OMG... no, I didn't vanish...

 Just been busy. I'm super stressed about this HRSN benefit... They said I was approved after I sent them amounts, and now suddenly they have a "cap", meaning they'll pay PART of the bill and I have to cover the rest. Well, except for rent, that one is totally covered. So now I'm all stressed trying to figure out how to pay what's left behind. I had enough left after paying my mom to cover the rest of the storage unit, but I still have to pay $175 and change on the phone bill. Grrr. I NEED A JOB. But one that is FLEXIBLE and accommodates my dialysis schedule. And doesn't make me more than $1000 per month cuz if I go over that, my disability gets docked. ARRGGGHHHH. So I ordered 2 books on how to get voice-over work. They weren't expensive. And they could lead to a lot more money. It was a worthy investment.

My other worry is Chloe; she has not been doing well the past few days. She said she wanted to go to the hospital, but changed her mind and is sleeping instead. But that in itself could be a sign of something bad. It's like, do I wake her and drag her to the hospital, and it's nothing? Or do we not go and risk it being something bad? She is completely disillusioned with doctors, and I don't blame her; they misdiagnosed her and treated her like a drug seeker for YEARS. Ugh. For now, I will wait and see.

I'm exhausted, but I need to clean the cat box because Chloe can't. I need to take out my bedroom trash. We need to clean this house before I bring Buffy, our new kitty, home on Saturday. I hope I don't have to do it alone. Hopefully, all this sleep Chloe is getting helps her heal, and she wakes up feeling great. Is there a spell for that?

Insert witty title here

 ...I'm running out of ideas for witty titles. Oh well. Found some more journal prompts to try out...

What are you most looking forward to in the coming year?

LOSING WEIGHT. Quitting smoking. Getting on the transplant list. As soon as the pharmacy fills it, I'm going up to the 7.5 of Mounjaro. Fingers crossed that it helps.

Three goals for this month:

Well, the month is half over, so I did accomplish at least one goal: new toys for karaoke. I got a disco ball light and a neon karaoke sign, woo hoo! And my mom gave me these stand-up picture frames, and I made a sheet to put in them that shows ALL the ways to tip me. :) Another goal is keep my kidney labs looking good, which means upping my protein intake a bit. Easy peasy. Hmm..a third goal...I guess watch my fluid intake better than I have been. 

Something you are looking forward to:

Hanging out with Sarah, which had to be put on hold for a bit for Sarah's mental health. We're shooting for Tuesday. Then we will go to Dollar Tree and get the stuff to make protest signs and then make them. YAY!

A trip you want to take this year:

Well, dialysis limits my trip-taking, but I would like to bop down to Eugene for a couple of days. And then of course, Thanksgiving or Xmas in Seattle, if we go that route again this year.

A challenge you have overcome:

Well, I went over 90 days without a drop of alcohol, so that's something. And I haven't gone back to pandemic drinking (although it would be nice to go back to social drinking).

Your favorite part about Dec 2025:

Christmas with the fam, although I missed the bestie and kitties.

A change to make:

quitting smoking before 2026 ends

Something new to try:

Well, I broke down and got the Il Makiage foundation. I'm going to try it on Monday to see if it's worth the hype. Why Monday? It's the only day I wear makeup.

A quote that inspires you:

"If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!"

Let the frivolity continue...

 More journal prompts...

What were you doing at 10am today?

I was up, dressed, and drinking my espresso. About to play a little Farmville2 before my therapy appointment. And texting with Sarah. We are going to put my zebra suit to use and go to a protest. But first, we must make signs. SO Friday we are going to Dollar Tree.

What is causing you stress right now?

The feeling of being controlled. The state of the USA. Worrying about bills. Worrying about being able to afford a 3rd kitty, but also REEEAALLY wanting to bring her home soon!

Finish the sentence: "It's funny, but..."

...I think I actually learned "Kate language" (that I thought I made up as a child) from my mother, lol. She says some of the same stuff on the regular. And when she says a bunch of seemingly nonsensical words, I usually know what she's saying. Is that weird?

What made you smile today?

The silly squirrels on the property that come ask for nuts (run right up to me!) and then show me where to put them (either side of the BBQ). Also, my kitties. They're always the cutest. And my therapist. I enjoy talking with her.

What is something beautiful you noticed today?

The quiet of the fog-covered morning, with only the occasional chirp of birds, flitting from bush to bush.

What is one step today I can take to help me towards my goals?

NOT going and getting ice cream. I need to get this weight off, so I can qualify for a transplant, so I don't have to do dialysis anymore. So yeah, kind of important.

What does your dream life look like?

Post transplant, travelling the country in my RV with a dog, and maybe a cat. 

On to more frivolous topics...

 Well, journal prompts anyway.

What's a belief about myself that I need to let go of?

I've pretty much let go of it already, but the idea that I need a relationship to be complete. I am a whole complete person all on my own, thank you.

What are you grateful for today?

I'm grateful for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I'm grateful for my family, especially my mom. I'm grateful for my bestie and the fact that I have several tiers of besties. :) I'm grateful for my kitties, even though one is a total food whore. I'm grateful to CareOregon for taking care of 6 months of bills for me (I'd be even more grateful if they'd take care of those soon!)

What are your goals this month?

Make some money, honey. Hoping karaoke goes well for the rest of the month, although Januarys are typically slower. I also want to get my apartment clean enough for company (not that we are planning on having any, but it helps with motivation).

What inspires you?

Seeing people standing up to fascism. People helping people make a better world. My mom. Fresh cut grass on a sunny morning.

What happened at 10am today?

Not much. I was up, dressed, and playing Farmville2.

Who makes you feel most loved and why?

My mom, because she lets me know, and because she shows it. She would defend me to any enemy, or even to someone talking bad about me or making me feel bad. She is my champion.

Advice you would give to someone else your age?

Stop caring so much about what other people think. If they aren't fucking you, feeding you, or paying your bills, pay them no mind. Live life on your own terms. This too shall pass. If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING.

Death strikes again.

 Will Brundage texted me last night as I was about to fall asleep. Brother Sam died yesterday. How many more? Will I be next? These are all YOUNG people. Not elderly. I thought I would lose friends into my 70s, 80s. Not 30s 40s and 50s. 

I'd like to say their names here, as a dedication, memorial, whatever. These are not in order, and I'm sure I missed some.

Jason Alderman (Brother Sam)

Tim Petersen

Merry Neves

Dan Williams

Annie Merschbrock (my sis)

Adrian Dombrowski

Jesse Creighton

Lauren Watson

Mahni Smith (my sis in law)

Jojo Jann

Then there are the rave/music friends (not a full list)

AJ

Katrina

Adam

Bulldog

Jershon

Jack 

3 Peace (Justin)

Ewok (Elvis)

And of course Hawaii folks

Calvin Eckman

and more that I can't think of, but I know there are several.

SO much loss. Maybe my lesson is that death happens, and I need to learn how to deal with it. Because I'm not so good with that. Maybe life is preparing me for when I lose my mom, because I am NOT going to be ok and I know it. 

Chloe thinks I'm beig morbid posting this. But as I get older, my memory fails more. I want this here so I remember.

Journal prompts, again...Hey at least I'm writing! :)

 How do you believe you could have a life you absolutely love?

It all boils down to money. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly allows you the freedom. In a capitalist society, money=freedom=happiness. So. Yes, it does. I'd love my life if I had the money and freedom to travel, or to make my home surroundings as comfortable as possible. Or, eventually, both. Enough money might even buy me a kidney. I've heard those on Medicaid are lower on the list. I hope that's just a rumor, because if not, it's fucking classist as hell. But what can I expect from this country anymore, ugh.

What advice would you give to last year's you?

Don't ever lie to Chloe; she can see right through you. Chill out on the drinking. You don't NEED to drink to be a good karaoke host. Hang in there, mind your diet and fluids, and you'll be okay. And get off your ass and get some damn exercise. Even if it's just your PT exercises.

Favorite memory last year?

I don't even know. At my age, I feel like memories blur together and are harder to pinpoint. Birthday was good. No Snug party this year though, my bday is on a Friday, I kinda wanna go a little bigger. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just chill and hang out with Chloe and the kitties. Haven't decided yet. Summer was fun, with our monthly BBQs. Although they were a little expensive. Maybe not EVERY month this summer? Idk, I'll talk to Chloe about it and see what she thinks.

Three self-care habits you want to try?

Well, we now have a sauna in our dining/living room, so that. :) Regular sauna sits. Bathing more often than once a week. That's two. Hmmm... Cleaning up my environment (my room). Reorganize my room so it reorganizes my brain, lol.

Search affirmations and pick 5 for the new year.

1. I trust myself to make thoughtful choices.
2. My emotions are valid
3. I choose patience over pressure.
4. I believe in my abilities
5. I learn from mistakes without shame.

What word do you want to bring with you into the new year?

Ooh, that's a tough one. What will the word of 2026 be? As I'm thinking that, the word that keeps popping in my head is RESILIENCE. Was that 2025's word, though? Not intentionally. SO resilience is my intentional word for 2026.

One way you have already lived into your word so far this year.

Well, Bing describes resilience as the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. I think I bounce back pretty well from challenges. I haven't had a whole lot since New Year's, though, so not sure how I've lived it yet.

Something new you want to try this year?

Ideally, renting an RV for a couple nights this summer and going camping! Yeah baby!

Ok thats enough for now. I've already talked about my resolutions and stuff, so I'll leave that out of this entry. I suppose I will talk about it again eventually. Tho my mom did say it looks like I am losing some weight, yay! Working towards that transplant list....

More journal prompts

 My favorite time of day is:

I'd say they all have their merits. But lately I've been enjoying mornings, promises of a new day, and all that.

The coziest place for me:

My bed! Memory foam mattress, squishmallows, cozy comforter. It has it all! :) Even a touch light above my head.

A warm sunny day inspires me to:

Be happy! Go outdoors! Play Grateful Dead and light some nag champa incense! Joni Mitchell works too.

I'm unsure about:

What the future holds. Will Chloe stay or go? Will we finish the droid project? Will my mom be here in another 10 years? Will I? I hope so!

I worry that:

*I* won't be here in 10 years. That Chloe will leave, and I'll never see her again. That my mom will pass too soon. That we'll never get our family compound. That I'll never get my RV. Just worries.

I vividly remember:

The day my sister died. 9/11. The morning of the Challenger explosion. The cruise my sis and I went on.

I dream of:

Owning my own RV and traveling the country with my dog that I don't have yet. The droid project making us LOTS of money. Our family compound that my mom and I dreamed about together. Being able to pay off all my mom's credit card bills. Well, and my own of course.

It doesn't make sense to:

me that no one has gotten the rotten pedo in chief out of office yet. But progress is being made (all the new progressives in office, like mayor of NYC and mayor of Seattle for example). One day, billionaires WILL pay their damn taxes, preferably at 90% or more. I don't know if prices will ever go down, they usually don't trend that direction, but maybe one day we will have a fair living wage. AND MEDICARE FOR ALL! Or some form of universal healthcare, like every other developed country in the world. 

I'm ready to:

Live my life. On my terms. Without anyone telling me what I can and can't do. Which means yes, Chloe, a couple of cocktails now and then!! Grrr!

There's still time for me to:

Do the things I need to do to be successful. Lose weight, quit smoking, get kidney transplant, go back to work, make a bunch of money and get that RV!

Ok that's it for now. Look at me, writing and stuff!

Hello, 2026

 Let's try a journal prompt: What's one goal you are determined to achieve this year?

Well, I have a couple, actually. I want to lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list, which means I need to get to about 190, maybe 180. Which means I need to lose a lot of weight, like 60-75 pounds. I've done it before, I can do it again. The other goal is to quit smoking, AGAIN, this time for GOOD.

Finish the sentence: "One year from now, I hope to..." have a new kidney and go back to Kona. Preferably with Shaedra or Chloe. Also to finish the droid project and have our prototype. And to show it to Colen.

What does success look like to you personally, regardless of society's standards? Success, to me, means being healthy and happy. To not be in debt. To be able to pay all my bills. To have the respect of my family, especially my brothers. To be doing something I love. To afford vacations. To not work at a soul-sucking job that makes me feel defeated. I don't know if I will ever find it, but I won't give up.

If you could achieve anything without fear of failure, what would you pursue?  The droid project, for one. We need a programmer better than ChatGPT. Chloe needs more motivation, and I need to know how to give that to her. As far as careers, a voice-over actor. Definitely. It sounds like Todd may have more audiobooks in the works, and I let him know I was available.

Imagine your life 3 years from now. What do you see?

EDA (ERA?) in mass production with the help of some investors and grants, Chloe is happy and successful, boating around the world on her yacht. I'm still alive, thanks to a successful kidney transplant, and traveling the country in my RV with my dog. 

What are your hopes for your community or the world at large?

I hope the US survives the fascist in office, and locks him away in prison along with the rest of his cabinet. The Epstein files get released without redactions (except to protect the actual innocents). I hope that the Portland city council gets its shit together and finds a REAL solution to the drug and homeless issues. I hope all the new people voted in are progressives.

That's it for now, I may use more journal prompts (and write more!) in the future.

Goodbye, 2025

 Xmas was nice, went to the Seattle area to see my brothers, managed a 3-day trip with some dialysis finagling. It was good to be with family, although the rest of my family (Chloe and kitties) stayed home. We did our own Xmas Day when I got back, French toast, bacon, and all. :)

Now it's New Year's Eve, and I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Chloe is mad at me because I had 2 cocktails at karaoke (at least I didn't lie, and I blew a 0.00 on my new breathalyzer before I left the bar).. but she's pissed, and I don't know how to fix it, so I'm following her lead. Which, so far, is to just act like I don't exist. Which puts a damper on the evening plans. I could just go to the drone show with Tabby and friends, but I don't want to leave Chloe to go hang out with her friends. I could go to the Snug, but then we'd have the same alcohol fight again. We also talked about bingeing all of Season 5 of Stranger Things, but that would involve her talking to me, which doesn't seem like she's ready to do. I understand that she doesn't want alcohol in her life, but if I blow 0.00 before I leave the bar, it's really not. Plus, my time in treatment taught me a lot that I think will help prevent my drinking from being "just like last time". But she isn't willing to even give me a chance. Her prerogative, I guess. I'm just sad she refuses to trust me.

And I'm tired of being controlled all the time. Sometimes, sure. Some things, sure. But the level of control she tries to take is just too much. And other people bring it up to me, and I defend her, even if I don't necessarily agree with her. 

Moving on... Plans for 2026: save some money with the help of HRSN, quit smoking, and lose enough weight to qualify for the kidney transplant list. I'll revisit this at the end of 2026 and see if I've accomplished those things. Not a huge list. I guess I should add stay friends with Chloe, regardless of whether she moves out or not (yes, she's threatening to again), and finish the droid project. We need a programmer, though. 

Ok, I wrote. See you next year!

I never thought I'd say this so soon...

 ...but happy heavenly birthday, Annie. I miss you so much. Sure, we drove each other crazy, but it was OUR crazy, you know? You left this earth much too young. I thought we'd be little old ladies together. 

The grief never goes away. I still want to scream out to the universe, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" and "WHY HER? WHY THEN?"...Because it's not fair. She was my baby sister.

My mom told me today that I better not die anytime soon, because losing me too would kill her. I told her I have no plans to do that, and fight every day to avoid it. Grim Reaper comes for me, he gets punched in the nose. :) If he has a nose. Whatever, I'll keep punching til I connect to something lol.

I try not to think about my own mortality much, like if I ignore it, it won't happen. Haha. Yeah I know thats not true, so I just keep fighting kidney disease and taking care of my heart. Which includes NOT falling in love again. I don't know if I could handle yet another guy ghosting me. Over it. I got me, I got my family, I got Chloe and the kitties. I don't need much else, other than the basics (roof over my head, heat, electric, phone, internet, etc etc).

I feel like I should write more about Annie, but every word justr makes it hurt more. I think I'm done for now. I love and miss you Annie, and wish you were still here.

The dry spell is almost over...

 ...my 90 days is up on Dec 17th, but my last group is on Dec 19th and I'm staying sober until its all done. Then... I don't know. My desire to drink has definitely waned. It's more about having the choice to drink or not. I don't like the choice being taken away from me. And I do miss experimenting with cocktails, although I haven't done that in a long time. I think I'll stay "mostly sober" and only drink occasionally, and STAY within my limits. (2-4 max, water between each drink, 2 hours after last drink before I drive, depending on how many I've had, of course, etc.). Maybe I need to find my breathalyzer that Naz gave me. Or get a new one. 

Sorry took a break to look at breathalyzers on Amazon. The good ones are pretty spendy. Added a few to my Xmas wish list.

Speaking of Xmas... 2 big sources of stress. Lack of money for presents, or even materials to MAKE presents, and finding a kitty sitter for our trip to Seattle. Chloe says if we can't find one, she's staying home. I said if she's staying home so am I because I don't want her to be alone on Xmas. If only Naomi wasn't being such a butthead. I still need to ask Kana. And that's about it for the list of people we trust with a key and our kitties. I really want to see my brothers, but not bad enough to leave my best friend home alone on Xmas.

Not much else to say today. Wishing this weed gummy would kick in to I can go to sleep at a reasonable hour, since I have to get up at 5am to get ready for dialysis at 6:50am. I have to be there at 6:30. Kinda loving and hating this schedule at the same time. 

Peace love and pickles.