Kinda freaking out a bit.

So for some reason Chloe got denied financial aid. She's appealing (again) on Monday, but if she doesn't get it....we are completely fucked. She is almost $2000 behind on rent. As lenient as our landlord Tim has been, I don't think we could survive this. We will get evicted for sure. Being homeless right now would really fuck up my work life a lot. I am so close to having the life I want, this would be such a huge setback. I REALLY hope she wins her appeal. She was planning to buy the Magnum from me with her financial aid, and I was going to use the money to get another car. I NEEED a car, I'm seriously going crazy without one. My feet hurt so bad because I walk so much. I'm in agony at the end of every single day.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to be strong, and figure shit out. I'm trying SO hard, the universe wouldn't just fuck me like that, right?
Fingers crossed.

Today. On Why The Fuck Did I Do This...

Omg why did I get this tablet? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm going to need it on the road. I guess I'm just making shit happen as its presented to me. RV nao!!! Just saying.

The futures so bright..

...that I need to replace these rose colored glasses with shades.

Went to the RV show at the Expo Center today. Alone. Has a blast though. :)  And narrowed down what I am looking for in an RV. I also joined a Pokemon battle raid with a bunch of TMobile employees, lol. So here's what I found:

 I like this one a lot. It's called the Lepruchaun.

 Seems like it would feel like driving a UHaul, which I have done MANY time.

 Lots of extra storage space too.

 There's also no slide outs, which I LOVE (I don't like slideouts), and its under 30 ft.

Now I can't remember which pics go to which RVs dang it. So I'll just post them, screw it.

 This one was the Minnie Winnie. About 25 ft.

 Kind of what I want for my office.

 And this is Omar, at the TMobile booth. He hooked me up with some good stuff then we went on a Pokemon Go Battle raid with like 4 employees, lol.

Good times.

So. Thoughts after the RV show. Fuck I need to fix my credit. Oh and also make a LOT more money. I need to get my voice over work started. And my writing (hence the blog post even though I reeeally need to go to bed). Time to put plan into action, not just Pinterest pinning.

Ok though seriously I need to go to bed. Floor cleaners are coming to my store at 8am, which means I need to be on the 7:17am bus, which means waking up no later than 5 so I can shower and make breakfast and be out the door by 7. Ugh. Why did I go back into retail? No matter, it will be in the past once I'm on the road.

What comes around, goes around...

..So my Spirit store is open. A lot is different than before. But a lot is coming back to me. The whole being the manager part is not coming back as quickly as I expected. Maybe it's because my assistant was the manager last year at this location. And my other assistant doesn't seem that enthused to actually work. To be fair, they both have other jobs. And so does the person I want to make the third assistant. Nineteen years ago, when I last managed Spirit, people didn't need two and three jobs to survive. Oh how things have changed.
My only complaints so far is that the zone manager seems to want the impossible. Reset all the sections to planogram. Ok, then what do I do with the ten tons of product that we were sent that is NOT in the planogram? Can't store it because we have minimal storage space. Oh, and she wants that cleared out. But I have no where to put it because she wants all the sections to planogram, like WTF. Oh and we got a metric shitton of clearance merchandise, but my store has NO clearance section.
Basically its been a bit of a shitshow. But you know what? Still better than working at Fred Meyer. Just saying.

Why I love Pinterest

Ok, so I have been researching a lot for my upcoming RV Life...and most of it has been on Pinterest. YES, I have actually read a lot of the articles, not just pinned them. But, like, pinning is my favorite part. It's kinda like when I was a kid, marking things that I wanted in the Sears Toy Catalog. OOOH this is neat, save for later. But when is "later"?
RV Life isn't my only board. I save a lot of Diabetes friendly recipes. And dream homes for the future, after my traveling is done. As if I will EVER be able to buy my own home. But I never expected to get all the things I marked in the Sears Toy Catalog either.
I save things to my survivalist prep board, as if I will actually have access to it if the SHTF and we go all Walking Dead and shit.
I wish I could just ABSORB information. Like, I could just read it once and it would forever remain in my brain.
I've been taking French lessons. Duolingo, a free app on my phone. Dunno if it's actually sticking. But its fun. I want to learn ASL, too. ASL.. American sign language. Is french sign language different? Or spanish? If I learn one sign language, doesn't that break other language barriers? It seems like it should.
BUT. Why I love pinterest. Because I do. Why do you love Pinterest?

I got the job!

So I will be managing a Spirit store again this year... 18 years after my last one. I feel like once I get in there, it will be like riding a bike, but I am worried I've forgotten a lot. But it's like I keep saying, I was meant to be a manager. I'm better at leading a team than just doing a job.
And I need to save up money for my RV Life. Spirit pays slightly better than Freddy's, AND I get a nice bonus right before Xmas. :)
Doing this without a car may be challenging. I have to go to Wilsonville on TriMet/WES train tomorrow, so I have to get up by like 530-6am and be at the 82nd max station by 8am to get to Wilsonville by 9:30, and then hopefully Sandy can get me from the Wilsonville transit station, if not, it's only a mile walk, about the same from my house to Fred Meyer. The hard part is that I close tonight. Gabi is off at 9 but said she might be able to come back and give me a lift home. Fingers crossed!
At least my store is at Lloyd Center, MUCH easier to get to without a car. I really want my car fixed though. Ugh. But then there's getting it legal, and insurance. Blergh. So overwhelming. Gotta find that possessory lien paperwork! It's here somewhere. Or I could just go to DMV again and get another one.
Ok, losing momentum again. I really need to get better at writing.

It is NOT a fantasy.

My plan to be an RV living, remote work earning, traveling writer is NOT just a fantasy. I WILL make this happen. I might be retirement age by the time I manage to get it all together, but what better way to spend your retirement, am I right?
The fantasy part is where I imagine my life when it has already happened. Traveling to new places, a dog (and maybe a cat) in tow. Writing up a storm, making good money doing that and doing voice over work from my little mobile studio in my RV. Meeting new people. Life on the road. BUT. There are many obstacles I have yet to overcome. I would have to learn a LOT about RV maintenance. Get better at writing. Figure out how to finance it all until I get my remote streams of income up and running. A retail job that causes me physical pain is not conducive to this plan. I also need to downsize and eliminate my storage unit still. And live somewhere that my finances are not being drained by someone not paying their share of bills.
I've applied at a radio station and touched bases with Vicky Mazzone, a dj I used to be at KPSU with so that I can relearn digital voice production. I want to be able to handle all my own recordings on the road. I've researched being a digital nomad, and ways to get internet while traveling. I've been checking out blogs of people who are already doing the types of things that I want to do, although I haven't found many that really resonate with me yet.
I have an interview with Sandy Berney at Spirit Halloween tomorrow, to be a store manager again. Maybe take a LOA from Freddy's to do that, maybe stay on a day or two a week, I will examine the options. That makes me nervous too honestly, do I remember how to be a store manager? It's been awhile. I was good at it though. Always beat my sales goals (well, except Mall 205, but that wasn't all on me, the location was going downhill.). So we'll see.
I think that is my problem overall.. insecurity in my ability to accomplish my goals. Ties back to my earlier post about being mediocre.
Losing my train of thought. More later.

Where is my motivation?!

I am guessing I didn't get the job at Blue Dog RV, they never called after my interview. I am freaking out because I was planning to give the landlord $200 this week towards my back rent and after paying the phone bill and buying groceries, I somehow only have $99 in my account. I can't keep going the way I'm going. I work my ass off at a job I hate so I can try and stay on top of bills so I can survive, and I'm failing at even that. I fear I need to be rescued, but I'm not even sure I know what that means.
Continuing this much later because my computer is dumb...and I'm lazy. Ugh.
My mom sent me a bunch of stuff about getting back into writing, but I really feel like I need to take classes to rehone my skills. Which may be impossible, because I went to PCC financial aid and I can't get financial aid until I "resolve" my current defaulted loans. SO I went to the loan website and they're claiming ALL my loans, as if I had never paid any of them off!! (I did, with wage garnishment in the late 90s/early 2000s). I paid off at least 2 that I know of for sure, possibly 3. But of course, any proof I have of that is buried in my storage unit somewhere. Why does it seem like the universe is working against me? Mother Theresa once said (or so I've heard) "God never gives you more than you can handle. I just wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much" or something to that effect. When can I catch a real break? I mean, sure, I catch little breaks here and there, but its like one baby step forward, three giant leaps back sometimes.
But some invisible man in the sky didn't do this. *I* did this. With poor decision making. I just don't know how to dig myself out. Again. Ugh, I need a vacation.
No, I need a new life. In an RV. With a dog. Exploring the country, then maybe the world. But I need a GOOD income that can travel. And substantial startup money. And universal health care. Just saying.

Oh hai. I should write..

So I realized I hadn't written in awhile.
I have an interview Monday at Blue Dog RV. I called back the hiring manager, expecting to just set an interview time, but wound up getting phone interviewed by him and the owner?manager? big boss, anyway. Felt blindsided, but I guess I did alright, since they set the in person interview. Position is service administrator, I think. Basically the liaison between customers and technicians. Similar to what I did at T&T and Trismart, but different product and in person instead of remote. I figured it would be a good way to learn more about RVs before I get one.
In other news, work shorted my check ($13 less than what I needed for bills-and about $100 less than I was expecting, and leaving no money for the week), but thankfully my brother was kind enough to help me get a rental car & gas money so I can go to Eugene this weekend for Jesse Creighton's memorial and to see my mom. Still waiting to hear from Annie if Daisy wants to tag along or not.
Work has been a bit better since Sir John and Heather and I had a sit down. John thought that I had said that he should treat me special because we are friends. I almost blew up. I did not say that, I WOULD NEVER say that, much less believe it. I have been a manager, and that is not something I would EVER say or believe. Whoever told him that was clearly trying to start shit. So yesterday's close with John was good, and we went to his place for wine after work. He had said in our meeting that we just shouldn't talk about work when we hang out. I didn't, until HE brought it up, lol. I thought that was funny. But then he clarified, no we just shouldn't talk about US at work outside of work, lol. I close with him again tonight, as closing bagger, which means in a check stand while we are busy and then cleaning registers and doing go backs closer to close. Jon Hitt wants me to come in as early as I can, but I woke up late this morning so I think I'll only go in an hour early.
Ok, that's my update, sorry for the lack of clever philosophical ramblings this time, maybe in my next entry. :)

I'm mediocre. And I hate it.

I spent so many years trying to be "well rounded" that I never really got *good* at anything. I was a mediocre DJ. I am a mediocre singer. I am a mediocre writer. Passable, but not great.

I'm a mediocre employee. I'm good at being a self checkout attendant, but I am only so so in a check stand (my production numbers suck) and I have an attitude problem when I feel something is unjust, or if I don't get my break in a reasonable amount of time.

I'm a mediocre friend. Sometimes I'm loyal ride or die, and other times I want to care but I just don't.

I was a mediocre student when I was in school. Not living up to my "potential" they said. Whatever.

When all you are is mediocre, it becomes so hard to care about anything anymore. Because you feel like you'll never be good enough anyway.

Well, it's official..

...I have been accepted for admittance at PCC. Of course, it will hinge on financial aid (NO LOANS! just grants and scholarships), but my plan is to go take some writing classes so I can get better at writing articles, with the goal of becoming a travel journalist. Journalism degree? Not sure yet. But I want to be a better writer.
In other news, I will be at $15 an hour at Freddy's most likely by sometime next week. Then I decide if the pay raise is enough to keep me there. I'll give it at least a month before I decide. And if the answer is no, then I start trying harder to find a different job. That pays *over* $15 an hour. If it exists.
So, day off tomorrow, take PCC placement tests either online or at the SE Campus, since it's been so long (27 years!!!) since I've been in school. Work on my FAFSA. Check out what writing classes are available. Possibly join Chloe on her adventure to the Portland Art Museum.
But now, time to get ready to leave for work.