he was only 41). I knew anyone in favor of war was a bad guy.
As the years went on, I did my duty as a good little Democrat and voted with my party. I didn't feel engaged, because what the hell did my vote matter anyway? That was how the game was played. Right? I hated the Bushes, liked Bill Clinton but now cringe in retrospect. I mean, he played the sax on the Arsenio Hall show, he must be cool, right? I was so naive.
Then along came Obama, promising a brighter future. Progressive policies. Enough for 2 terms. But over the course of those 2 terms, it became clear that a lot of that was mostly just lip service. I wanted to like Obama, I still do to some degree, but realized he was just part of the political "game".
Then I hear about this senator. Surprised I hadn't heard of him before, because he's been in the senate a long time, but decided to do some research. The more I learned the more I knew, THIS WAS HIM. The once in a lifetime (well, twice now, actually ha ha) candidate that was actually fighting for the working class. I read articles, watched senate clips. I got goosebumps. This was our guy. And then I knew what I was. A progressive supporter of human rights. (Seriously, its in my FB and Twitter bios, has been for years now). And that's what Bernie Sanders is, a man of the people, and more astonishingly, probably the only honest man in politics. He was running against Hillary, who quickly revealed herself to be a corporate shill. I talked to my mom about it. She said she was voting for Hillary, she's got the recognition and will probably get the votes. I said, well, just check out this guy Bernie, mom, I think he's got a shot, and what he says is so on point. A few days later I talked to her again. She did her own research and was so enthusiastic, and agreed that he's the guy. I had never known my mom to be super political. I mean, I know she was part of the counter culture movement in the 60s, "we wanted to change the world", but that was before I was born, and when I was a toddler (we lived on Alcatraz for a few months as part of that Native American occupation in the early 70s). Today she is one of the biggest Bernie supporters that I know. I also found out recently that while I went Green in the general in 2016, she did what I was scared to do and wrote Bernie in. This time I will be following her lead, if Bernie is not the nominee. AND. After Oregon's primary and voting for Bernie (Oregon is one of the states where you have to be a registered Democrat to vote for the Democratic nominee), I will be leaving the Democratic party as I did in 2016 with one difference: I won't be back. I'm done. The Democrats are no longer a party of the people (if they ever were), they serve their corporate overlords just like the Republicans. There is no evil and less evil anymore, there is just evil with two faces, and I refuse to be a party to it any longer. I'm done. #DemExit, but for permanent. I am disgusted by how far we have fallen. Disgusted by the current government in this country. Kind of wish I had the blinders of yesteryear, thinking things were so great, but also grateful that the blinders have fallen away and I see things for what they are: broken. And I will fight for a better world. This can't be the best we can do. It just can't.

SUCCESS!

I FINALLY DID THE LAUNDRY! After it sat here for almost 3 weeks. Had to. Was running out of underwear.
In other news, still under stay at home orders, haven't killed Chloe yet, lol. Also haven't accomplished a whole hell of a lot other than my Netflix queue. And laundry. :) Stayed on dishes and trash. Still need to take out recycling again.
I'm gonna end there because if I keep going, it's going to get political and I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

Saw this on Facebook..

..I haven't seen an updated one for today, so I will just post this one for now, as a record:

When people, in the future, ask what it was like "when everything started," tell them this:

April 4, 2020
-Gas price in Coquille, Oregon is down to $2.67 a gallon
-School cancelled indefinitely, online studies for all students begin
- Many employees who are able to, begin working from home
-Self-distancing measures on the rise.
-Tape on the floors at grocery stores, pharmacies and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other. New clear protective barriers at checkout stands.
-Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.
-Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.
-Parks, trails, beaches, entire cities locked up.
-Entire sports seasons cancelled.
-Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled.
-Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled.
-No masses, churches are closed.
-No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 10 or more.
-Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home.
-Children's outdoor play parks are closed.
-We are to distance from each other.
-Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
-Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
- Some ventilators and masks sent to states from the government stockpile are unusable due to dry rot.
-Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.
-Shelves are bare. Good luck finding basics like beans, rice, pasta, canned goods and paper products.
-Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.
-Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.
-Fines are established for breaking the rules. Ex: Moron evangelist Rodney Howard Browne kept his mega church (in Florida, where else?) open with services and was arrested for "callous disregard for human life." 2nd ex: a surfer in California was fined $1k for going into the water.

-Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.
-Press conferences daily from the so-called President (trump), his idiot son in law Jared Kushner who was named head of the Corona virus task force with ZERO MEDICAL training, and the governor. At least Dr. Fauci is still allowed to speak. He is an expert on infectious diseases. And at 4, daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.
-Government incentives to stay home.
-Barely anyone on the roads.
-People wearing masks and gloves outside.
-Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.
-Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this status?
One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.
We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.
We are all one!
Copy and share.

WTF, brain...

So Chloe is playing this game where she is periodically faced with a series of numbers and she has to figure out the next number in the series. She asks for my help. I get the answer right away. I explain how I got the number. I get it right. WTF brain? Where were those math skills in high school and college?? My theory is that I have always been good with numbers, it's just when they threw in letters that I got all fucked up, lol. But I did teach my brother algebra when I was in 8th grade and he was in 5th, so there's that...But still. It's freaking me out! BOOM, answer, BOOM, answer. It's like it just jumps out at me. Well, I guess everyone is learning new things about themselves in quarantine, right? Mine is that my critical thinking skills are vastly better than I gave myself credit for. Now if I could find a way to make this skill make me money....

Corona Virus and the end of the world...

I keep meaning to write. Really. I have all these thoughts and I'm just like, damn, I should write that down...and then by the time I get back to my computer I forgot again...
Fucking surreal times we are living in. I started a new job... assistant manager at Party City.. only to be laid off on my second day due to coronavirus. "Not a good time to be training new management". Yes, I agree. But how am I supposed to survive until it is? Thankfully, I still have available unemployment until April 10th, unless they extend it, which I have heard from a few sources that they have. Moratorium on evictions. Awesome, but I will still owe that money, which will keep piling up...no sign of the landlord so far. But we were behind BEFORE this all started, I am not sure how far his previous kindness will extend....
But I have heard first-hand accounts from people who have caught the virus...and I.. REALLY don't want that. They describe not being able to breathe... great, that's one of my panic attack triggers, awesome..ugh...Yeah, self-isolating as much as humanly possible. Torn between "yeah it's not that bad" and "holy fuck if I get this I'm gonna die!" Dear Jesus, I am sorry for ever wishing for something to happen that would make people wake the fuck up, I didn't realize doing so would put me in a life or death situation. I survived cancer. Technically, because I have high blood pressure, diabetes, and am a smoker, I am in the high-risk category. BUT, prior to that, I had a badass immune system. I am hoping that my immune system is still badass despite the risks. But I am protecting myself just in case.
Anyway, this is my first quarantine update. Hopefully, more to come. Governor Brown is expected to issue a stay at home order in the morning because too many dumbasses treated this as a vacation and ignored recommendations to stay home. I don't want to get this. I worry about my 70-year-old mom and her husband that still has to work. I worry about my type 1 diabetic nieces and my sister that is still recovering from surgery. And both of my brothers who are in the west coast hotbed, Seattle metro area. And my best friend who has to go into a clinic way more often than she should have to with her health issues. I hope we all come out of this ok.
But most of all, I pray that America wakes up and realizes what we need now is a President Bernie Sanders. He is the only one doing anything while corporate shills are more worried about the bottom line.
More to come. I hope.

Ruminations on turning 50...

My first thought... I'm probably over halfway through my life span and what have I accomplished? The depression is strong in this one. To be fair, the depression started well before my birthday. Not working is a factor. But taking a job just for the sake of having a job doesn't cut it, either. I need a job that I won't hate. But does one exist? Working for Tim had its moments, but overall I enjoyed it. Same with TriSmart. No more retail. My body can't take it. And the thought of walking to work makes my feet cringe. Stupid bone spur and plantar fasciitis. I miss having a car. And not working, and walking, is making me gain weight again. Hopefully, I will hear from my podiatrist soon about the custom shoe inserts. I'll feel a bit better about being on my feet if I am treating the problem.

I am fail.

I completely failed at doing a SINGLE thing on my to-do list today. I feel like such a failure. I moved it all over to Sunday, thankfully my Sunday was fairly light. Wait I did one thing... I made a roast for dinner. So that's one thing at least. And now I have the damn hiccups. Ugh.
I also finished binging AJ and the Queen on Netflix.. which was like "WAIT WHAT!! NO, NEED MORE!!" The ending just seemed too abrupt. Loved it, of course, it was wonderfully cast and while the dialogue was cheesy at times, it was a sweet story. There better be a second season!
AUGH FUCKING HICCUPS.

So in other news, I failed to mention previously that when I went to the docs, I was weighed...and I was 261. I've gained 40 fucking pounds since the big weight loss and I'm fucking pissed. I put it all on since I've been unemployed. SO...Chloe and I have been talking about spending time at the PCC Cascade gym. And I actually want to do it. I just can't get a job where I'm on my feet all the time because of the bone spur in my heel but I need to be active so I shed these pounds again.. fucking catch 22. I mean seriously, at Freddy's, at Spirit, I would literally LIMP home from work, I was in so much fucking pain. I don't want to go through that again.

OMG these fucking hiccups. Ok, I'm going to go kill them then go to bed. I got shit to do, gotta play catch up. Ugh.

Someday soon I will get better at updating...

So my Spirit bonus ($1049) went to rent and Xmas instead of a car :( So still no car, and it is really really depressing. Speaking of depression...I had a doc appointment yesterday and Dr. Urbanc suggested putting me back on Effexor. I liked the results, but I hated going off it when I lost insurance and couldn't afford it anymore. But I tried to wean myself off, so therein was the issue, I guess. She made me promise if I had to go off it again, I would do so under her guidance, even if it was just by email to save money. So giving it another shot. Hoping it will make me more motivated. If I'm not depressed, I tend to be more motivated, so I think it will work.
In other news, I turn 50 in 1 month and 4 days and have NO PLANS yet! WTF! Some ideas were tossed around last year... Jacob said a cruise (can't afford), I thought maybe a reserved table at Barrel Room (Chloe thinks that's lame), I have no other ideas at this point.
I made a bunch of food on New Years and it was mostly just me and Chloe, with Gabi stopping by for about an hour and a half. I need more friends. Hard to do when you live with someone who almost NEVER wants people to come over, and going out usually requires money and transportation. John and Gabi came over a few days later and helped polish off the rest of the food (and booze)..with roomie's permission! Well, she was at her friend's house for most of it.
So I've started making to-do lists for each day in the hopes that it will get me more motivated. Setting goals for the day and listing things I have to do. My today list is almost all crossed off, I just have to haul my butt up to Freddy's to get my prescriptions and get some necessities before the snowstorm due next week. I think I'm going to add "journal entry" on the to-do list for at least every other day for now and maybe go up from there once I am comfortable writing all the time again.
I need to if I'm ever going to make a living at it. I used to be a good writer. What happened? Years of being out of the habit, I suppose. So. Fix that. Stat.
Ok! And I need to get off my ass and get to Freddy's so I can get my Effexor! Bye for now!