DAY ONE.

 So I have not had ANY nicotine today. That is not to say that I haven't smoked, lol. I found these honey mint herbal cigarettes on Amazon, and it's like quitting smoking without actually quitting... but no nicotine, so no problem lol. Basically, I plan to use the herbal cigs to get through the nicotine cravings, then once the nicotine is all out of my system, then I'll quit the herbal ones too, which should be easy without the nicotine addiction part. We will see how it goes. They're actually cheaper than my regular cigs too. $14.98 for 2 packs. My Marbs were like $18 for 2 packs. And next-day delivery, too! :) So as long as I do not have any nicotine for 30 days, I should be able to be scheduled for my back surgery. So after Sept. 19th. 

Of course, nicotine isn't the only issue to consider. The apartment situation. I need to have a safe space to recuperate after surgery. The money situation. How can I afford to take time off work? Ugh. How did Annie do it? A boyfriend who took care of her, and worked and paid bills. Plus 2 kids, so a good amount of food stamps. Chloe can't take care of me, she has her own health issues to deal with. I mean, she would do her best, I know. But I hate putting that on her.

Sometimes I regret not having children. Not often. But sometimes. Especially as I get older.

I need to go to bed. Onward to day 2 of no nicotine!

Good grief

 I really suck at this. Where to begin.

To touch on a few previously mentioned points...

Yes, I have the same heart condition Annie did, but to a much lesser degree. Something to keep an eye on. I have saw Dr. Ravi, who was Annie's heart doctor. He didn't seem super concerned, but we have planned check ins about every 6 months or so.

In addition, like Annie, I now need back surgery. And possibly neck, I have an MRI for that on Thursday. Apparently, my spine is trying to crush my sciatic nerve or something. And it wasn't my previous arm break that is making my left shoulder go numb from time to time, it's my neck. In the meantime, physical therapy. Which I suck at remembering to do when I'm not at the physical therapy office. And I'm on desk duty at work. Well, at least they haven't fired me. I don't think they can for that, right? On the plus side, handicap placard for parking. Genuinely needed though, as I can't walk very far without being in excruciating pain.

And then there's the kidney thing. Not quite sure what is going on there yet, just that I am excreting excessive amounts of protein. I have a follow up with the kidney doc on the 24th.

I have 2 teeth that need root canals and crowns, to the tune of almost $5000. Not covered by insurance. WHAT THE FUCK. Why won't they cover it? TEETH AND EYES ARE NOT LUXURY ITEMS YOU FUCKING WHORES. They would cover having them removed. But if they were removed, I would have no teeth to chew with. On the plus side, the dentist said other than those two teeth, everything else looked good. Small comfort.

We still need to purge the living room. The whole apartment, really. And exterminate.

On that note, new news: The landlord is selling our apartment building. What that means for us remains to be seen. It depends on what the new owners decide to do with the building. The Morris' real estate agent, Mick, is pretty cool though. Apparently, Mike (directly above me) and I are the only ones that have returned his calls. SO, possibilities. 1. They leave everything just as it is (unlikely, considering how cheap our rent is, they will probably 2. bring it more in line with the neighborhood, so jacking it up a few hundred dollars per month.). Or 3. they may decide to just tear it down and build something new. I'm hoping for #1 or #3. If they tear it down, they have to cut all the tenants checks to find new housing. Which... I'm not sure how that would work considering how far behind Chloe, and I are. On the books anyway, because if Tim had applied for that landlord pandemic assistance like he said he was going to (and that I did most of the legwork FOR HIM...), we wouldn't owe a fraction of what we do.

So, who knows, Chloe, Dory, Willow, and I may end up homeless. I really hope not though.

That's pretty much it. You're caught up on me. Health problems, money issues, housing issues. 

I did quit drinking though. So there's that. Now I just need to quit smoking for at least 30 days so I can have back surgery and not be in pain anymore. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Snowpacalypse 2023

Forecasters said we might get a "dusting". Instead, we got the 2nd biggest snowstorm since they started recording in 1939. 10.8 inches Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I was at work, alone, when it started. I wound up having to leave my car there or risk having to leave it on the side of the road somewhere when I got stuck. John (my neighbor) came and picked me up. He also took me to work Friday morning, because due to freezing temperatures, the snow wasn't going anywhere. And picked me up after work. Saturday morning, my only option was to walk. I woke up at 6am, but my back was in excruciating pain. I laid down to do some stretches, after texting my boss that I wasn't sure if I would make it. Next thing I knew it was 12pm. I eventually came to the conclusion that besides my pain, I just really needed a day off. It will hurt the paycheck but has done wonders for my mental health.

BUT... the snow is not done with us. More to come in about 2 hours. Thank god I'm off tomorrow. But... I need to do the laundry. I'm dangerously close to running out of food and I don't get paid until Thursday. I am so sick of barely scraping by. Do I need to find a new job? I like my job, it's just kinda painful at times. I do miss working from home at my computer. But when I was doing that, I missed ftf interactions with my customers. 

Sooo... I'm drinking. Even though I said I was done. Because fuck it. I have booze in the house, Chloe is at Rob's for the night. And, well, sometimes it helps me think. And if I drink it, then it will be gone, and I'll be done, for good. Seriously, so over it. Tonight is grand, I'm feeling great, but tomorrow will suck. And I am so sick of that. So I'm done. As of tomorrow. 

Hopefully the snow will be over and done soon and spring will begin. I need to move somewhere with better weather. Or just get my RV and chase the better weather all year round. Someday.

Did I say *before* February??

 ...I must have meant before the END of February, lol. :)

My birthday was great. On the 12th my mom and I went out and got haircuts and had lunch at Applebee's. She also gave me an Amazon gift card and a giant squishmallow :) On the 13th I had to work a couple hours and then went home to shower and change. Chloe was all, oh hey Christina wanted you to come over for a drink before we went out...We got there and it was a surprise party :) I kinda had a feeling, but it was still a fun surprise. We mostly hung out, drank, ate snacks, and then we broke out the karaoke machine for a bit. I didn't go as hard as new years, but I did need a full day to recover, lol. I think I'm done, done. Drinking is no longer fun. Well, at least the recovery isn't. I'm over it.

The big project now is dealing with the apartment. Deep purge and clean and exterminate. I worked on the kitchen today. Last night after work I cleaned out my car and under my desk. I'm exhausted. This is gonna have to be in small chunks over time. Also working on getting rental assistance to get the landlord paid so we can go after him for his neglect of maintenance issues. 

Watched the first episode of season 3 of Picard the other night, plus all the little extras. I have a very long essay about Star Trek in me somewhere, but not quite ready to put it down in words yet. Maybe that will be my breakout article to kick off my writing career. 

Later:

Snowstorm. I swear, whenever the weatherman says "a light dusting" we get a snowstorm and vice versa. The city is a mess. It seems no one was prepared for the near blizzard we got. It's still coming down, supposed to keep snowing until about 6am. I had to leave my car at work. Hopefully, it's still there when I get back. At least it's on camera. John (neighbor) came and rescued me in his big truck. Getting into it was comical, lol. I just don't have the acrobatic skills that I used to. But I finally got in, and got home. Then Chloe made me chicken noodle soup for dinner. :) 

I guess I will wrap this up for now. I really will try to write more often. But once again, don't hold me to it. :P

And a new year begins...

 Xmas was nice, went to Colen's first, had Indian food for Xmas eve, then over to Noah's the next day, where he made us brunch and dinner and we did stockings and presents. Me, my mom, Kamal, Colen, Noah and Chloe, Lily, and Daisy. We all felt the absence of Annie, and the holiday felt kind of subdued.

Still no word from Mark. I still send him rental listings in Portland pretty much daily and sent him a selfie all dressed up on Xmas day. Nothing. But I guess waiting is easy when I don't exactly have suitors busting down my door. I just miss what we had for those short couple of months and want it back. Maybe by March? Or a surprise for my birthday in February? Fingers crossed.

New Year's Eve was short-lived, lol. I made my rum pudding tarts and bloody drunken dogs. Took those as well as my karaoke machine (Xmas gift from Noah and Chloe) and Cards Against Humanity set over to Christina's. I haven't been drinking at all lately and went too hard, too fast, and wound up home in bed passed out by 11pm. Slept most of New Year's Day. 

Now I have showered, done dishes, and talked to mom for a bit, and the only other thing on my agenda today is getting laundry done.

But things I need to get done soon: figure out how to get my driver's license reinstated WITHOUT doing that damn interlock device, ugh. Get car insurance and DEQ check so I can renew my car registration (all of which require $$). Get an oil change. Get new tires. More $$. 

GET THE DAMN LIVING ROOM DEALT WITH. Hopefully, Chloe will still be able to get the exterminators through OHSU, despite how long it has been. Get help getting rent caught up so I can go after the landlord for the rat issue. Get Chloe food stamps (the application is in, just waiting on them..).

In happier news, I should have a raise coming soon. When and how much, I have no clue. 

OMG, this entry is really boring. Sorry I have no philosophical insights or words of wisdom today. More like just trying to get all the stuff in my brain sorted out. Hopefully I'll have a more interesting entry before, say, February. :)

Almost Christmas already? Where does the time go...

 Ok, so it's not even December yet... but my prospects for present buying at this point are next to nil. Life is so damn expensive. And yes, Chloe could be helping more. But she is trying. She did 2 markets over the weekend and made some money, but I'm sure not as much as she had hoped. 

Still no word from Mark. Intrusive thoughts say he was just playing, everything I saw and felt was in my imagination, I went overboard, but dammit, it felt SO real. I don't get it. So I wait. In the hopes that it wasn't just my imagination. Not like I am putting my life on hold or anything. Just holding a place for him. Just in case. Missing him is a daily ache I deal with. 

Passed my 2-year mark at Extra Space in silence, with no kudos from my coworkers or boss or anything. Just an internal satisfaction that I made it another year, the disappointment that I still haven't been promoted, the uncertainty that I even want to be. I want to be working for myself, writing and doing voice work, but I can't seem to be a very motivational boss to myself lol. I save pins on Pinterest, but I never manage to take the action needed to make them happen.

I think it's partly my environment. This apartment...omg we need to get the exterminators in here so bad, but after working so much, neither Chloe nor I have the motivation to do the prep work necessary. Cleaning is the last thing we want to do when we are exhausted, physically and mentally. But it is SO badly needed. Not just for us, but for our furbabies, too.

Made it through the first holiday without Annie. I feel like she was there, at least part of the time, grumpy that I didn't make double-layer pumpkin cheesecake, but I think she would have liked my cranberry fluff. She was probably with us and also with her kids in Glide. Carol and Marty were there, and Chloe, although Chloe had to leave a little early to get ready for her market. All in all, a very good feast. And I got texts back from both of my brothers, which was nice. Christmas will be with them, Colen's on Xmas eve, and Noah's new place on Xmas day. Mom is renting an SUV, and we are going up with her, Kamal, and the kids. 

Regardless, I am taking Annie's birthday off. It's a Wednesday, so I will also have the day after off. I just need to sit down and allow myself to feel the grief that I have pushed down under the surface and get through it. If that's even possible. Maybe do a healing spell? At least meditate.

In the interest of trying to get back into writing, I really am going to try and write more often. Call it a pre-new years resolution. :) But, as usual, don't hold me to it, ok? :)

I'm trying not to care so much

He said he missed me. But he hasn't said he loves me in so long. I can feel the the walls around my heart starting to go up, but I don't want them to. I'm starting to believe I'll be alone forever.

I really thought... I guess it doesn't matter. What is meant to be, will be. I thought he'd at least make an effort to let me know he still wants us. 

My heart breaks every day that I don't hear from him.

It hurts so much. It hurts to think I wasn't worth it. That I'm not enough to fight for. 

I haven't given up. But I get closer, every day of silence.

Chloe thinks I'm an idiot

I think she's more mad about Mark's radio silence than I am. She thinks I should write him off and move on. But I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the more time that goes by without communication, the more I wonder if I'm just being played. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do at this point.

Heartbreak

Getting through each day without hearing from him is so hard. I want to cry all the time. My heart feels like lead, sitting in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying. I really am. I just keep trying to figure out what i did wrong. I mean, yeah, he could have cut off all communication because he is paranoid that even talking to me would jeopardize his custody case. But if that's true, why can't he at least have one last conversation with me to tell me that? Not last, last. Just last until he's won. Then we can start again. I'm really hoping that's all it is. The morbid side of my brain wonders if this was all a huge revenge plot because of what happened 27 years ago... but he's not that guy anymore. At least, I don't believe he is. 

This is so hard. I'm not giving up. But damn it hurts.

Heartbroken

Well that was rather short-lived. I thought I'd finally found my soulmate. And then he ghosted me. Just like Shane did. I am so frustrated. I no longer trust my instincts. I no longer trust my heart. I am so just, DONE. I cry myself to sleep. Not because he has other shit to deal with right now, I can accept that. But TOTAL LACK OF COMMUNICATION? Complete radio silence? So disrespectful! I can't. It hurts. I stupidly hold out hope. Hope that my gut was right about him being the one. Hope that we will get through this. But it hurts.

Annie was...

 ...well, let's face it, Annie was a huge pain in my ass for a lot of her life. As a child, she wanted my attention way too much. I was in my teens, my early twenties, and Annie was just...too much. Hyperactive, annoying as hell...always right, never wrong...I am SO grateful that for the last couple of years, we were actually friends. Annie was an amazing human. She cared so much for others. She was the most giving, most phenomenal woman I have ever known. And she was strong. Our mom raised us to be strong women, and I feel Annie excelled at that. 

I will miss her until we are together again.

I can't believe she's gone. 

I have no more words.