Distance is hard.

I know it will be all worth it. He is so wonderful. But not being able to be with him is SO HARD. The future looks bright but I want it NOW, lol. But we have so many things to do to build that future together. Divorces, for one. And he and his son moving up here in June. House, job, and school needs to happen before the move does. Then they'll need time to get settled in. I need to purge my storage units. Need to purge the apartment before that. Help Chloe with what she needs to prepare to live by herself, or with another roommate. And through all this, getting to know Kaiden, hoping he will accept me. Learning how to interact with him. And then eventually, a wedding to plan. :) Already dreaming about that one... :)

I am so freaking happy. I'm just impatient. :)

Only Time ~Enya

Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies? Only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies? Only time

Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
And who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time

We already have a song.

Love Again by New Hope Club:

It's been a year, two weeks, one day, I
Knew the minute that I saw your face that
Only thing that never changed was you
Your perfume's intoxicating
You still smile when you say my name and
I love the way that you dance across the room

And it comes rushing back
As the moment passed
Make me wanna grab your hand
And pull you back

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again

It's been a minute, six seconds, now I want you
'Bout to risk it all, baby, if you want to
See that look in your eyes and I guess you do

And it comes rushing back
As the moment passed
Make me wanna grab your hand
And pull you back

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again

If I make a move are you down with that?
Go in for a kiss, would you kiss me back?
Feel that love, feel that love again
If I wrap my arms around you and I pull you close
Tell you once again that I'm taking you home
Feel that love, feel that love again

Oh
Let me know
Let me know
Let me know

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again (no)
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
(Tell me can you feel that love)

If I make a move are you down with that?
Go in for a kiss, would you kiss me back?
Feel that love, feel that love again
If I wrap my arms around you and I pull you close
Tell you once again that I'm taking you home
Feel that love, feel that love again

I'm in love.

This feeling. So new and so old at the same time. I know his soul, he knows mine... He has changed so much.. he has become everything I have wanted in a partner. My heart swells with love whenever I think of him. When we first met up, it was like, explosive, blowing open the box of emotions and memories that I had locked up so long ago.. since that first meeting, we have been getting to know each other, the people we are now, and I have fallen in love with him all over again. This is it. He is the one I didn't even know I was waiting for. And I see a really bright future for us. I knew I would probably be single forever unless I rekindled something with someone I had known before... I just didn't know it would be Mark.. but now that it is, I'm like, who else? I was never as close with anyone as I was with Mark. Not even my ex-husband. Mark and I entwined our souls.. we were just so young and, well, dumb back then. We are grown now, and I am amazed every day how wonderful he is. He is the one. Again. :)

No words.

 Except, I really need to blog more.

Today's topic is qualities I desire in a future partner, more specifically, a future road trip partner. A mechanic is a good place to start because I am lost when it comes to that. And they have to be someone I am happy to spend day in and day out within a small space. If they are already working remotely, that is a huge plus, but at least the ability to. I do not want to be the only source of income. Patient, supportive, understanding, tolerant. Someone who I can work with as a team, a partner in the truest sense. Aesthetically pleasing will get you in the door, but intelligence and compassion keep you from getting booted out. A great sense of humor helps too. I love to laugh. :)

Someone who adores me, flaws and all, is a must of course, which is in no way a one-way street. Someone who has flaws I can tolerate is necessary as well. I cannot tolerate racism, bigotry, extremist religious ideas, or extreme conservatism. I am the progressive left, after all. I cannot tolerate extreme poor hygiene, extreme slobbishness, or out-of-control addictions. 

Someone who can respect my friendship with my best friend, and will never demand that I choose between them. Someone who seeks solutions to problems rather than making demands, or walking away when things are rough. 

Wickedly funny and a little weird are bonuses. They have to be simpatico with MY weirdness and humor. Someone who doesn't hate musicals or sci-fi or fantasy. 

I may update this over time, but this will suffice for now.

I need to get better at this...

 Two months and no post? Sorry folks. I suck at motivating myself to write. Not that anyone actually reads this, so I guess I'm apologizing to myself. 

I got a great new job that I think I will really like, I started on November 16th as an Assistant Manager at Extra Space Storage. Having been a customer of theirs for the last 5 years, I feel like I can use my experience to help others, plus there is just the right balance of physical and administrative work, as well as customer service in person and on the phone. It's only $15/hr starting out, but my unit is half off, plus there will be some commission bonuses. 

Also, the people I have met so far are fantastic. I'm working with Cara Zack, one of my best friends from high school, the DTL Jeffery is super awesome, as is Krystal, the other DTL. I'll meet Andrew, the manager at my "home store" on Johnson Creek, this Saturday. 

Still waiting to hear back from Annie about whether or not she's feeling up to do Thanksgiving, she had another back surgery earlier this month. Oregon is on another 2-week lockdown, no traveling, due to covid spikes. (WEAR THE GODDAMN MASK, PEOPLE! STOP CONGREGATING!) Second wave? Or did we ever leave the first wave?

So.. Chloe and I will be with Annie hopefully, Lily and Daisy are with Neil and Theresa down in Glide, Colen and Noah will probably get together, and mom has Kamal and Carol. So we will all be with family, just not all together. I hope Christmas brings better times. I miss my momma and brothers.

Trump lost the presidency, hallelujah. Biden sucks, it should have been Bernie, but at least it's not Trump. And we now have more progressives in Congress than ever. We need a revolution, but I guess our revolution is going to be in smalls gains over time. *sigh* Better than no gains, I suppose.

My car turned out not to be as awesome as I originally thought, the suspension is shot. Still driveable, I just can't have ANY weight in the back seat or trunk beyond groceries. It's going to be over a grand to fix. I wouldn't be as stressed if my damn 2018 tax return would show up. $941. But if it gets sent out after 12/31/2020, my student loans will take it away. Fingers crossed.

Ok, got stuff to do, gotta run. As I always say, I will try to write more often. Just don't hold me to it, ok?

😄😄

Original post 11/24/20

ARGH.. FRICKIN INSOMNIA..

I am starting to notice a trend... whenever I am stressed or worried (so pretty much always), I have wicked insomnia. Its like my brain won't shut the fuck up and let me sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow at the IRS at 1215pm. It is 340am and I have been trying to fall asleep for almost 4 hours. Wtf. I think I need to talk to my doc about this. I did notice that when my dentist gave me Valium (diazepam) to take the night before my dentist appointment, I fell asleep quickly and slept great, and woke up on time. I wonder if this is the answer to anxiety related insomnia. I've tried just about everything else.. :(  

Well that didn't last long...

 I got to work a whole week and a half(?) at Party City before they let me go. Jared said that they weren't making enough revenue due to COVID and now the wildfires to be able to afford me. I should have just gone back to Spirit. :(  And, that makes the third job in, what, 5 years? that let me go because they couldn't afford me. I don't know wtf I'm going to do. Hopefully my taxes will show up soon, but it has officially been "six weeks after Aug 1st" and still nothing. 

I wish I had enough money and enough job contacts, and enough confidence in my writing, to just get my RV Life on the road already. I am so completely fed up with the job market. And with working jobs I dislike just so I can have a paycheck. Not that I disliked Party City. Jared was great, most of my coworkers were awesome, but it was a lot more physical than I anticipated. I was beginning to get used to it though when they cut me loose. I feel like I'm doomed to be out of shape, miserable, and broke forever.

NOT the attitude I want to have. I keep looking for that, "Fuck this! I can do anything I set my mind to! Fuck diabetes! I'll reverse it! Fuck being fat! I'll lose 70 pounds! I've got a great voice! Let's get those voice jobs! Oh hey, here's my first audiobook!" and I can't seem to locate it again. 

By the way, here's a link to the audiobook.

https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Ghost-Diary-Audiobook/B08BPHFYFP?qid=1600214748&sr=1-6&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_6&pf_rd_p=e81b7c27-6880-467a-b5a7-13cef5d729fe&pf_rd_r=JTZ64J9HNNXRS8GVTB9G

Currently on hold with the IRS for...47 minutes. I need that damn money.

Normal? What's that?

 So doc has cleared me to return to work. I go back to Party City the week of August 31st. Jared is going to email me the schedule when he's written it.

Ugh. I'm not ready. But I can't live on $294/wk from unemployment (dammit why didn't I save more?!), so I need the money. Also still no stimulus or tax returns, but Lenny (who works at the IRS) said I should see it 6 weeks from August 1st, so about the middle of September. My stupid jeans don't fit anymore because of the quarantine weight gain, thankfully I think I still have my black pants from when I worked at Freddy's, hopefully they still fit. :P 

So life will be getting back to somewhat normal I guess, whatever the hell normal is. I just gotta focus on my goals: save money to get an RV. Keep working on my writing and voice over stuff, maybe look into being a freelance virtual assistant, whatever can make me money on the road. Not that I will be even hitting the road until this virus is fully contained. Start working on downsizing, getting rid of shit. Maintain the car. Hopefully I will get my new title and tags soon. And money back from the DMV, because I'm pretty sure I overpaid them. 

Now that Dr Polo gave me the all clear, I need to make an appointment with Dr Urbanc, because she said we would be tackling my weight gain next. Also, hopefully, my blood sugars, because they've been running higher than normal since she changed my meds. Also quitting smoking. Ugh, and a colonoscopy next week. Can't wait to be done with THAT. Getting old sucks.

Going to watch the Democratic National Convention tonight and try not to barf. 4 days til Lucifer season 5 though, yay! Something better to watch soon. 

I really wanted this to be a better update, I'm just not feeling it right now. Peace out, bitches!

So tired of the world.

First, health update. Recovery going well, scabs over incisions are almost gone, but had a bit of a bladder scare. During the surgery, doc found some red splotches on my bladder, took pics and sent them to primary doc. She sent me to a urologist who shoved a camera up my urethra (not as terrifying as it sounds, thankfully), and no more red splotches. BUT, still have trace amounts of blood and protein in my urine, so I had a ct uroscopy (urogram? Like an mri) on Weds. Still waiting on results. Hopefully Dr Urbanc will call me tomorrow. Anyway, still tired after errands, but getting better. Still can't swim or take a bubble bath, but hopefully soon. Have another post op on Aug 14th.

The world. Ugh. Tired of covid. Tired of racial injustice. Tired of Trump and his cronies. Thought about escaping.. but no where to escape to. Americans aren't allowed to leave the country because Trump mishandled this pandemic so badly. Just trying to hang on for change, hopefully change for the better. Despite the Effexor, the depression is difficult. And because of the Effexor (and surgery recovery) can't even masturbate to escape mentally for a little while. Keep wanting to scream, I do not belong in this timeline!!!

Someone make it better. Please.

SUCCESS!

DISCLAIMER: Potential TMI ahead:



So I got my blood pressure low enough to have surgery on the first. NO MORE BLEEDING! Not a drop since the surgery. It amazes me HOW MUCH that did for my mental health. I haven't updated until now because I've been recovering. Laparoscopic hysterectomy surgery is no joke, it's considered major surgery, and I've never had major surgery before. I started with a Dilaudid in the morning and then one before bed (for a couple days) then went to just one before bed, and now I don't take them at all (last one was last Friday). I'm not in pain (well except a little when I sneeze or cough too hard), the biggest after effect right now is that I get tired reeeeeally easily, but even that is getting better. And it's only been 12 days. Recovery time is estimated for 4-6 weeks. I have my post-op appointment tomorrow to evaluate my recovery progress and for recommendations going forward. I still can't lift anything (over 10lbs anyway) and probably can't go swimming for a little while yet, but overall I think I'm doing really well. I can drive again, so I'll be driving myself to my appointment. SO EXCITED to see what the doc has to say. My only concerns really are 1. my bladder has been a bit shy. I mean, I pee, but its more of a long trickle than a short burst. 2. I am back to being regular as far as poops, but I kinda get scared whenever I have to go like I'm going to mess something up in my insides if I strain too hard. Hopefully, the doc can address these issues and reassure me.
Dr. Oscar Polo has been amazing, I highly recommend him. Oregon Clinic Gynecological, inside Providence Medical Building. He is very kind and patient and explains everything very well.
The hardest part of my recovery is staying in bed doing nothing. I mean, wth, it's a pandemic, the only difference is I'm in bed instead of at my desk, why is it so hard? Maybe Quarantine fatigue + recovery makes it harder. As I'm feeling better, I wanna go DO STUFF, but...pandemic. Bleh. So I settle for running errands in my immediate neighborhood (groceries, dispensary, Plaid) when I need to get out of the house.
Ok, well, it's shower day, I should get going. My first shower after getting out of the hospital wore me out SO MUCH I had to lie down after. Subsequent showers have been much better.
But I haven't been able to do laundry because I can't lift the laundry basket. Chloe has been super helpful in a lot of ways, but unfortunately, that's not one of them. :(  Ah well. Soon I hope.