It's times like this I wish I could talk to my sister...

 I mean, I could talk to Annie. Maybe I could even hear her, or at least hear what she might have said. But it's not the same. By times like this, of course, I mean the tragedy that is another Trump presidency. I'd advocate for assassination if JD Vance wasn't even worse. Truth is, the office of the president has a lot less power than Trump thinks it does, and the real ones to be scared of are the republicunt controlled House and Senate. This country is in the toilet and its getting ready to be flushed. What would Annie say? "Fuck the dumbshits" first, then maybe something about fighting the powers that be, like when she went and protested old growth logging in Pennsylvania or somewhere, which is why she had a record at the FBI. But maybe it would be older, more world weary Annie, and she'd say to just do the best you can for the people you love and fuck the rest. I wish I knew. And now I'm crying again.

This will be the third holiday season without her and it hurts just as much as the first. I never thought I would be in my 50s without Annie. I was in denial at how bad her health was. I thought we would be old crabby ladies together and now I have to do it on my own. Well, not totally alone, I have my mom for however long I have her, and I am trying hard to cherish every moment because I am NOT in denial about her lifespan. I mean sometimes I am, I know I will be a complete mess when its her time, but I'm not denying that it will happen, probably before me, although that's a whole other bag of worms.

I am in denial about my own eventual demise, even now as I am actively dying, being kept alive only by dialysis machines. When I die it will probably be more of a shock to me than to those I care about, lol. I don't want to die. There is still so much that I want to do in this life.

But for now I am focusing on whats in front of me: my family, my bestie, my kitties, and my own health. Holidays will be merry and bright, one way or another.

my bed is too comfortable

I mean, a bed should be comfortable, right? But mine is so comfy I don't want to leave it. Of course, if I stay too long it will become uncomfortable. So there's that. 

GAH! I am so overwhelmed..

 The moving process, my health, still grieving my sister, trying to sort out my feelings about Mark (We talked... as usual things are not as cut and dried as they seem), and well, mostly the moving. I feel like it is holding up the rest of LIFE. I just want to be done with the moving AND with the storage units... I can't afford more than 1, I need to condense...but mostly I want to be BUG FREE already. Can I please have my action montage scene now? Good grief. And this chest catheter...UGH. If I didn't have it I would already be nice and clean and showered...instead, I have to wait for Chloe to wake up so she can help me prep for the ordeal that is showering with a chest catheter. GRRR. Then again, it is noon..maybe I should wake her.

Well damn

 So much for "holding out for a hero" (ha ha), or biding my time, or anything. 

I did an FB search to see if Mark had unblocked me since his custody case was over. I found a profile with his name, and his face, saying he's been dating someone named Erica or something since Jan 2023. I thought he had grown up and believed in honesty, as he claimed. Fell for it again, 30 years later. I feel so stupid thinking we actually had something meaningful. So, I'm done. I have to remember to stop sending him rental homes since I now hope he stays in Eugene. I am done trying to navigate the world of dating. I'll be an old spinster, fuck it. I have my family, and my bestie, and the kitties. Who needs anything else, especially in my condition.  :(

We still haven't fully moved yet, partly because of critters, mostly because the furnace at the new place is leaking gas so we can't stay there until they have fixed it, which could be this week or next week. Pretty annoyed I'm paying so much rent on an apartment that I can't live in though. 

At least I get to go pick out some new furniture today, thanks to flex funds through Medicaid. I'm thinking for sure of a dresser, a couch, and maybe a desk...after that, I'm not sure yet. I'm hoping to find a kitchen/microwave cart at least. 

I need to get some bookcases out of storage, I think. If my mom didn't snag them :) I did tell her she could use what she wanted that I wasn't using though. I just have to see what bookcases are left. (Well, and completely condense my 10x15 and 10x10 into one unit, either a 10x10 or a 10x12 at Holladay, or a 10x15 at Halsey. At least my mom said she would help with those, possibly Noah&Chloe too. Summer project, I think.

Things are looking up for my SSI to get approved, I talked to someone with the Oregon Dept of Disabilities Determination. I could see money as soon as a week, but I am not holding my breath. And that's just part one, Part 2 will take longer apparently. In the meantime, I applied for unemployment since I am not unemployed due to any fault of my own. I'm just worried about the job search requirements. Not exactly in a position to just take any job. We'll see what happens when I have my in person at the employment dept.

My fistula is healing nicely, according to the nurses at the clinic. Looks kinda scary to me, but I will assume they know what they're talking about. Not super excited to get stuck with needles 3 times a week, but it will be better than this damn catheter in my chest. Cannot WAIT to get this damn thing out.

That's it for now, I have to go pick out furniture. :)

New year, new WTF

 So a lot has happened over the last month, we're talking life-changing shit here. I was admitted to the hospital on 12/29/23 with kidney failure and was in the hospital until 1/10/24. Yeah, spent new years in a hospital bed, but at least Chloe was with me and we shared some sparkling cider as we rang in the new year. New year, whole new life.

I now have hemodialysis 3 times a week at a clinic (eventually working up to home dialysis), I have even more things I'm not allowed to eat, and I have a chest catheter until I get my fistula installed in my arm. The chest catheter makes showering a huge ordeal, so I only do it about once a week. They (the hospital) gave me these wipes to use the rest of the time.

We are also moving from the apartment we have lived in for the last almost 9 years because it is unsafe, what with the rats and everything. Landlord showed up today all aggro and slammed his fist on our door which triggered Chloe and she let him have it (verbally, duh), basically unleashing ALL our frustrations with him, to him. No more Ms. nice guy. He has failed as a landlord and is trying to say we owe $15,000.00??? HELL to the no. HE was the one who dropped the ball on the pandemic relief, which would have paid 80% of our past due rent, and THAT is on HIM. He has refused to do anything about the rats. Or ANY other maintenance. He barely even takes care of the property, like routine stuff. Elizabeth is going to help us prep for any potential court case. Waiting to hear back from her now.

So we are moving to The Astoria, where my mom lives. Thanks to Colen, and the people who donated to the gofundme that my mom set up. Of course, we thought we had more time, but with the landlord showing up today, telling us to move, and Chloe telling him we were already in the process, the time is now to get shit done.

Of course, with all the kidney stuff now I am not allowed to get my back surgery so I have to just suffer in pain. Ugh. Meaning moving is gunna be a bitch if I can't find more help. But we do what we need to do,

Ok, you're updated. I got shit to do. 

Christmas Wish Lists

 Christmas wish lists have long been a tradition in my family. From marking up catalogs back in the analog days, to amazon lists in the digital age. I've always thought of giving my wish list as a "here are ideas if you're stumped" kind of thing rather than, "here's what I want please get it for me" kind of thing.

My mom had an idea, if I understood correctly, to make more of a "this is what I want from life" kind of list and then people can come up with their own ideas of how to help you reach those goals. For instance, I need to purge my storage units ASAP. What do I need to do that? Help, mostly. Trash removal. Getting stuff to goodwill or whatever. Moving remaining items I want to keep to a single 10x15 unit at our Halsey location, since it is unlikely to be sold because ESS owns the building.

What else. I need to move. Need to eliminate our bug problem. Need to purge the apartment too, hopefully in the process of moving to a better one. I have lived in this apartment longer than I have lived in any housing ever in my life. Over 8 years. Other than my marriage, Chloe has been my longest roommate. 

And I'm getting old. Everything hurts. I have bone spurs on my spine fer cryin out loud, and my kidneys are only operating at 17% efficiency according to my kidney doc. I'd like to get my RV and travel before I'm too old and sick to do it. Chloe wants to do a boat instead. I know a lot more about road trips on land than I do about boating.

But back to wish lists. I wish... I wish I made enough money at my job that I didn't need to stress over every purchase, that I had money when I needed something, that I could afford to hire movers to handle the heavy lifting (as well as most everything else, ugh).

I wish I could enjoy drinking just water. 

Overwhelmed.

 No more energy drinks. No more diet pepsi. No sweets. No carbs. No sodium. No booze. No cigarettes (that one I'm actually ok with. Not that I don't still want one from time to time, but I am happy to be free from the addiction). Ugh, what does that leave? What else am I too fat, too sick, and too old for? My body hates me and keeps breaking down on me. And cauliflower really isn't THAT good, people. Seriously.

So far getting older really SUCKS. I feel like all my joy in life is being sucked away. I need to find joy in new things, I guess. Any ideas? I'm trying so hard to find joy in drinking water, but it is almost impossible. Maybe I need to start smaller. 

And then there's the infestation, which is BEYOND overwhelming. Based on the blood smushes on my shirt, they were feasting on me as I slept. Eww. *shudder*  But getting rid of them is time consuming, expensive, and worst of all - not guranteed. At least we finally know where they came from. Small piece of mind. Upstairs neighbors had them, treated, and they all moved downstairs to be OUR problem. (Timing lines up). But Pat died (although he hasn't exactly left..that's another story), and Mike moved out, so the upstairs apartment is empty. So maybe we can send them back, ha ha.

I just want a do over. I want an apartment I'm comfortable in, with a kitchen I can actually use. And NO BUGS! NO RATS! I want a home workspace that isn't cramped and uncomfortable, so I can work from home. I want to eliminate my storage units. That involves having a big enough place to keep the things that I don't purge from the storage units. Lots of cupboards and closets, and ideally a garage. And I want to be healthy. Re-read that. Those are all the things that I don't have now. I know there are plenty of people who are worse off than I. I have a roof over my head (tho not sure for how long), I have clean drinking water. I have food. But I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to LIVE! Otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

Stupid kidneys!

 So my back surgery got canceled because of my kidneys. My kidneys are unhappy with my meds or something, so Dr Ragu told me to stop the losartan and spiro and I have to go see him tomorrow to figure out what next. I am fucking devastated. Granted, my recovery situation at home is not ideal, but I was already taken off the work schedule, and was looking forward to getting the surgery over with. Sorry, I'm going to go cry now...

Day... 60 I think?

 Two month anniversary of becoming a nonsmoker. It's really weird sometimes, but not as hard as I was expecting. Don't drink don't smoke whatcha do ya don't drink don't smoke..... Ah, Adam Ant. :)

I'm still getting used to being a nonsmoker. I don't really want cigarettes anymore, but sometimes, I don't know what to do with my hands, lol.

Back surgery is scheduled. November 9th. Missing a month's worth of work, but thanks to the recently passed Oregon Paid Leave bill, I will still have income while I am recovering. Sometime after that, I'm getting a defibrillator put in my chest. To prevent what happened to Annie from happening to me, since we had/have HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) aka heart wall thickening. Mine apparently is milder than Colen or Annies though. My mom is very confused. We (Me, Colen, Annie, and Noah) all have different dads, so since its a genetic disease, it had to come from mom's side. But she's never had anything remotely similar to HCM. Weird. I said maybe gramma or grandpa had it and it skipped a generation? She doesn't think they did though. Super weird. At least so far, Noah has no sign of having it. 

So thankful, again, to Colen for my laptop when I'm stuck in bed after surgery. As soon as I am able though, I will be back at my desktop, because it's the one I am most comfortable with. (And thanks again to Colen, for my desktop computer. :) ) 

Actually looking forward to being able to walk again. I kinda miss walking the halls at work doing lock check. Well, I miss being able to move well, period. I'm going to have to watch what I eat while I am fully sedentary though. Healthy stuff only. Gah, I'm going to have to overhaul the kitchen before surgery.

Anyway. Just thought I would check in.

Day...35?

 I did it, I actually quit. I am a nonsmoker once more, hopefully, this time for good. The third time's the charm, right? Of course, shortly before hitting day 30, I got covid again. Worse this time than last, and I missed a whole week's worth of work. :(  I think if we are still required to isolate for 5 days, we should still get covid pay, dammit. I can't afford this shit. Tested negative last night, need to do a whole bunch of shit today before I go back to work tomorrow, but all I wanna do is cuddle up with the kitties and go back to bed. 

Augh, enough procrasti-writing, I better get to it.

But yay! Nonsmoker!

DAY ONE.

 So I have not had ANY nicotine today. That is not to say that I haven't smoked, lol. I found these honey mint herbal cigarettes on Amazon, and it's like quitting smoking without actually quitting... but no nicotine, so no problem lol. Basically, I plan to use the herbal cigs to get through the nicotine cravings, then once the nicotine is all out of my system, then I'll quit the herbal ones too, which should be easy without the nicotine addiction part. We will see how it goes. They're actually cheaper than my regular cigs too. $14.98 for 2 packs. My Marbs were like $18 for 2 packs. And next-day delivery, too! :) So as long as I do not have any nicotine for 30 days, I should be able to be scheduled for my back surgery. So after Sept. 19th. 

Of course, nicotine isn't the only issue to consider. The apartment situation. I need to have a safe space to recuperate after surgery. The money situation. How can I afford to take time off work? Ugh. How did Annie do it? A boyfriend who took care of her, and worked and paid bills. Plus 2 kids, so a good amount of food stamps. Chloe can't take care of me, she has her own health issues to deal with. I mean, she would do her best, I know. But I hate putting that on her.

Sometimes I regret not having children. Not often. But sometimes. Especially as I get older.

I need to go to bed. Onward to day 2 of no nicotine!