December already?

It's already day 3 of the last month of the year.. But next year looks promising, and 17 days (approx) until I get my Spirit bonus, and hopefully a CAR! The landlord gave me until the 3rd week of January to either fix the Magnum or get rid of it. Thankfully Chloe should have her financial aid by then and will buy it from me and get it fixed. Otherwise I have to find some way to get rid of it. Which sucks since I'm still on the hook for 8 grand to Reliable because of the damn thing. Which is their fault, really, for refusing to refinance me. Next car=no financing. Hopefully my bonus is hefty. Not expecting it to be though, they tax it to hell because it's a bonus. I'll be happy if it's over a grand. It should be. But the more over it is, the more I can either buy xmas gifts or get caught up on rent.
This not working thing is starting to get to me..sooo hard to motivate my ass to get shit done. I wish I still made lists like I used to. I don't even know if that would help though. I feel so dumb sometimes. I'm like wtf happened to me I used to be smart! Or so I was told time and time again.
This is a horrible time of year to be out of work. I'd rather it was in the summer.
Ok, gotta go figure some shit out to help me reach my goals. Something other than Pinterest, that is, lol.

Some days are great, then there is this moment of suck..

I had a great time doing several voices for an audiobook yesterday, got paid at the end (with royalties to come, hopefully), super awesome. Had Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner and caught up on some more episodes of Black Lightning to prepare for the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event coming on the CW. Then I went to bed. Dreamt of Shane. I woke up sad.
I wish things had worked out differently for us. I wish he hadn't died, especially before we got a chance to end our not speaking to each other thing, whatever the hell that was. I will allow myself a few moments to grieve again, but then I must move forward, hoping that wherever he is now, he is at peace. Maybe our tragic story will inspire my writing someday. Not yet though. Too soon still.
I could write a story of what could have been, maybe. Or just write it as it was, maybe gain perspective of where things went wrong. Idk.
BUT. I do need to write something, a short story, something. I'm worried that I've forgotten how. I think I need to become a reader again. I seemed more inspired to write when I read all the time.
My mom said she thinks I'm one of the best writers she has ever known. To have your hero say something like that...but. She's my mom. Of course she's going to say that. :) She's never been one to bullshit me though, so there's that.
I'm really looking forward to hearing the final audiobook when he's done editing it. Plus he said I could use a sample on my voice profiles. Then I need to get more work! If I could make this my career...no more dead-end jobs YAY!! No more thankless retail jobs on my feet all day that damage my physical and mental well being, YAY!
And as I typed that, the Superman theme song came on the classical station that I listen to. Epic. LOL.

OMG!!

I just booked my first voice gig! Doing voices for an audiobook. The writer is someone I know peripherally from the electronic music scene, and if this project is successful, he is planning on starting an audiobook production company and will want me for even more work! WOOOT!!
I am so freaking excited right now!! Did I mention it's a paying gig? Whheee!! We start on Friday. Will update more soon!!

On my way!!

My voice demo is done! Vicky Mazzone, an old friend from my KPSU days, produced it for me, she's amazing! I would post it, but it has my phone number in it, and this blog is a little too public for that. BUT. A step closer to my RV life goals!
In health news, I apparently have plantar fasciitis, as well as a BONE SPUR in my heel. So no more retail jobs where I am on my feet all day. And my Spirit bonus next month is DEFINITELY going towards a car. Time for a desk job and a gym membership. On the plus side, my A1C actually IMPROVED since my last test, which leads me to believe that the crappy Kroger monitor was, in fact, the issue. Since I'm back on OHP, I am back to my nicer, more accurate monitor. The strips for it are INSANELY expensive, so I had to use the cheaper Kroger one when I had no insurance.
Thanksgiving will be interesting, either Chloe and I are going to Annie's and we're getting Chinese, or Annie and Brandon are coming here and I'm going to cook. (Annie's oven is broken) I really wish food stamps gave you like a supplemental bonus in the middle of November. We'll figure it out. If I had a car I'd go get a food box.
Not working is already making me stir crazy. Not just because of the lack of funds, but because although I now have the free time to work on other projects, I'm having trouble MOTIVATING myself to do them. For example, I've been working on this one blog entry for THREE DAYS. Ugh. I need a spa day or a vibration cleanse or some such thing. I need to be renewed mentally and emotionally. How do I do that? Time for some research.

Avoiding the hard things...

I'm not quite ready to talk about the ordeal that was Spirit yet. So instead, I'm compiling my Xmas Wish List 2019.

Once again, I’m not expecting anything. Just putting this out into the universe.

This entire administration removed and replaced with sane people.

A CAR. Or an Rv and moped.

New underwear (size 7 or 8/L or XL)

New clothes since I shrunk (A gift certificate to Ross or something would work)

Bye Bye Under Eye concealer by It Cosmetics in Light

WATERPROOF 3D fiber mascara in black

Sex Kitten Eyeliner by Tarte in black

*A working printer with extra ink!* (or just ink for Chloe’s computer)

An in-home planetarium (to sleep under the pretend stars!)

Gym membership (must have pool and treadmills)

*A waffle iron !!*

A house with a yard and a garage (no more apartments!!). Covered big front porch for bonus points

Victoria's Secret Love Spell perfume (bonus points: in a gift set! :) )

ALL the Buffy comics that are out, SEASONS 8-12

ALL the Angel, Spike, Faith, et. al comics

Supernatural related merchandise

witchy stuff

novelty socks

pretty outfit for new years (2X-I think)

LED hula hoop (great exercise!)

A battery/power source for my CPAP so I can take it camping next summer!!

New pirate garb since I can’t seem to find mine anywhere.. :( (have hat, need the rest)

For more, see:

https://www.pinterest.com/reverendkate/wish-liststuff-i-want/ Pinterest Wish List

https://amzn.com/w/2AM6TI2GFAC73 Amazon Wish List

https://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/wishlist/271831/list/1 This Is Why I’m Broke Wish List

*Stuff in bold is the more realistic wishes

Kinda freaking out a bit.

So for some reason Chloe got denied financial aid. She's appealing (again) on Monday, but if she doesn't get it....we are completely fucked. She is almost $2000 behind on rent. As lenient as our landlord Tim has been, I don't think we could survive this. We will get evicted for sure. Being homeless right now would really fuck up my work life a lot. I am so close to having the life I want, this would be such a huge setback. I REALLY hope she wins her appeal. She was planning to buy the Magnum from me with her financial aid, and I was going to use the money to get another car. I NEEED a car, I'm seriously going crazy without one. My feet hurt so bad because I walk so much. I'm in agony at the end of every single day.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to be strong, and figure shit out. I'm trying SO hard, the universe wouldn't just fuck me like that, right?
Fingers crossed.

Today. On Why The Fuck Did I Do This...

Omg why did I get this tablet? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm going to need it on the road. I guess I'm just making shit happen as its presented to me. RV nao!!! Just saying.

The futures so bright..

...that I need to replace these rose colored glasses with shades.

Went to the RV show at the Expo Center today. Alone. Has a blast though. :)  And narrowed down what I am looking for in an RV. I also joined a Pokemon battle raid with a bunch of TMobile employees, lol. So here's what I found:

 I like this one a lot. It's called the Lepruchaun.

 Seems like it would feel like driving a UHaul, which I have done MANY time.

 Lots of extra storage space too.

 There's also no slide outs, which I LOVE (I don't like slideouts), and its under 30 ft.

Now I can't remember which pics go to which RVs dang it. So I'll just post them, screw it.

 This one was the Minnie Winnie. About 25 ft.

 Kind of what I want for my office.

 And this is Omar, at the TMobile booth. He hooked me up with some good stuff then we went on a Pokemon Go Battle raid with like 4 employees, lol.

Good times.

So. Thoughts after the RV show. Fuck I need to fix my credit. Oh and also make a LOT more money. I need to get my voice over work started. And my writing (hence the blog post even though I reeeally need to go to bed). Time to put plan into action, not just Pinterest pinning.

Ok though seriously I need to go to bed. Floor cleaners are coming to my store at 8am, which means I need to be on the 7:17am bus, which means waking up no later than 5 so I can shower and make breakfast and be out the door by 7. Ugh. Why did I go back into retail? No matter, it will be in the past once I'm on the road.

What comes around, goes around...

..So my Spirit store is open. A lot is different than before. But a lot is coming back to me. The whole being the manager part is not coming back as quickly as I expected. Maybe it's because my assistant was the manager last year at this location. And my other assistant doesn't seem that enthused to actually work. To be fair, they both have other jobs. And so does the person I want to make the third assistant. Nineteen years ago, when I last managed Spirit, people didn't need two and three jobs to survive. Oh how things have changed.
My only complaints so far is that the zone manager seems to want the impossible. Reset all the sections to planogram. Ok, then what do I do with the ten tons of product that we were sent that is NOT in the planogram? Can't store it because we have minimal storage space. Oh, and she wants that cleared out. But I have no where to put it because she wants all the sections to planogram, like WTF. Oh and we got a metric shitton of clearance merchandise, but my store has NO clearance section.
Basically its been a bit of a shitshow. But you know what? Still better than working at Fred Meyer. Just saying.

Why I love Pinterest

Ok, so I have been researching a lot for my upcoming RV Life...and most of it has been on Pinterest. YES, I have actually read a lot of the articles, not just pinned them. But, like, pinning is my favorite part. It's kinda like when I was a kid, marking things that I wanted in the Sears Toy Catalog. OOOH this is neat, save for later. But when is "later"?
RV Life isn't my only board. I save a lot of Diabetes friendly recipes. And dream homes for the future, after my traveling is done. As if I will EVER be able to buy my own home. But I never expected to get all the things I marked in the Sears Toy Catalog either.
I save things to my survivalist prep board, as if I will actually have access to it if the SHTF and we go all Walking Dead and shit.
I wish I could just ABSORB information. Like, I could just read it once and it would forever remain in my brain.
I've been taking French lessons. Duolingo, a free app on my phone. Dunno if it's actually sticking. But its fun. I want to learn ASL, too. ASL.. American sign language. Is french sign language different? Or spanish? If I learn one sign language, doesn't that break other language barriers? It seems like it should.
BUT. Why I love pinterest. Because I do. Why do you love Pinterest?

I got the job!

So I will be managing a Spirit store again this year... 18 years after my last one. I feel like once I get in there, it will be like riding a bike, but I am worried I've forgotten a lot. But it's like I keep saying, I was meant to be a manager. I'm better at leading a team than just doing a job.
And I need to save up money for my RV Life. Spirit pays slightly better than Freddy's, AND I get a nice bonus right before Xmas. :)
Doing this without a car may be challenging. I have to go to Wilsonville on TriMet/WES train tomorrow, so I have to get up by like 530-6am and be at the 82nd max station by 8am to get to Wilsonville by 9:30, and then hopefully Sandy can get me from the Wilsonville transit station, if not, it's only a mile walk, about the same from my house to Fred Meyer. The hard part is that I close tonight. Gabi is off at 9 but said she might be able to come back and give me a lift home. Fingers crossed!
At least my store is at Lloyd Center, MUCH easier to get to without a car. I really want my car fixed though. Ugh. But then there's getting it legal, and insurance. Blergh. So overwhelming. Gotta find that possessory lien paperwork! It's here somewhere. Or I could just go to DMV again and get another one.
Ok, losing momentum again. I really need to get better at writing.

It is NOT a fantasy.

My plan to be an RV living, remote work earning, traveling writer is NOT just a fantasy. I WILL make this happen. I might be retirement age by the time I manage to get it all together, but what better way to spend your retirement, am I right?
The fantasy part is where I imagine my life when it has already happened. Traveling to new places, a dog (and maybe a cat) in tow. Writing up a storm, making good money doing that and doing voice over work from my little mobile studio in my RV. Meeting new people. Life on the road. BUT. There are many obstacles I have yet to overcome. I would have to learn a LOT about RV maintenance. Get better at writing. Figure out how to finance it all until I get my remote streams of income up and running. A retail job that causes me physical pain is not conducive to this plan. I also need to downsize and eliminate my storage unit still. And live somewhere that my finances are not being drained by someone not paying their share of bills.
I've applied at a radio station and touched bases with Vicky Mazzone, a dj I used to be at KPSU with so that I can relearn digital voice production. I want to be able to handle all my own recordings on the road. I've researched being a digital nomad, and ways to get internet while traveling. I've been checking out blogs of people who are already doing the types of things that I want to do, although I haven't found many that really resonate with me yet.
I have an interview with Sandy Berney at Spirit Halloween tomorrow, to be a store manager again. Maybe take a LOA from Freddy's to do that, maybe stay on a day or two a week, I will examine the options. That makes me nervous too honestly, do I remember how to be a store manager? It's been awhile. I was good at it though. Always beat my sales goals (well, except Mall 205, but that wasn't all on me, the location was going downhill.). So we'll see.
I think that is my problem overall.. insecurity in my ability to accomplish my goals. Ties back to my earlier post about being mediocre.
Losing my train of thought. More later.

Where is my motivation?!

I am guessing I didn't get the job at Blue Dog RV, they never called after my interview. I am freaking out because I was planning to give the landlord $200 this week towards my back rent and after paying the phone bill and buying groceries, I somehow only have $99 in my account. I can't keep going the way I'm going. I work my ass off at a job I hate so I can try and stay on top of bills so I can survive, and I'm failing at even that. I fear I need to be rescued, but I'm not even sure I know what that means.
Continuing this much later because my computer is dumb...and I'm lazy. Ugh.
My mom sent me a bunch of stuff about getting back into writing, but I really feel like I need to take classes to rehone my skills. Which may be impossible, because I went to PCC financial aid and I can't get financial aid until I "resolve" my current defaulted loans. SO I went to the loan website and they're claiming ALL my loans, as if I had never paid any of them off!! (I did, with wage garnishment in the late 90s/early 2000s). I paid off at least 2 that I know of for sure, possibly 3. But of course, any proof I have of that is buried in my storage unit somewhere. Why does it seem like the universe is working against me? Mother Theresa once said (or so I've heard) "God never gives you more than you can handle. I just wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much" or something to that effect. When can I catch a real break? I mean, sure, I catch little breaks here and there, but its like one baby step forward, three giant leaps back sometimes.
But some invisible man in the sky didn't do this. *I* did this. With poor decision making. I just don't know how to dig myself out. Again. Ugh, I need a vacation.
No, I need a new life. In an RV. With a dog. Exploring the country, then maybe the world. But I need a GOOD income that can travel. And substantial startup money. And universal health care. Just saying.

Oh hai. I should write..

So I realized I hadn't written in awhile.
I have an interview Monday at Blue Dog RV. I called back the hiring manager, expecting to just set an interview time, but wound up getting phone interviewed by him and the owner?manager? big boss, anyway. Felt blindsided, but I guess I did alright, since they set the in person interview. Position is service administrator, I think. Basically the liaison between customers and technicians. Similar to what I did at T&T and Trismart, but different product and in person instead of remote. I figured it would be a good way to learn more about RVs before I get one.
In other news, work shorted my check ($13 less than what I needed for bills-and about $100 less than I was expecting, and leaving no money for the week), but thankfully my brother was kind enough to help me get a rental car & gas money so I can go to Eugene this weekend for Jesse Creighton's memorial and to see my mom. Still waiting to hear from Annie if Daisy wants to tag along or not.
Work has been a bit better since Sir John and Heather and I had a sit down. John thought that I had said that he should treat me special because we are friends. I almost blew up. I did not say that, I WOULD NEVER say that, much less believe it. I have been a manager, and that is not something I would EVER say or believe. Whoever told him that was clearly trying to start shit. So yesterday's close with John was good, and we went to his place for wine after work. He had said in our meeting that we just shouldn't talk about work when we hang out. I didn't, until HE brought it up, lol. I thought that was funny. But then he clarified, no we just shouldn't talk about US at work outside of work, lol. I close with him again tonight, as closing bagger, which means in a check stand while we are busy and then cleaning registers and doing go backs closer to close. Jon Hitt wants me to come in as early as I can, but I woke up late this morning so I think I'll only go in an hour early.
Ok, that's my update, sorry for the lack of clever philosophical ramblings this time, maybe in my next entry. :)

I'm mediocre. And I hate it.

I spent so many years trying to be "well rounded" that I never really got *good* at anything. I was a mediocre DJ. I am a mediocre singer. I am a mediocre writer. Passable, but not great.

I'm a mediocre employee. I'm good at being a self checkout attendant, but I am only so so in a check stand (my production numbers suck) and I have an attitude problem when I feel something is unjust, or if I don't get my break in a reasonable amount of time.

I'm a mediocre friend. Sometimes I'm loyal ride or die, and other times I want to care but I just don't.

I was a mediocre student when I was in school. Not living up to my "potential" they said. Whatever.

When all you are is mediocre, it becomes so hard to care about anything anymore. Because you feel like you'll never be good enough anyway.

Well, it's official..

...I have been accepted for admittance at PCC. Of course, it will hinge on financial aid (NO LOANS! just grants and scholarships), but my plan is to go take some writing classes so I can get better at writing articles, with the goal of becoming a travel journalist. Journalism degree? Not sure yet. But I want to be a better writer.
In other news, I will be at $15 an hour at Freddy's most likely by sometime next week. Then I decide if the pay raise is enough to keep me there. I'll give it at least a month before I decide. And if the answer is no, then I start trying harder to find a different job. That pays *over* $15 an hour. If it exists.
So, day off tomorrow, take PCC placement tests either online or at the SE Campus, since it's been so long (27 years!!!) since I've been in school. Work on my FAFSA. Check out what writing classes are available. Possibly join Chloe on her adventure to the Portland Art Museum.
But now, time to get ready to leave for work.

My everything hurts...

My whole body hurts from 5 straight 9+ hour shifts at Freddy's. I need to do laundry but I'm dreading having to carry the super heavy laundry basket downstairs to the laundry room. I'm hoping it was just because of the long week, and not a thing that's going to make me wind up having to quit for my health. I hit up Byram last week but haven't heard back. I have one of his customers calling my personal cell phone needing help because he couldn't get a hold of  Byram, so that tells me he's probably not back on track with T&T yet, if he ever will be.

Ok, laundry is in, and yes it was painful. And I am sooooo unmotivated to do much of anything else right now. Depression? Exhaustion? Probably. I can't even think of anything to write. Ugh.

Well, fuck.

So sometime between October and April, Lyft changed "5 years since DUI" to "7 years since DUI" so now I have to wait another damn year. WTF.
I'm going to lose my damn mind. Time to really sit down and focus on blogging and affiliate marketing as a money making gig.
On the plus side, I only have 119 hours left to work before I'm at $15 an hour at my current job. If I can survive that long. Don't get me wrong, I love customer service and I am good at it. No, when I will leave it will be because of one person.
John Hitt told me yesterday that I am essential to the front end, I am good at what I do and they need me. I'm glad at least someone higher up than me feels that way. It helps keep me motivated to not flip my shit on this one other person.
Seriously I'm just tired of the stupid drama. Hence the upcoming Freddy's-as-a-high-school screenplay. Some people are not going to be happy about how I characterize them. Some people won't realize that it's intended to be exaggerated and satirical. So it won't be released until I no longer work there. Which, considering how slow I am at writing, shouldn't be an issue, lol.

Mean Clerks (working title)

So I think I've figured out how to deal with my work stress. I'm going to write a screenplay. Turn Freddy's into a high school. People who work there will be characters in the story. Dave is the leader of the rock band (of course-no brainer). Clark is the guy who always gets the lead in the school play. Joshua is his understudy. Simone is the really nice girl that everybody likes. Sir John, of course, is the GBF diva. Parker is that sarcastic bitch that everybody likes even if they won't admit it. Nick is the nice-guy-with-a dark side. I'll add more as I think of it. The story starts out with me as the new girl in school. Nice girl but kind of an attitude. It ends with me telling the next new girl my story. EEE!! I'm excited about this idea.

Holding out for a hero

I keep feeling, dear God, send someone to rescue me from this hell I've created for myself. Then I realize I have to be my own hero. But where do I start? Different job. But I work so much it's hard to find one. All the rejection letters certainly don't help my motivation. I'm reapplying for Lyft on Monday, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.. else rejection will be devastating. I'm just so sick of my current workplace. I like what I do, I'm just sick of the stupid drama. And feeling trapped. I've worked so many jobs that *I* decide when I take a break that being forced into a set breaktime is frustrating. I need to go back to working from home. Except then I'll get less exercise unless I make myself join a gym or something.
But. I need to be my own hero and get this shit figured out.

I suck at this...

I hate writing when I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. Yeah, I'm broke. So is most of the country. Because we are a corrupt oligarchy, not a democracy. Bernie Bernie Bernie. I spoke with a co worker today who, while progressive, will not vote for Bernie because, "Enough old white men". Um, no, Bernie is different. She didn't see my point of view. It made me sad.
I just want to be happy. But as long as I am stressed about money (among other things), happiness is an unattainable dream. Money. My health. Getting kicked off Medicaid and Food stamps because while I do not make enough to pay my damn bills, let alone buy groceries, I make too much for Medicaid or food stamps. This is fucking bullshit.
And I haven't been writing lately, mostly because I am finding it difficult to put things into words. Despite the fact that I had my annual review today at work and my boss (one of them- Jon Hitt) abruptly stopped midway and said, as if just figuring it out, "You are incredibly intelligent, aren't you?" I could only respond, almost robotically, "I am of above average intelligence, yes." he responded, "no you're a genius." He also used those dreaded words I remember from my teen years, "You have so much potential". I said "Story of my whole goddamn life, dude." But in my early twenties I contemplated that perhaps it wasn't that I had so much potential, but that people thought that I had way more potential than I actually did. High school teachers lamenting that I wasn't living up to my potential was the bane of my existence. Like, maybe you are expecting more out of me than I am able to give. And now I have to stress about being a failure when I'm really just ok.
I spent so much time in my life trying to live up to this idea that I was extraordinary when hey, maybe I'm just, ya know, not. But even writing that feels wrong. I am pretty amazing, just maybe not as amazing as people in my life feel I "should" be. Because, you know, potential.
WTF am I doing wrong?

Head fog..

Suffering from monumental head fog today, among other things. Chloe thinks I just need to drink more water, but so far it's not helping. Just making me feel waterlogged. Hopefully my body will absorb the water and I'll be better. Freaking out about not having any money this week...again. So.damn.tired. of being fucking broke that I want to cry. I work so hard to barely be surviving and it is making me so frustrated. Can't take out a loan because my credit is destroyed. I just don't know how much more I can take. I just want to give up. Crawl under a rock and die.
It's Mercury retrograde. It's this horrendous monthly. It's Effexor withdrawl. Wtf ever, I just want to feel better again. I WANT TO HAVE MONEY TO PAY BILLS AND ALSO BE ABLE TO DO STUFF IF I WANT TO. And buy groceries.
If this is the Effexor withdrawl, why the fuck am I taking something that has such horrible side effects when I stop? Happy to get off it. Sad that I turned to it in the first place. I should be able to fix myself without drugs. Mental stuff anyway, depression, whatever. Of course, I only stopped because I lost health insurance and I can't afford it on my own. Yet another problem tied back to being fucking broke. No idea how I am going to afford my Tamoxifen or Atorvastatin. I ran out of the Atorvastatin already and I take my last Tamoxifen on Tuesday, two days before payday. SO SO SO SICK OF BEING FUCKING BROKE.

I'm not special.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being down on myself. Just realistic. EVERYone has a story. When I was younger, I thought my life story would make an interesting read. Maybe I would inspire someone. You read all the time about how normal people are. But I thought I was different. I'm white, but I grew up as a minority on an island of mostly brown people. I lived on Alcatraz Island as a toddler. John Lennon sang to me in a bookstore in California. I had a radio show as a teen. But the older I get, the more I realize that EVERYone has an interesting story. Some you have to dig deeper than others to find. Take my sister for example. She is...extraordinary. She has overcome so many obstacles, only to be dealt more all the time. Yet she managed to raise two amazing girls. If she ever wrote an autobiography, I would read it in a heartbeat. Reading this, you might think we've had an amazing relationship. But we didn't. I spent a lot of time being so frustrated by her. I wish I'd spent that time helping her. We've been a lot closer the last few years, true. But we still have work to do to be better sisters. Mostly me.
But my point, if I can find it again, is that I'm not as interesting as I thought I was. I'm ordinary. But only because we are all extraordinary. And in a world of extraordinary people, extraordinary is ordinary. Now I feel like I'm in a George Orwell novel. For more reasons than one.

Seventeen...

I know it sounds, well, ridiculous, but tonight's episode of Riverdale turned me into a big bawling baby. It was a musical episode (of course, lol). There was this song called 17.. basically about being a normal 17 year old, which on Riverdale, none of them are. For one, none of the actors are even teenagers, but also, none of their characters are remotely "normal" 17 year olds. And I started thinking about myself at 17. And how much I related to NOT being a "normal" 17 year old. I was living with my "fiance", in my family's apartment in Hawaii. He was cheating on me with my best friend. I basically had a nervous breakdown. Dropped out of high school. That wasn't supposed to be me, I was smart, I was going places. But I got sidelined by fucking teen angst. Not that I am blaming him, or her. I mean shit, they're still together to this day. They were obviously meant to be. I blame myself. I wish I could have just let it all go and focused on myself, concentrated on MY future. But I was a fucking dumbass. Why couldn't I have just been "normal"?
Which leads me back to me. I went into radio. Because I really, really wanted it. But the pay sucked, and I lacked motivation. Still. Now I'm 49. I want to do voice over work. I pin pins on Pinterest about it. I relish the chance to do an overhead at Freddy's because I KNOW my voice sounds professional. But my dentures make me self conscious. I feel like I lisp. Even though people still always comment about my professional sounding voice. I think I just need to get the fuck over myself and GET IT DONE.

Some good news...

So I thought that I had been gaining weight back because I haven't been as strict with my diet. I didn't know for sure because the batteries died in the scale. I got batteries last night and put them in this morning. I stepped on the scale, dreading the outcome. 225.0. Four pounds down from last weigh in. Just to be safe, I stepped on it two more times. Both times it came up 225.0. Woo hoo!
25 more pounds until I step it up and start actually working out. Oh sure, I could just do that anyway, but that was the goal I set. 200 pounds and I start working out.
The other thing that happened today made me less happy, the start of my "monthly" cycle, which isn't so monthly anymore. PeriodTracker said 21 days past due. So cramps are part of my daily life for the next few days. Yippee.
Ya take the good ya take the bad and there you have the Facts of Life, LOL
Still stressed about bills. Storage unit payment is late, rent is late. Sending landlord $200 from this check, which will leave me $26 to my name till next check, which is also almost gone because storage unit/phone/rent. I spent $91 on groceries and necessities last night because I was tired of having no freaking food in the house. I HATE BEING BROKE. I need to actually sit down and go through, and start working on, the money making ideas that I pinned on Pinterest instead of just pinning them. I also need to work on advertising for Grn Tea Magazine. I feel like I'm letting Noah down, but I seriously have been working so much at Freddy's that I haven't had the time.
I need to get my passive income streams up and running so I don't have to stress as much about getting hours and can have more free time.
Speaking of stress, I got kicked off Medicaid because I make too much money, so now I have to pay for everything out of pocket. Yes, I can get insurance through work, but it is seriously worthless. $400 deductible PLUS $10 a week PLUS copays. Fucking ridiculous. SO I decided to wean myself off the Effexor and deal with my depression without medication. Fingers crossed. I'm down to Levothyroxine, Lisinpopril, Atorvastatin, and Tamoxifen. That last one I am finally done with in October, provided my April mammogram (that I have NO idea how I'm going to pay for) comes back still cancer free. I am too old, with too many health issues to be without insurance. This sucks.

Getting my day started when I have no where to be

WHY is it that whenever I have a day off, I seem to sleep in hella late and then wind up accomplishing very little? It seems like the day flies by and what have I done? The dishes. Cleaned the cat box. Took out the trash. Planned a dinner. Hopefully remembered to eat something. (a must when you have type 2 diabetes).
I wake up. I test my blood sugar and take my levothyroxine. I have some coffee. I smoke a cig (I know, I KNOW, I need to quit asap). I check my email. I play my games on my phone so I don't lose the daily bonuses. I play my Publishers Clearing House contests. Make and eat some breakfast and take the rest of my meds. These are my daily, whether I work or not. Work days, I then start getting ready for work. Off days... I clean up after messes left from work days that I was too tired to do or couldn't do because I was at work. I get on Pinterest and pin ideas (what I need to do is actually follow through and read all these articles, jeez..) I make a grocery list and wonder how the hell I'm going to afford all this after paying bills. I cuddle the kitty. I play with the kitty. I think about where to start in getting my room organized. If I have money, I do laundry. I have no money today. Dirty clothes for work tomorrow, woo. Thank god I have a bazillion pairs of underwear, lol. So those will be clean. I ramble incoherently in my journal. ;)
WHY do I have so much trouble motivating myself?

Everything happens for a reason.

I had a nice chat with Makana yesterday about things happening when they're supposed to, things falling into place, everything happening for a reason, like the universe telling you you've chosen the right path. For me and the RV life plan, it was feeling a sense of inner calm. That and Katie saying she would sell me her RV for 5k. It was like whoa, pieces falling into place. I'm on the right path, at last.

Adventures?

So Chloe said that I need to have at least one day a week where I get out from behind my computer and go on an adventure, to inspire me to have things to write about. She's not wrong, to be honest. But what kind of adventures? Money is tight, and I have no working vehicle, so they can't be extravagant. I need ideas. Explore somewhere in Portland that I haven't been before? Heh, that might be hard to find. Volunteer somewhere? Ooh, maybe with the Bernie Sanders campaign! Or a homeless shelter. Maybe Q Center? Hmm. I will have to think on this some more. But I agree with Chloe. This needs to happen.

Whoa.

Just read back through a lot of my old Livejournal posts. ( https://foolishgirl5239.livejournal.com )
I used to write quite a bit. (although you can't see the posts unless I accept your friend request, I think)

What really got me though were the posts about Shane from Seattle. Shane died the day before my birthday this year. I haven't really talked about it much, I haven't journaled about it at all. We still weren't speaking at the time. His mom Cynthia messaged me to tell me, in the evening of Feb 12th. I was at work. I lost it. She added me as a friend on Facebook shortly after. She said, "He never had another girlfriend after you, so I thought you would want to know." I guess I always thought that Shane and I would find each other again someday. Now there is no more someday. He died of a heart attack. His aorta dissected. He was such a brilliant mind, I think my sadness is as much for the brilliant mind that the world lost as it is for my own loss. I had to call and tell KC. They were best friends, for awhile, after all. I felt he needed to know. It was a difficult conversation. I haven't heard from him since. Maybe I should call and check up on him. Shane was cremated, his ashes dispersed amongst his family members. I wish we had at least been speaking again before he died. But I had a dream of him shortly after, in the dream he was off to the side of my vision, slowly shaking his head. Then he looked at me and his eyes shown with love. I wish I could remember more. But I feel like he forgave me for our unfriendly ending. I hope that's true. Chloe had a dream a few days later that Shane was terrorizing her. Not sure what to make of that. 

This whole RV plan.. I think Shane would have been totally down to go. Now, I forge ahead alone.

Well that was sooner than expected...

My friend Katie, who I've known since my early teens, says she has an older RV she can sell me. Granted I will have to take some time saving up for it, but I kinda freaked. Like, this can happen! I just have stuff to do first. I have to go through my storage until and find stuff to donate and to sell. Find anything Annie or my mom wants to keep. I should start selling my Buffy collectibles on Ebay. And other collectibles that I acquired during my years at Spencer Gifts. I'll keep a few small items, of course. The storage unit needs to go. Maybe I should start by paring down items I have in the apartment, so if there are things in the storage unit that I absolutely MUST keep (camping and river gear, for example), I can store them here. Family heirlooms to Annie and my mom.
I have journals dating back to when I was eight, because I fully expected to end up famous, and I wanted my biographer to have plenty to work with, lol. Silly, I guess. I should be my own biographer.
I found out today that there may be a way to keep the Magnum, and Chloe wants to fix it. I called the DMV and they said I need to go into a branch and pick up a posessorary (sp?) lien packet so that I can get the title. HELLS yes. Chloe can have the damn car, I don't care. I want an RV and a moped that I can hang on the back.
My mom sent me an email that she got about a travel writer's course I can take. OMG THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.
This journal is, of course, to get me back into the hang of writing again. I used to write in my Livejournal every day back when I was married, and shortly after Q and I split up. Oh hey, maybe I should get divorced too. I don't know. I need to go talk to Q about it again. I do need a working vehicle to get to Eugene to do that.
March 23rd will mark my one year anniversary at Fred Meyer. I have 260 hours to go until I get bumped up to $15 an hour. I NEED to get signed up for health insurance before my mammogram in April. Erg. I hate that I got kicked off OHP. The insurance through work SUCKS. WE NEED MEDICARE FOR ALL ASAP!!!! VOTE BERNIE!!!
April 5th will mark one year since the accident with the Magnum. April 8th I am going to go apply for Lyft's rental program again, and drive when I'm not working at Freddy's. If it goes well, maybe I can cut back my hours at Freddy's and drive more. All I need is the $250 deposit, which I am hoping Colen will spot me, as I have kept my promise and waited a minimum of 1 year to ask him for money. (Well, as of March 19th). My mom thinks he might support the plan if it means me becoming financially independent. Jacob makes $800-1000 a week with Lyft. Of course, he does it full time. So I figure I will set my Lyft direct deposit to my Chime card, which has a savings account set up on it (I set that up a few months ago), so that I can transfer some of my earnings into it to save up for the RV.
I wonder if Lyft offers medical insurance?

Ok, so: Declutter. Set up Ebay sellers account and sell stuff. Get title for Magnum. Lots of journaling. Sign up with Lyft. Work work work make that money. Continue to research work from home/on the road jobs. Set up website on Wordpress. Set up affiliate marketing plan, and passive income plan. Buy Katie's RV. Buy a moped. Learn to ride a moped, lol. Maybe get divorced, and go back to just Kate Garoutte, drop the Smith? Change Katherine to Kate, as my mom had originally wanted it? Maybe.
And. Volunteer with the Bernie Sanders campaign. If Bernie becomes president and gets Medicare for All enacted, then I won't have to worry about my health while on the road so much.
I have so much to do. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

The rest of my life...

Today, I realized what I have always wanted to do with my life. Lately (ok, for several years) I've just been surviving.. no goals beyond keeping a roof over my head, steady employment, health... but it's not enough. It's never been enough. Since I was 11, I have wanted to travel the country in an RV. Today I decided it's not just a dream, but a goal. I want to write. I want to travel. I will make this happen. Step one, start saving. Step two, declutter my life. That's going to be the hardest part, I think. I have held on to so many things for so long, thinking one day I would settle down, have a house, store everything in an attic or basement for my nieces or grandnieces to discover... but maybe I can donate some things, for someone else to discover, I don't know. And I need to start writing again. Wish me luck.
Restarting my blog here is one step. It's time to be a grown up. What does that even mean?