Just wanted to share this..

 ...this just popped up on my Facebook feed (credit given at end):

In 1923 Adolf Hitler incited an insurrection against the German government. He was tried, given a slap on the wrist, and became a convicted felon. Despite being treated charitably by the judge, Hitler claimed the trial was political persecution and successfully portrayed himself as a victim of the “corrupt" Social Democrats.

Hitler cleverly positioned himself as the voice of the "common man," railing against the "elites," cultural "degeneracy," and the establishment, who he all labeled as "Marxists." He claimed the education system was indoctrinating children to hate Germany, and promised to return Germany to greatness.

To solidify his base, Hitler masterfully scapegoated minorities for the nation's problems, exploiting societal divisions with an "us vs. them" narrative. Many Germans took the bait. Hitler's Nazi Party continued to gain traction, until he became Chancellor in 1933.

Hitler appointed German oligarchs as his economic advisors. He proceeded to privatize government run utilities, solidifying support of the economic elite.

With the working class divided along cultural and ethnic lines, the Nazis shut down workers unions and abolished strikes.

Progressives and trade unionists were imprisoned and sent to concentration camps. Corporate profits skyrocketed while working class Germans lived paycheck to paycheck.

Hitler, who became a billionaire while in office, knew he and his clan of oligarchs could get away with the scam if they constantly had an "enemy within" to blame while the corporatocracy robbed the country blind.

An easy target was one of the smallest minorities. Hitler removed birthright citizenship rights of Jews and started rounding them up for mass deportations for being "illegally" in the country.

The German press under Nazi rule highlighted instances of violence by Jews to convince the public that Jewish immigrants were a danger to the "real Germans."

Hitler wasted no time dismantling democratic institutions. Loyalty wasn't just encouraged; it was demanded. Opponents were silenced. Media that dared to questioned[sic] him were vilified as "the enemy" and "Marxists."

Hitler's Propaganda Minister, Joseph Goebbels, bragged about how the Nazis were able to intimidate the media into giving them favorable coverage, and didn't need to give direct orders.

The Nazi regime and its followers collected all books they saw as promoting "degeneracy" or what would be considered "woke" today, and burned them in large bonfires. They also burned books that promoted class consciousness.

Berlin had a thriving LGBTQ community in the 1920s, and even had the first transgender clinic. The Nazis burned it to the ground. LGBTQ people were sent to concentration camps and forced to wear triangle badges. Many were killed in the Holocaust.

The Nazis also saw manhood as under threat by independent women who didn't rely on men. In 1934, Hitler proclaimed, “A women’s world is her her husband, her family, her children, her house." Laws that had protected women's rights were repealed and new laws were introduced to restrict women to the home and in their roles as wives and mothers.

Reproductive rights were severely rolled back, and doctors who performed abortions could face the death penalty.

Despite all of this, the German people didn't have a similar historical parallel to look upon as a warning.

Most Germans never acted like the sky was falling.

Most just went along with their lives as usual, until many of their lives were snuffed out. By the time Hitler's reign was forced to an end by the Allied Powers, 11 million people were murdered in the Holocaust, and 70-85 million were killed in WW2 .

Monica Aksamit

Bluesky

More ramblings...

 I told my mom I would try to write more often, so here I am again. But what to write about?

My birthday party is tomorrow. Chloe says I need to stop micromanaging and let her take charge, and she's right, of course. It's just hard to stop! :) But my mom paid for the few extra decorations we picked up at Dollar Tree, at least, and I turned them over to Chloe. She's getting my cake tomorrow at 4 p.m. and then going to the bar to set up, so I don't even need to be there until 6 p.m. for my usual karaoke setup. I told Brian to be there around 6-6:30. I'm hoping for a good turnout. We'll see.

Thn on Thursday I turn 55. That's a lot of years. When did that happen? What more is to come? Who knows, I'm just trying to survive. Enjoy the today, because who knows how many are left. I'll probably look back on this in 20 years and go, wow, that was quick. So I try to enjoy today.

Today, Chloe and Daniel are in the dining room making art. I have the Simpsons on in the background as I type this, and Dory is sleeping on my bed. Willow is in Chloe's room on the heating pad. We have rooms. We have a roof over our head. But every day I worry about how much longer that will be the case. Every day I worry about paying my mom back all the money she's spent on me since I got sick. Every day is just survival until the next. The USA empire is crashing, thanks to a party that's doing it's best to be the next Third Reich. Germany fell and so will we. But Germany rebuilt. The world rebuilt. And put that away until it reared it's ugly head on our shores. It's like the freedom my grandfather and so many others fought for was for naught. But not, for sane minds will eventually prevail. I hope.

Ok enough ranting and rambling for tonight. I wrote. Now I just need to get better.

I need to write more.

 Like it will help somehow, I don't know. Writer's block is a real thing. 

I could write about....living with stage 5 kidney disease. I'm not that wrapped up in it though, I'm just trying to survive it. What does that look like,, you ask? Well, going to dialysis 3 times a week for four hours each time. So, time-consuming. Watching my labs. Watching what I eat and drink (no more than 2 kilos fluid gain between dialysis visits! Who am I kidding, I put on 4 over the weekend, ugh) because the more fluid I gain, the harder it is on my heart. My mom thinks my kidney issues could be stress-related, cortisol, and all that. I don't know, maybe. So now I have to try and have less stress? In this time, in this fucking country? Not bloody likely. Money, it always comes down to money with my stress, though. I was doing so well, pulling down 38k a year before my kidney failure...and then they let me go because they didn't wanna work with my dialysis schedule? And I thought they valued me. Big mistake on my part, apparently. Yes, I am still pissed about that.  

Dr. Urbanc said I was medically interesting, which is not something one should be. Let's see, cancer survivor, and kidney failure survivor, still have sleep apnea, and thyroid issues, not to mention arthritis in my hips making it hard to walk very long, arthritis in my knees, and my left shoulder (where I broke it), what else..? High blood pressure, of course. At least my type 2 diabetes is well managed by my Trulicty scrip. Then there's depression, anxiety, OCD, and possibly a touch of ADD, not sure on that one, not officially diagnosed, but it wouldn't surprise me.

What else can I write about? I'm having a great time being a karaoke host once a week, and tips usually provide me with some spending money, which is nice. My volunteer gig with VAS, well, I've moved up to Acting Secretary, which could eventually be a paid position once we start getting grants and fundraising money. Between those things and dialysis, my life is pretty busy. Today was a blah day though. I did manage to go to my mammogram appointment and do a little grocery shopping but have lacked the motivation to do much else, and I guess it's ok to have those days once in a while, especially given my situation. But what to make for dinner? The neverending question of adult life, lol.

Speaking of adult life, I turn 55 next week. My birthday party will be on the 10th at karaoke at the bar, but I think it's going to be fun. Brian, my backup KJ (and former drummer of Sweaty Nipples and for a short time, Everclear) will be there to run things so I can mingle. Then on the 13th, my mom is making me a nice dinner <3. And I will officially be a senior, HA. Not ha. Idk. Hopefully, I can start drawing on SS (not just disability) and make enough to live on, I guess my cousin gets about 4 grand a month. I could live well on that. Until inflation makes it hard again. 

Ok enough rambling, my tummy is growling and I still need to figure out what to make for dinner.

It's times like this I wish I could talk to my sister...

 I mean, I could talk to Annie. Maybe I could even hear her, or at least hear what she might have said. But it's not the same. By times like this, of course, I mean the tragedy that is another Trump presidency. I'd advocate for assassination if JD Vance wasn't even worse. Truth is, the office of the president has a lot less power than Trump thinks it does, and the real ones to be scared of are the republicunt controlled House and Senate. This country is in the toilet and its getting ready to be flushed. What would Annie say? "Fuck the dumbshits" first, then maybe something about fighting the powers that be, like when she went and protested old growth logging in Pennsylvania or somewhere, which is why she had a record at the FBI. But maybe it would be older, more world weary Annie, and she'd say to just do the best you can for the people you love and fuck the rest. I wish I knew. And now I'm crying again.

This will be the third holiday season without her and it hurts just as much as the first. I never thought I would be in my 50s without Annie. I was in denial at how bad her health was. I thought we would be old crabby ladies together and now I have to do it on my own. Well, not totally alone, I have my mom for however long I have her, and I am trying hard to cherish every moment because I am NOT in denial about her lifespan. I mean sometimes I am, I know I will be a complete mess when its her time, but I'm not denying that it will happen, probably before me, although that's a whole other bag of worms.

I am in denial about my own eventual demise, even now as I am actively dying, being kept alive only by dialysis machines. When I die it will probably be more of a shock to me than to those I care about, lol. I don't want to die. There is still so much that I want to do in this life.

But for now I am focusing on whats in front of me: my family, my bestie, my kitties, and my own health. Holidays will be merry and bright, one way or another.

my bed is too comfortable

I mean, a bed should be comfortable, right? But mine is so comfy I don't want to leave it. Of course, if I stay too long it will become uncomfortable. So there's that. 

GAH! I am so overwhelmed..

 The moving process, my health, still grieving my sister, trying to sort out my feelings about Mark (We talked... as usual things are not as cut and dried as they seem), and well, mostly the moving. I feel like it is holding up the rest of LIFE. I just want to be done with the moving AND with the storage units... I can't afford more than 1, I need to condense...but mostly I want to be BUG FREE already. Can I please have my action montage scene now? Good grief. And this chest catheter...UGH. If I didn't have it I would already be nice and clean and showered...instead, I have to wait for Chloe to wake up so she can help me prep for the ordeal that is showering with a chest catheter. GRRR. Then again, it is noon..maybe I should wake her.

Well damn

 So much for "holding out for a hero" (ha ha), or biding my time, or anything. 

I did an FB search to see if Mark had unblocked me since his custody case was over. I found a profile with his name, and his face, saying he's been dating someone named Erica or something since Jan 2023. I thought he had grown up and believed in honesty, as he claimed. Fell for it again, 30 years later. I feel so stupid thinking we actually had something meaningful. So, I'm done. I have to remember to stop sending him rental homes since I now hope he stays in Eugene. I am done trying to navigate the world of dating. I'll be an old spinster, fuck it. I have my family, and my bestie, and the kitties. Who needs anything else, especially in my condition.  :(

We still haven't fully moved yet, partly because of critters, mostly because the furnace at the new place is leaking gas so we can't stay there until they have fixed it, which could be this week or next week. Pretty annoyed I'm paying so much rent on an apartment that I can't live in though. 

At least I get to go pick out some new furniture today, thanks to flex funds through Medicaid. I'm thinking for sure of a dresser, a couch, and maybe a desk...after that, I'm not sure yet. I'm hoping to find a kitchen/microwave cart at least. 

I need to get some bookcases out of storage, I think. If my mom didn't snag them :) I did tell her she could use what she wanted that I wasn't using though. I just have to see what bookcases are left. (Well, and completely condense my 10x15 and 10x10 into one unit, either a 10x10 or a 10x12 at Holladay, or a 10x15 at Halsey. At least my mom said she would help with those, possibly Noah&Chloe too. Summer project, I think.

Things are looking up for my SSI to get approved, I talked to someone with the Oregon Dept of Disabilities Determination. I could see money as soon as a week, but I am not holding my breath. And that's just part one, Part 2 will take longer apparently. In the meantime, I applied for unemployment since I am not unemployed due to any fault of my own. I'm just worried about the job search requirements. Not exactly in a position to just take any job. We'll see what happens when I have my in person at the employment dept.

My fistula is healing nicely, according to the nurses at the clinic. Looks kinda scary to me, but I will assume they know what they're talking about. Not super excited to get stuck with needles 3 times a week, but it will be better than this damn catheter in my chest. Cannot WAIT to get this damn thing out.

That's it for now, I have to go pick out furniture. :)

New year, new WTF

 So a lot has happened over the last month, we're talking life-changing shit here. I was admitted to the hospital on 12/29/23 with kidney failure and was in the hospital until 1/10/24. Yeah, spent new years in a hospital bed, but at least Chloe was with me and we shared some sparkling cider as we rang in the new year. New year, whole new life.

I now have hemodialysis 3 times a week at a clinic (eventually working up to home dialysis), I have even more things I'm not allowed to eat, and I have a chest catheter until I get my fistula installed in my arm. The chest catheter makes showering a huge ordeal, so I only do it about once a week. They (the hospital) gave me these wipes to use the rest of the time.

We are also moving from the apartment we have lived in for the last almost 9 years because it is unsafe, what with the rats and everything. Landlord showed up today all aggro and slammed his fist on our door which triggered Chloe and she let him have it (verbally, duh), basically unleashing ALL our frustrations with him, to him. No more Ms. nice guy. He has failed as a landlord and is trying to say we owe $15,000.00??? HELL to the no. HE was the one who dropped the ball on the pandemic relief, which would have paid 80% of our past due rent, and THAT is on HIM. He has refused to do anything about the rats. Or ANY other maintenance. He barely even takes care of the property, like routine stuff. Elizabeth is going to help us prep for any potential court case. Waiting to hear back from her now.

So we are moving to The Astoria, where my mom lives. Thanks to Colen, and the people who donated to the gofundme that my mom set up. Of course, we thought we had more time, but with the landlord showing up today, telling us to move, and Chloe telling him we were already in the process, the time is now to get shit done.

Of course, with all the kidney stuff now I am not allowed to get my back surgery so I have to just suffer in pain. Ugh. Meaning moving is gunna be a bitch if I can't find more help. But we do what we need to do,

Ok, you're updated. I got shit to do. 

Christmas Wish Lists

 Christmas wish lists have long been a tradition in my family. From marking up catalogs back in the analog days, to amazon lists in the digital age. I've always thought of giving my wish list as a "here are ideas if you're stumped" kind of thing rather than, "here's what I want please get it for me" kind of thing.

My mom had an idea, if I understood correctly, to make more of a "this is what I want from life" kind of list and then people can come up with their own ideas of how to help you reach those goals. For instance, I need to purge my storage units ASAP. What do I need to do that? Help, mostly. Trash removal. Getting stuff to goodwill or whatever. Moving remaining items I want to keep to a single 10x15 unit at our Halsey location, since it is unlikely to be sold because ESS owns the building.

What else. I need to move. Need to eliminate our bug problem. Need to purge the apartment too, hopefully in the process of moving to a better one. I have lived in this apartment longer than I have lived in any housing ever in my life. Over 8 years. Other than my marriage, Chloe has been my longest roommate. 

And I'm getting old. Everything hurts. I have bone spurs on my spine fer cryin out loud, and my kidneys are only operating at 17% efficiency according to my kidney doc. I'd like to get my RV and travel before I'm too old and sick to do it. Chloe wants to do a boat instead. I know a lot more about road trips on land than I do about boating.

But back to wish lists. I wish... I wish I made enough money at my job that I didn't need to stress over every purchase, that I had money when I needed something, that I could afford to hire movers to handle the heavy lifting (as well as most everything else, ugh).

I wish I could enjoy drinking just water. 

Overwhelmed.

 No more energy drinks. No more diet pepsi. No sweets. No carbs. No sodium. No booze. No cigarettes (that one I'm actually ok with. Not that I don't still want one from time to time, but I am happy to be free from the addiction). Ugh, what does that leave? What else am I too fat, too sick, and too old for? My body hates me and keeps breaking down on me. And cauliflower really isn't THAT good, people. Seriously.

So far getting older really SUCKS. I feel like all my joy in life is being sucked away. I need to find joy in new things, I guess. Any ideas? I'm trying so hard to find joy in drinking water, but it is almost impossible. Maybe I need to start smaller. 

And then there's the infestation, which is BEYOND overwhelming. Based on the blood smushes on my shirt, they were feasting on me as I slept. Eww. *shudder*  But getting rid of them is time consuming, expensive, and worst of all - not guranteed. At least we finally know where they came from. Small piece of mind. Upstairs neighbors had them, treated, and they all moved downstairs to be OUR problem. (Timing lines up). But Pat died (although he hasn't exactly left..that's another story), and Mike moved out, so the upstairs apartment is empty. So maybe we can send them back, ha ha.

I just want a do over. I want an apartment I'm comfortable in, with a kitchen I can actually use. And NO BUGS! NO RATS! I want a home workspace that isn't cramped and uncomfortable, so I can work from home. I want to eliminate my storage units. That involves having a big enough place to keep the things that I don't purge from the storage units. Lots of cupboards and closets, and ideally a garage. And I want to be healthy. Re-read that. Those are all the things that I don't have now. I know there are plenty of people who are worse off than I. I have a roof over my head (tho not sure for how long), I have clean drinking water. I have food. But I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to LIVE! Otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

Stupid kidneys!

 So my back surgery got canceled because of my kidneys. My kidneys are unhappy with my meds or something, so Dr Ragu told me to stop the losartan and spiro and I have to go see him tomorrow to figure out what next. I am fucking devastated. Granted, my recovery situation at home is not ideal, but I was already taken off the work schedule, and was looking forward to getting the surgery over with. Sorry, I'm going to go cry now...