On to more frivolous topics...

 Well, journal prompts anyway.

What's a belief about myself that I need to let go of?

I've pretty much let go of it already, but the idea that I need a relationship to be complete. I am a whole complete person all on my own, thank you.

What are you grateful for today?

I'm grateful for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I'm grateful for my family, especially my mom. I'm grateful for my bestie and the fact that I have several tiers of besties. :) I'm grateful for my kitties, even though one is a total food whore. I'm grateful to CareOregon for taking care of 6 months of bills for me (I'd be even more grateful if they'd take care of those soon!)

What are your goals this month?

Make some money, honey. Hoping karaoke goes well for the rest of the month, although Januarys are typically slower. I also want to get my apartment clean enough for company (not that we are planning on having any, but it helps with motivation).

What inspires you?

Seeing people standing up to fascism. People helping people make a better world. My mom. Fresh cut grass on a sunny morning.

What happened at 10am today?

Not much. I was up, dressed, and playing Farmville2.

Who makes you feel most loved and why?

My mom, because she lets me know, and because she shows it. She would defend me to any enemy, or even to someone talking bad about me or making me feel bad. She is my champion.

Advice you would give to someone else your age?

Stop caring so much about what other people think. If they aren't fucking you, feeding you, or paying your bills, pay them no mind. Live life on your own terms. This too shall pass. If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING.

Death strikes again.

 Will Brundage texted me last night as I was about to fall asleep. Brother Sam died yesterday. How many more? Will I be next? These are all YOUNG people. Not elderly. I thought I would lose friends into my 70s, 80s. Not 30s 40s and 50s. 

I'd like to say their names here, as a dedication, memorial, whatever. These are not in order, and I'm sure I missed some.

Jason Alderman (Brother Sam)

Tim Petersen

Merry Neves

Dan Williams

Annie Merschbrock (my sis)

Adrian Dombrowski

Jesse Creighton

Lauren Watson

Mahni Smith (my sis in law)

Jojo Jann

Then there are the rave/music friends (not a full list)

AJ

Katrina

Adam

Bulldog

Jershon

Jack 

3 Peace (Justin)

Ewok (Elvis)

And of course Hawaii folks

Calvin Eckman

and more that I can't think of, but I know there are several.

SO much loss. Maybe my lesson is that death happens, and I need to learn how to deal with it. Because I'm not so good with that. Maybe life is preparing me for when I lose my mom, because I am NOT going to be ok and I know it. 

Chloe thinks I'm beig morbid posting this. But as I get older, my memory fails more. I want this here so I remember.

Journal prompts, again...Hey at least I'm writing! :)

 How do you believe you could have a life you absolutely love?

It all boils down to money. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly allows you the freedom. In a capitalist society, money=freedom=happiness. So. Yes, it does. I'd love my life if I had the money and freedom to travel, or to make my home surroundings as comfortable as possible. Or, eventually, both. Enough money might even buy me a kidney. I've heard those on Medicaid are lower on the list. I hope that's just a rumor, because if not, it's fucking classist as hell. But what can I expect from this country anymore, ugh.

What advice would you give to last year's you?

Don't ever lie to Chloe; she can see right through you. Chill out on the drinking. You don't NEED to drink to be a good karaoke host. Hang in there, mind your diet and fluids, and you'll be okay. And get off your ass and get some damn exercise. Even if it's just your PT exercises.

Favorite memory last year?

I don't even know. At my age, I feel like memories blur together and are harder to pinpoint. Birthday was good. No Snug party this year though, my bday is on a Friday, I kinda wanna go a little bigger. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just chill and hang out with Chloe and the kitties. Haven't decided yet. Summer was fun, with our monthly BBQs. Although they were a little expensive. Maybe not EVERY month this summer? Idk, I'll talk to Chloe about it and see what she thinks.

Three self-care habits you want to try?

Well, we now have a sauna in our dining/living room, so that. :) Regular sauna sits. Bathing more often than once a week. That's two. Hmmm... Cleaning up my environment (my room). Reorganize my room so it reorganizes my brain, lol.

Search affirmations and pick 5 for the new year.

1. I trust myself to make thoughtful choices.
2. My emotions are valid
3. I choose patience over pressure.
4. I believe in my abilities
5. I learn from mistakes without shame.

What word do you want to bring with you into the new year?

Ooh, that's a tough one. What will the word of 2026 be? As I'm thinking that, the word that keeps popping in my head is RESILIENCE. Was that 2025's word, though? Not intentionally. SO resilience is my intentional word for 2026.

One way you have already lived into your word so far this year.

Well, Bing describes resilience as the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. I think I bounce back pretty well from challenges. I haven't had a whole lot since New Year's, though, so not sure how I've lived it yet.

Something new you want to try this year?

Ideally, renting an RV for a couple nights this summer and going camping! Yeah baby!

Ok thats enough for now. I've already talked about my resolutions and stuff, so I'll leave that out of this entry. I suppose I will talk about it again eventually. Tho my mom did say it looks like I am losing some weight, yay! Working towards that transplant list....

More journal prompts

 My favorite time of day is:

I'd say they all have their merits. But lately I've been enjoying mornings, promises of a new day, and all that.

The coziest place for me:

My bed! Memory foam mattress, squishmallows, cozy comforter. It has it all! :) Even a touch light above my head.

A warm sunny day inspires me to:

Be happy! Go outdoors! Play Grateful Dead and light some nag champa incense! Joni Mitchell works too.

I'm unsure about:

What the future holds. Will Chloe stay or go? Will we finish the droid project? Will my mom be here in another 10 years? Will I? I hope so!

I worry that:

*I* won't be here in 10 years. That Chloe will leave, and I'll never see her again. That my mom will pass too soon. That we'll never get our family compound. That I'll never get my RV. Just worries.

I vividly remember:

The day my sister died. 9/11. The morning of the Challenger explosion. The cruise my sis and I went on.

I dream of:

Owning my own RV and traveling the country with my dog that I don't have yet. The droid project making us LOTS of money. Our family compound that my mom and I dreamed about together. Being able to pay off all my mom's credit card bills. Well, and my own of course.

It doesn't make sense to:

me that no one has gotten the rotten pedo in chief out of office yet. But progress is being made (all the new progressives in office, like mayor of NYC and mayor of Seattle for example). One day, billionaires WILL pay their damn taxes, preferably at 90% or more. I don't know if prices will ever go down, they usually don't trend that direction, but maybe one day we will have a fair living wage. AND MEDICARE FOR ALL! Or some form of universal healthcare, like every other developed country in the world. 

I'm ready to:

Live my life. On my terms. Without anyone telling me what I can and can't do. Which means yes, Chloe, a couple of cocktails now and then!! Grrr!

There's still time for me to:

Do the things I need to do to be successful. Lose weight, quit smoking, get kidney transplant, go back to work, make a bunch of money and get that RV!

Ok that's it for now. Look at me, writing and stuff!

Hello, 2026

 Let's try a journal prompt: What's one goal you are determined to achieve this year?

Well, I have a couple, actually. I want to lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list, which means I need to get to about 190, maybe 180. Which means I need to lose a lot of weight, like 60-75 pounds. I've done it before, I can do it again. The other goal is to quit smoking, AGAIN, this time for GOOD.

Finish the sentence: "One year from now, I hope to..." have a new kidney and go back to Kona. Preferably with Shaedra or Chloe. Also to finish the droid project and have our prototype. And to show it to Colen.

What does success look like to you personally, regardless of society's standards? Success, to me, means being healthy and happy. To not be in debt. To be able to pay all my bills. To have the respect of my family, especially my brothers. To be doing something I love. To afford vacations. To not work at a soul-sucking job that makes me feel defeated. I don't know if I will ever find it, but I won't give up.

If you could achieve anything without fear of failure, what would you pursue?  The droid project, for one. We need a programmer better than ChatGPT. Chloe needs more motivation, and I need to know how to give that to her. As far as careers, a voice-over actor. Definitely. It sounds like Todd may have more audiobooks in the works, and I let him know I was available.

Imagine your life 3 years from now. What do you see?

EDA (ERA?) in mass production with the help of some investors and grants, Chloe is happy and successful, boating around the world on her yacht. I'm still alive, thanks to a successful kidney transplant, and traveling the country in my RV with my dog. 

What are your hopes for your community or the world at large?

I hope the US survives the fascist in office, and locks him away in prison along with the rest of his cabinet. The Epstein files get released without redactions (except to protect the actual innocents). I hope that the Portland city council gets its shit together and finds a REAL solution to the drug and homeless issues. I hope all the new people voted in are progressives.

That's it for now, I may use more journal prompts (and write more!) in the future.

Goodbye, 2025

 Xmas was nice, went to the Seattle area to see my brothers, managed a 3-day trip with some dialysis finagling. It was good to be with family, although the rest of my family (Chloe and kitties) stayed home. We did our own Xmas Day when I got back, French toast, bacon, and all. :)

Now it's New Year's Eve, and I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Chloe is mad at me because I had 2 cocktails at karaoke (at least I didn't lie, and I blew a 0.00 on my new breathalyzer before I left the bar).. but she's pissed, and I don't know how to fix it, so I'm following her lead. Which, so far, is to just act like I don't exist. Which puts a damper on the evening plans. I could just go to the drone show with Tabby and friends, but I don't want to leave Chloe to go hang out with her friends. I could go to the Snug, but then we'd have the same alcohol fight again. We also talked about bingeing all of Season 5 of Stranger Things, but that would involve her talking to me, which doesn't seem like she's ready to do. I understand that she doesn't want alcohol in her life, but if I blow 0.00 before I leave the bar, it's really not. Plus, my time in treatment taught me a lot that I think will help prevent my drinking from being "just like last time". But she isn't willing to even give me a chance. Her prerogative, I guess. I'm just sad she refuses to trust me.

And I'm tired of being controlled all the time. Sometimes, sure. Some things, sure. But the level of control she tries to take is just too much. And other people bring it up to me, and I defend her, even if I don't necessarily agree with her. 

Moving on... Plans for 2026: save some money with the help of HRSN, quit smoking, and lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list. I'll revisit this at the end of 2026 and see if I've accomplished those things. Not a huge list. I guess I should add stay friends with Chloe, regardless of whether she moves out or not (yes, she's threatening to again), and finish the droid project. We need a programmer, though. 

Ok, I wrote. See you next year!

I never thought I'd say this so soon...

 ...but happy heavenly birthday, Annie. I miss you so much. Sure, we drove each other crazy, but it was OUR crazy, you know? You left this earth much too young. I thought we'd be little old ladies together. 

The grief never goes away. I still want to scream out to the universe, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" and "WHY HER? WHY THEN?"...Because it's not fair. She was my baby sister.

My mom told me today that I better not die anytime soon, because losing me too would kill her. I told her I have no plans to do that, and fight every day to avoid it. Grim Reaper comes for me, he gets punched in the nose. :) If he has a nose. Whatever, I'll keep punching til I connect to something lol.

I try not to think about my own mortality much, like if I ignore it, it won't happen. Haha. Yeah I know thats not true, so I just keep fighting kidney disease and taking care of my heart. Which includes NOT falling in love again. I don't know if I could handle yet another guy ghosting me. Over it. I got me, I got my family, I got Chloe and the kitties. I don't need much else, other than the basics (roof over my head, heat, electric, phone, internet, etc etc).

I feel like I should write more about Annie, but every word justr makes it hurt more. I think I'm done for now. I love and miss you Annie, and wish you were still here.

The dry spell is almost over...

 ...my 90 days is up on Dec 17th, but my last group is on Dec 19th and I'm staying sober until its all done. Then... I don't know. My desire to drink has definitely waned. It's more about having the choice to drink or not. I don't like the choice being taken away from me. And I do miss experimenting with cocktails, although I haven't done that in a long time. I think I'll stay "mostly sober" and only drink occasionally, and STAY within my limits. (2-4 max, water between each drink, 2 hours after last drink before I drive, depending on how many I've had, of course, etc.). Maybe I need to find my breathalyzer that Naz gave me. Or get a new one. 

Sorry took a break to look at breathalyzers on Amazon. The good ones are pretty spendy. Added a few to my Xmas wish list.

Speaking of Xmas... 2 big sources of stress. Lack of money for presents, or even materials to MAKE presents, and finding a kitty sitter for our trip to Seattle. Chloe says if we can't find one, she's staying home. I said if she's staying home so am I because I don't want her to be alone on Xmas. If only Naomi wasn't being such a butthead. I still need to ask Kana. And that's about it for the list of people we trust with a key and our kitties. I really want to see my brothers, but not bad enough to leave my best friend home alone on Xmas.

Not much else to say today. Wishing this weed gummy would kick in to I can go to sleep at a reasonable hour, since I have to get up at 5am to get ready for dialysis at 6:50am. I have to be there at 6:30. Kinda loving and hating this schedule at the same time. 

Peace love and pickles.

Thankful for many things...

 ...mostly my mom. She has been so amazing since I got my terminal kidney diagnosis. But, unfortunately, she's "amazed" herself into a hole that I can't help with until my housing benefit kicks in. I got my approval letter in September. I thought they were supposed to contact me by now. But every time I call, they force me to leave a message for a callback, then never call me back. It's so incredibly frustrating. I want to help my mom, but I can't until they get their shit together and CALL ME.

I'm also thankful for Chloe. I don't know where I would be without her. Lonely, for one thing. She's a wonderful best friend, and I fail her too often. She needs a cheerleader to stay motivated, and I have been lacking in the cheer department. I REALLY want to do better.

I'm thankful for my brothers, for their help in the past. I get it, times are rough these days. But I love them always.

I'm thankful for my nieces, Annie's living legacies. I know she would be proud of them. Although she might give Lily more of a "kick in the pants" than my mom has been able to. 

I'm thankful for Dory and Willow, even though I was against having pets initially, I love them both endlessly.

I'm thankful that dialysis is sustaining my life, because I am not ready to leave it yet. I still have too much to do. Help my mom, get mine and Chloe's company up and running, making us rich, and I still want to travel in an RV at some point before I die. I've dreamt of that since I was at least 10, if not younger.

I'm sure there's more. Karaoke. Friends. So on and so forth. 

Grateful to be here. Thankful for a lot.

Kicking myself now...

 I didn't make it to the protest

Anyone know where to find a giant piece of cardboard?

 SO I'm going to my first protest since the Occupy movement in 2010. No Kings Day, Sept 18th. Noon to 4pm at Waterfront Park. In the spirit of the recent protests at the ICE facility (FUCK ICE by the way), my mom got me an inflatable costume to wear. The Dump says we're violent. No, we are Portland silly. And when the rest of the world sees what he calls "violent," maybe they will understand that the man just spews lies. And yes, the Revolution WILL be televised. I need to figure out what I want to put on my protest sign. Just "No Kings"? "Fuck ICE"? or maybe a simple "No Justice, No Peace". Ugh, so much to choose from, thanks to this disgusting administration.

I still can't believe we are still in the first year. He and his cabinet have already done so much damage, I'm scared to see what the country will be like three years from now. 

In other news, dialysis is.... going. Not well, sadly, because of my "fluid gains," which I really think are mostly calorie gains. But I finally got Mounjaro, so hopefully the gains will come off quickly. It's nice to get out of the house, though, and I like my techs.

Therapy is good, groups are going well, although sometimes I have to fight off the urge to drink. Most of the time I'm fine, though. I've never really had a problem with alcohol (save for the few isolated incidents), but I am still learning things. 

Ok, I'm running out of things to say, there's my update. Now to go look for that cardboard..