I hate writing when I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. Yeah, I'm broke. So is most of the country. Because we are a corrupt oligarchy, not a democracy. Bernie Bernie Bernie. I spoke with a co worker today who, while progressive, will not vote for Bernie because, "Enough old white men". Um, no, Bernie is different. She didn't see my point of view. It made me sad.
I just want to be happy. But as long as I am stressed about money (among other things), happiness is an unattainable dream. Money. My health. Getting kicked off Medicaid and Food stamps because while I do not make enough to pay my damn bills, let alone buy groceries, I make too much for Medicaid or food stamps. This is fucking bullshit.
And I haven't been writing lately, mostly because I am finding it difficult to put things into words. Despite the fact that I had my annual review today at work and my boss (one of them- Jon Hitt) abruptly stopped midway and said, as if just figuring it out, "You are incredibly intelligent, aren't you?" I could only respond, almost robotically, "I am of above average intelligence, yes." he responded, "no you're a genius." He also used those dreaded words I remember from my teen years, "You have so much potential". I said "Story of my whole goddamn life, dude." But in my early twenties I contemplated that perhaps it wasn't that I had so much potential, but that people thought that I had way more potential than I actually did. High school teachers lamenting that I wasn't living up to my potential was the bane of my existence. Like, maybe you are expecting more out of me than I am able to give. And now I have to stress about being a failure when I'm really just ok.
I spent so much time in my life trying to live up to this idea that I was extraordinary when hey, maybe I'm just, ya know, not. But even writing that feels wrong. I am pretty amazing, just maybe not as amazing as people in my life feel I "should" be. Because, you know, potential.
WTF am I doing wrong?
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