And a new year begins...

 Xmas was nice, went to Colen's first, had Indian food for Xmas eve, then over to Noah's the next day, where he made us brunch and dinner and we did stockings and presents. Me, my mom, Kamal, Colen, Noah and Chloe, Lily, and Daisy. We all felt the absence of Annie, and the holiday felt kind of subdued.

Still no word from Mark. I still send him rental listings in Portland pretty much daily and sent him a selfie all dressed up on Xmas day. Nothing. But I guess waiting is easy when I don't exactly have suitors busting down my door. I just miss what we had for those short couple of months and want it back. Maybe by March? Or a surprise for my birthday in February? Fingers crossed.

New Year's Eve was short-lived, lol. I made my rum pudding tarts and bloody drunken dogs. Took those as well as my karaoke machine (Xmas gift from Noah and Chloe) and Cards Against Humanity set over to Christina's. I haven't been drinking at all lately and went too hard, too fast, and wound up home in bed passed out by 11pm. Slept most of New Year's Day. 

Now I have showered, done dishes, and talked to mom for a bit, and the only other thing on my agenda today is getting laundry done.

But things I need to get done soon: figure out how to get my driver's license reinstated WITHOUT doing that damn interlock device, ugh. Get car insurance and DEQ check so I can renew my car registration (all of which require $$). Get an oil change. Get new tires. More $$. 

GET THE DAMN LIVING ROOM DEALT WITH. Hopefully, Chloe will still be able to get the exterminators through OHSU, despite how long it has been. Get help getting rent caught up so I can go after the landlord for the rat issue. Get Chloe food stamps (the application is in, just waiting on them..).

In happier news, I should have a raise coming soon. When and how much, I have no clue. 

OMG, this entry is really boring. Sorry I have no philosophical insights or words of wisdom today. More like just trying to get all the stuff in my brain sorted out. Hopefully I'll have a more interesting entry before, say, February. :)

Almost Christmas already? Where does the time go...

 Ok, so it's not even December yet... but my prospects for present buying at this point are next to nil. Life is so damn expensive. And yes, Chloe could be helping more. But she is trying. She did 2 markets over the weekend and made some money, but I'm sure not as much as she had hoped. 

Still no word from Mark. Intrusive thoughts say he was just playing, everything I saw and felt was in my imagination, I went overboard, but dammit, it felt SO real. I don't get it. So I wait. In the hopes that it wasn't just my imagination. Not like I am putting my life on hold or anything. Just holding a place for him. Just in case. Missing him is a daily ache I deal with. 

Passed my 2-year mark at Extra Space in silence, with no kudos from my coworkers or boss or anything. Just an internal satisfaction that I made it another year, the disappointment that I still haven't been promoted, the uncertainty that I even want to be. I want to be working for myself, writing and doing voice work, but I can't seem to be a very motivational boss to myself lol. I save pins on Pinterest, but I never manage to take the action needed to make them happen.

I think it's partly my environment. This apartment...omg we need to get the exterminators in here so bad, but after working so much, neither Chloe nor I have the motivation to do the prep work necessary. Cleaning is the last thing we want to do when we are exhausted, physically and mentally. But it is SO badly needed. Not just for us, but for our furbabies, too.

Made it through the first holiday without Annie. I feel like she was there, at least part of the time, grumpy that I didn't make double-layer pumpkin cheesecake, but I think she would have liked my cranberry fluff. She was probably with us and also with her kids in Glide. Carol and Marty were there, and Chloe, although Chloe had to leave a little early to get ready for her market. All in all, a very good feast. And I got texts back from both of my brothers, which was nice. Christmas will be with them, Colen's on Xmas eve, and Noah's new place on Xmas day. Mom is renting an SUV, and we are going up with her, Kamal, and the kids. 

Regardless, I am taking Annie's birthday off. It's a Wednesday, so I will also have the day after off. I just need to sit down and allow myself to feel the grief that I have pushed down under the surface and get through it. If that's even possible. Maybe do a healing spell? At least meditate.

In the interest of trying to get back into writing, I really am going to try and write more often. Call it a pre-new years resolution. :) But, as usual, don't hold me to it, ok? :)

I'm trying not to care so much

He said he missed me. But he hasn't said he loves me in so long. I can feel the the walls around my heart starting to go up, but I don't want them to. I'm starting to believe I'll be alone forever.

I really thought... I guess it doesn't matter. What is meant to be, will be. I thought he'd at least make an effort to let me know he still wants us. 

My heart breaks every day that I don't hear from him.

It hurts so much. It hurts to think I wasn't worth it. That I'm not enough to fight for. 

I haven't given up. But I get closer, every day of silence.

Chloe thinks I'm an idiot

I think she's more mad about Mark's radio silence than I am. She thinks I should write him off and move on. But I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the more time that goes by without communication, the more I wonder if I'm just being played. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do at this point.

Heartbreak

Getting through each day without hearing from him is so hard. I want to cry all the time. My heart feels like lead, sitting in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying. I really am. I just keep trying to figure out what i did wrong. I mean, yeah, he could have cut off all communication because he is paranoid that even talking to me would jeopardize his custody case. But if that's true, why can't he at least have one last conversation with me to tell me that? Not last, last. Just last until he's won. Then we can start again. I'm really hoping that's all it is. The morbid side of my brain wonders if this was all a huge revenge plot because of what happened 27 years ago... but he's not that guy anymore. At least, I don't believe he is. 

This is so hard. I'm not giving up. But damn it hurts.

Heartbroken

Well that was rather short-lived. I thought I'd finally found my soulmate. And then he ghosted me. Just like Shane did. I am so frustrated. I no longer trust my instincts. I no longer trust my heart. I am so just, DONE. I cry myself to sleep. Not because he has other shit to deal with right now, I can accept that. But TOTAL LACK OF COMMUNICATION? Complete radio silence? So disrespectful! I can't. It hurts. I stupidly hold out hope. Hope that my gut was right about him being the one. Hope that we will get through this. But it hurts.

Annie was...

 ...well, let's face it, Annie was a huge pain in my ass for a lot of her life. As a child, she wanted my attention way too much. I was in my teens, my early twenties, and Annie was just...too much. Hyperactive, annoying as hell...always right, never wrong...I am SO grateful that for the last couple of years, we were actually friends. Annie was an amazing human. She cared so much for others. She was the most giving, most phenomenal woman I have ever known. And she was strong. Our mom raised us to be strong women, and I feel Annie excelled at that. 

I will miss her until we are together again.

I can't believe she's gone. 

I have no more words.

Grief is heavy.

Grief is heavy, like a weight on your chest. I feel like I am suffocating. I look ok on the outside, but I'm screaming and pounding on the walls of my mind. Not fair. Too young. Not real. Surreal.

Grief comes in waves. One minute you're fine, going about your business when suddenly you see or hear something that reminds you of them, and grief crashes over you.

My sister died May 7, 2022, of a major heart attack. I'm still processing. She knew it might happen. I guess I did too. But you always think you have more time, and then too suddenly, time runs out. 

My brother Colen has the same heart condition. Genetic. So I'm going to have my heart checked out too. My mother should not outlive her children.

My youngest brother Noah just got engaged to an amazing, wonderful woman. A bright spot in the darkness. I am happy for him.

And I have reconnected with the man I realize now was the true love of my life. He has been amazing and supportive through everything. 

And life must carry on. I need to figure out a way to honor my sister. She was an amazing woman. I will always miss and love her. But I must figure out how to get through this. 

Grief is a part of life. But a really unfair part.

Distance is hard.

I know it will be all worth it. He is so wonderful. But not being able to be with him is SO HARD. The future looks bright but I want it NOW, lol. But we have so many things to do to build that future together. Divorces, for one. And he and his son moving up here in June. House, job, and school needs to happen before the move does. Then they'll need time to get settled in. I need to purge my storage units. Need to purge the apartment before that. Help Chloe with what she needs to prepare to live by herself, or with another roommate. And through all this, getting to know Kaiden, hoping he will accept me. Learning how to interact with him. And then eventually, a wedding to plan. :) Already dreaming about that one... :)

I am so freaking happy. I'm just impatient. :)

Only Time ~Enya

Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies? Only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies? Only time

Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
And who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time

We already have a song.

Love Again by New Hope Club:

It's been a year, two weeks, one day, I
Knew the minute that I saw your face that
Only thing that never changed was you
Your perfume's intoxicating
You still smile when you say my name and
I love the way that you dance across the room

And it comes rushing back
As the moment passed
Make me wanna grab your hand
And pull you back

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again

It's been a minute, six seconds, now I want you
'Bout to risk it all, baby, if you want to
See that look in your eyes and I guess you do

And it comes rushing back
As the moment passed
Make me wanna grab your hand
And pull you back

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again

If I make a move are you down with that?
Go in for a kiss, would you kiss me back?
Feel that love, feel that love again
If I wrap my arms around you and I pull you close
Tell you once again that I'm taking you home
Feel that love, feel that love again

Oh
Let me know
Let me know
Let me know

Tell me, have I lost my mind again?
I get the feeling you might feel the same
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again (no)
And even though we're in this crowded room
I'm feeling like there's no one else but you
Tell me you can feel that love, feel that love again
(Tell me can you feel that love)

If I make a move are you down with that?
Go in for a kiss, would you kiss me back?
Feel that love, feel that love again
If I wrap my arms around you and I pull you close
Tell you once again that I'm taking you home
Feel that love, feel that love again