Well that didn't last long...

 I got to work a whole week and a half(?) at Party City before they let me go. Jared said that they weren't making enough revenue due to COVID and now the wildfires to be able to afford me. I should have just gone back to Spirit. :(  And, that makes the third job in, what, 5 years? that let me go because they couldn't afford me. I don't know wtf I'm going to do. Hopefully my taxes will show up soon, but it has officially been "six weeks after Aug 1st" and still nothing. 

I wish I had enough money and enough job contacts, and enough confidence in my writing, to just get my RV Life on the road already. I am so completely fed up with the job market. And with working jobs I dislike just so I can have a paycheck. Not that I disliked Party City. Jared was great, most of my coworkers were awesome, but it was a lot more physical than I anticipated. I was beginning to get used to it though when they cut me loose. I feel like I'm doomed to be out of shape, miserable, and broke forever.

NOT the attitude I want to have. I keep looking for that, "Fuck this! I can do anything I set my mind to! Fuck diabetes! I'll reverse it! Fuck being fat! I'll lose 70 pounds! I've got a great voice! Let's get those voice jobs! Oh hey, here's my first audiobook!" and I can't seem to locate it again. 

By the way, here's a link to the audiobook.

https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Ghost-Diary-Audiobook/B08BPHFYFP?qid=1600214748&sr=1-6&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_6&pf_rd_p=e81b7c27-6880-467a-b5a7-13cef5d729fe&pf_rd_r=JTZ64J9HNNXRS8GVTB9G

Currently on hold with the IRS for...47 minutes. I need that damn money.

Normal? What's that?

 So doc has cleared me to return to work. I go back to Party City the week of August 31st. Jared is going to email me the schedule when he's written it.

Ugh. I'm not ready. But I can't live on $294/wk from unemployment (dammit why didn't I save more?!), so I need the money. Also still no stimulus or tax returns, but Lenny (who works at the IRS) said I should see it 6 weeks from August 1st, so about the middle of September. My stupid jeans don't fit anymore because of the quarantine weight gain, thankfully I think I still have my black pants from when I worked at Freddy's, hopefully they still fit. :P 

So life will be getting back to somewhat normal I guess, whatever the hell normal is. I just gotta focus on my goals: save money to get an RV. Keep working on my writing and voice over stuff, maybe look into being a freelance virtual assistant, whatever can make me money on the road. Not that I will be even hitting the road until this virus is fully contained. Start working on downsizing, getting rid of shit. Maintain the car. Hopefully I will get my new title and tags soon. And money back from the DMV, because I'm pretty sure I overpaid them. 

Now that Dr Polo gave me the all clear, I need to make an appointment with Dr Urbanc, because she said we would be tackling my weight gain next. Also, hopefully, my blood sugars, because they've been running higher than normal since she changed my meds. Also quitting smoking. Ugh, and a colonoscopy next week. Can't wait to be done with THAT. Getting old sucks.

Going to watch the Democratic National Convention tonight and try not to barf. 4 days til Lucifer season 5 though, yay! Something better to watch soon. 

I really wanted this to be a better update, I'm just not feeling it right now. Peace out, bitches!

So tired of the world.

First, health update. Recovery going well, scabs over incisions are almost gone, but had a bit of a bladder scare. During the surgery, doc found some red splotches on my bladder, took pics and sent them to primary doc. She sent me to a urologist who shoved a camera up my urethra (not as terrifying as it sounds, thankfully), and no more red splotches. BUT, still have trace amounts of blood and protein in my urine, so I had a ct uroscopy (urogram? Like an mri) on Weds. Still waiting on results. Hopefully Dr Urbanc will call me tomorrow. Anyway, still tired after errands, but getting better. Still can't swim or take a bubble bath, but hopefully soon. Have another post op on Aug 14th.

The world. Ugh. Tired of covid. Tired of racial injustice. Tired of Trump and his cronies. Thought about escaping.. but no where to escape to. Americans aren't allowed to leave the country because Trump mishandled this pandemic so badly. Just trying to hang on for change, hopefully change for the better. Despite the Effexor, the depression is difficult. And because of the Effexor (and surgery recovery) can't even masturbate to escape mentally for a little while. Keep wanting to scream, I do not belong in this timeline!!!

Someone make it better. Please.

SUCCESS!

DISCLAIMER: Potential TMI ahead:



So I got my blood pressure low enough to have surgery on the first. NO MORE BLEEDING! Not a drop since the surgery. It amazes me HOW MUCH that did for my mental health. I haven't updated until now because I've been recovering. Laparoscopic hysterectomy surgery is no joke, it's considered major surgery, and I've never had major surgery before. I started with a Dilaudid in the morning and then one before bed (for a couple days) then went to just one before bed, and now I don't take them at all (last one was last Friday). I'm not in pain (well except a little when I sneeze or cough too hard), the biggest after effect right now is that I get tired reeeeeally easily, but even that is getting better. And it's only been 12 days. Recovery time is estimated for 4-6 weeks. I have my post-op appointment tomorrow to evaluate my recovery progress and for recommendations going forward. I still can't lift anything (over 10lbs anyway) and probably can't go swimming for a little while yet, but overall I think I'm doing really well. I can drive again, so I'll be driving myself to my appointment. SO EXCITED to see what the doc has to say. My only concerns really are 1. my bladder has been a bit shy. I mean, I pee, but its more of a long trickle than a short burst. 2. I am back to being regular as far as poops, but I kinda get scared whenever I have to go like I'm going to mess something up in my insides if I strain too hard. Hopefully, the doc can address these issues and reassure me.
Dr. Oscar Polo has been amazing, I highly recommend him. Oregon Clinic Gynecological, inside Providence Medical Building. He is very kind and patient and explains everything very well.
The hardest part of my recovery is staying in bed doing nothing. I mean, wth, it's a pandemic, the only difference is I'm in bed instead of at my desk, why is it so hard? Maybe Quarantine fatigue + recovery makes it harder. As I'm feeling better, I wanna go DO STUFF, but...pandemic. Bleh. So I settle for running errands in my immediate neighborhood (groceries, dispensary, Plaid) when I need to get out of the house.
Ok, well, it's shower day, I should get going. My first shower after getting out of the hospital wore me out SO MUCH I had to lie down after. Subsequent showers have been much better.
But I haven't been able to do laundry because I can't lift the laundry basket. Chloe has been super helpful in a lot of ways, but unfortunately, that's not one of them. :(  Ah well. Soon I hope.

So, some bad news...

When I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Polo, my blood pressure was 190/110. WTH?? My normal is like 117/75. Suddenly it's skyrocketed? Had an appointment with Dr. Urbanc, she said until my blood pressure is under control, we will have to put off the surgery. I burst into tears. I hate this bleeding everyday bullshit. She said, better that than having a heart attack on the operating table. Well, I couldn't argue with that. So I set out to find the culprit. Turns out my Meat Lovers breakfast bowls have over 1000mg of sodium!!! Wtf! And I was eating those almost every day! A little internet research made me realize that the ramped-up alcohol consumption in quarantine is also a contributor. And of course, the ever-present stress. So first, I stopped drinking. Easy enough. The next step was eliminating as much sodium as possible. No more breakfast bowls, back to making my breakfast burritos from scratch. Also, Dr. Urbanc added a 2nd blood pressure med and increased my levothyroxine slightly. Then my mom recommended beetroot and potassium supplements. Managed to find those at Freddy's. Check. She also recommended Ginger Root supplements (got them, haven't taken them yet), and turmeric supplements (the beetroot and turmeric were both hella expensive so I just got the beetroot one).
So it seems its already starting to work. My blood pressure this morning (I've been checking it twice a day) was 140/93. Still too high yet, but DEFINITELY better. Fingers crossed it's back to normal by Tuesday. Not sure if that means I can still get surgery on the first or not. Dr. Urbanc seemed to think not, but they haven't pulled it off the schedule the last time I checked. I guess we'll see. I'll have more info Tuesday. In the meantime, continue to work on getting the BP down.
Oh yeah, here's my low carb/low sodium dinner I made the other night: Chicken breast seasoned only with garlic powder and pepper, broccoli seasoned only with unsalted melted butter, and jasmine rice with mayo instead of soy sauce:

It was a little bland, but not too bad. I'm making coconut curry stir fry tonight. I wanted to do a different one, but that one had a sodium count of 210 while all the others were 460 or above. 😕
I will try to remember to update after my doc appointments on Tuesday.

Upcoming surgery...

So July 1st I am having a total laparoscopic hysterectomy (well, not *total* total, they are taking the uterus and fallopian tubes but leaving the ovaries.). Recovery time is 4-6 weeks. Already talked to my manager at Party City, he agreed not to call me back to work before I was recovered. I'm just going to be SO HAPPY when it's all over. I have been bleeding to one degree or another since April 22nd, and I am OVER IT. Today is a good day, almost like it stopped, but I no longer trust my reproductive system. My doctor managed to get OHP to waive the nicotine test requirement (THANK GOD... I mean, I know I need to quit, I'm just not there mentally yet), so I don't have to have the stress of trying to quit on top of the stress of having an organ removed from my body (the uterus is an organ, right? Or is it some other designation? Hmm. I'll have to google.) I find myself getting anxious about it, but then I remember my lumpectomy, what, 6? years ago? and how it went pretty well (except the part where I woke up to my left boob being WAY SMALLER than I was expecting). I wonder if removing my uterus will help with the belly pooch I can never seem to get rid of? Dr. Pollo said I had an "oversized uterus", so maybe it being gone will help. All I know is NO MORE PERIODS, HUZZZAH!!! Pre-op appointment is June 19th, I should know more by then. I wrote up a list of questions to ask so that I go into the procedure well-informed.

In other news, geez, so much other news in the world I don't know where to even start. For now, how about BLACK LIVES MATTER, COPS ARE ASSHOLES, WE NEED CHANGE NOW, and BERNIE WOULD HAVE WON.

More later on those if I feel up to it.

Let me share a few stories about my dealings with police officers.

In 1974, my stepfather was pulled over for running a red light in LA. We lived in Lake Isabella and went into LA once a week to do laundry, grocery shopping, and I, being 4, got candy that was supposed to last the week. We were "long haired hippies" so the cops handcuffed all the adults and threw them in the squad car, threw our clean laundry all over the freeway, and went through my candy piece by piece, presumably looking for drugs. I was held with my hands behind my back outside the squad car. I was crying for my mom. I was terrified. The memory is burned into my mind, even 46 years later. When they found no drugs, they let us go. We had to pick up our laundry off the road, I cried over my destroyed candy, it was fucking ridiculous.
1987, Kailua-Kona Hawaii. I was babysitting for my boyfriend's sister in law, who had a newborn. While she was still out with friends, her husband, my boyfriend's brother, came home shitfaced drunk. He wanted to take his new baby out and show her off. I refused. I said no way was he getting near the baby when he was so drunk. He proceeded to beat the crap out of me *while I was holding the baby* to the point I saw stars for the first time in my life. I called the cops. Small town. Cop managed to convince me to not press charges because "this is a family matter". I regret that every day of my life.
If you ever want to know why I don't trust cops (other than reading the news fucking DAILY), now you know why. Fuck the police.

I got a freakin car!!

I purchased a 2000 Toyota Corolla today. $300 less than asking price. 166k miles. Everything looks legit. Got insurance. I own it, no payments or financing. SO FREAKING HAPPY. Not just because of the car, but because if I can do this, I can get my RV. It's.a.step. Just saying. Making shit happen. HELLFUCKINGYES!!!!

need.car.

Ok, it's time. I need a car. What I am looking for: RELIABLE (don't care much about looks, I want something I'm not always having to FIX). 2001-2005 (or later) Toyota Camry under $2000, under 150000 miles. Everything working, inc heat, AC, stereo (just radio is fine, bonus points for CD or aux input), windows, doors; good tags (DMV not open, so..), clean title. Bonus points: sun or moon roof. It can be auto or manual, I can drive both. Must have decent tires!!

Am I asking for too much? I hope not.

Would like to purchase ASAP, or at least before I have to go back to work so I don't have to take public transportation.

United States of Tara

In some ways, I can really relate to Tara's multiple personalities. Drunk me is totally different than sober me. But. I am still in control, mostly. Like., drunk me is like fuck this shit gimme another drink. But sober me is like seriously, calm the fuck down, I'm good. Sometimes sober me wins. Other times, drunk me wins and I wake up with a massive hangover. Chloe hates drunk me. But sometimes drunk me is fun, and funny. Other times drunk me is sloppy and stupid.  She'd rather I be stoned than drunk. But stoned hurts my lungs. Whatever. I kind of feel like the end result of United States of Tara will help me somehow. Idk the cuz its bedtime. Next ep is season 3 ep 6... halfway thru the last season. We'll see.

Still no stimulus...

...and still no tax return. I found a copy of my 2018 W2, so I finally got those mailed off, but who knows when I will see that one either. The check my refund button on the IRS website just says "still processing" on my 2019 return, and I imagine I won't see the stimulus until after my tax return is processed. At least I was able to figure out that I *did* give them my direct deposit info (for my Chime card), so at least I won't have to wait additional time for a paper check. But still. It's frustrating. And in the news, it appears that I will probably have to go back to work in a month or so. No confirmation on that for sure, just my best guess with the information provided.

I finished Grimm a few days ago, and I find myself missing that fictional world. Too bad it ended at season 6. It was so much better than I originally thought. I am REALLY wishing season 5 of Lucifer would hurry up and drop, I can only rewatch the whole series so many times...At least some of my CW shows are still airing episodes. Those will run out soon too, I'm sure.

Mostly I am just so bored... bored with food choices, entertainment choices, activity options...I guess cabin fever is finally setting in. Even things that I would otherwise be all for just seem...meh. One thing recently did excite me tho... they revealed the lineup for Drag Race All Stars 5. It looks like it will be awesome! I skipped season 12 of Drag Race because I just couldn't get enthused about it (although I did watch Snatch Game on YouTube).

It's a beautiful day out...Sunny, 81 degrees...and I've been inside all day. Meh. In a world not shuttered by a pandemic, I would have found a way to the river by now. Or at least that's what I tell myself. I didn't do much more than work last summer, so, there's that.

Omg Under Pressure by David Bowie just came on my Spotify playlist and all I can think of is when they sang the song on The Magicians... it was SO GOOD. And Chloe keeps procrastinating us watching the rest of season 5 because it's the last one. I understand, but damn I really want to see it!

Ok, that's it for me for now. Hopefully I'll remember to update again sooner rather than later.