Time to wake up, September is over

 Well, almost. Only 2 more days to go. Then it's......SPOOKY MONTH!

Groups are going well, better than I thought they would. I still don't really feel like I belong there, but whatever. I've decided to call this a 90-day sober challenge instead of "rehab". Yes, I intend to go back to drinking IN MODERATION after it's over. I'll be fine, I just need to remind myself every day to make better decisions. Sober Halloween. Ugh. But I can do it.

Speaking of Halloween, still trying to come up with a better Halloween costume, but for now, my plan is Galactic Council. I won't describe it here so I can keep the details under wraps, but it's not bad, Laurel and I are planning to go to Halloween at the Bronze (Buffy themed) at Holoscene on the 25th. I need to find my Buffy outfit. I'm pretty sure the shirt is in my closet but Im not sure where the pants are. Or my stake for that matter. Halloween at the Snug I'll wear the Galactic Council costume, but at the Bronze I gotta be Buffy :) Oh shit, where are my boots? I need my boots. Time to clean my room I guess, lol.

The whole house needs an overhaul. Nextstage picked up all the extraneous boxes, and Mick is coming to get my dialysis machine today, then we need to figure out what to do with the rest. I'm thinking of packing it up in the car and going to Piedmont and telling John and Toland, take what you can and I'll figure out the rest. Anyway, then we need to reoganize the house for Chloe's birthday party.

Weather is supposed to be nice on Sunday, so the outside party should work, but just in case the house needs to be ready. Chloe is worried no one will show up. Only Charlie and Tabby have confirmed so far. Time to go work my social magic on people. She wants to cancel the party rather than be disappointed, but I think she should give it a chance first. We shall see. 

Ok, time to get ready for the machine pickup. I guess I keep the chair. Too bad it doesn't have heat and massage. Oh well. It did help with Charlie's bloody nose yesterday. Flipped him back. LOL. It was funny.

Life can't suck, my warranty is still good...

 So Chloe is still here. For how long, who knows. I have met with my SUD counselor, Mike, he's nice. I do my first group tomorrow night via zoom. We'll see how that goes. It better not be stupid. Chloe said she hasn't decided yet re: her staying or going. I think shes waiting to see if I actully do the groups. My second group is in person on Friday.

I'm just so squicked out by groups. Give me one on one. I hated LifeWorks when I had to do it for my DUI. This is different though, no court order. 

I thought I had more to say. or maybe I'm just starting to feel the gummies, but I'm done here.

Wow that was a long break...

 I keep meaning to write, and then I don't. And I don't know if I can now. I'll try.

I have a therapist! Things are going well so far, I like her. I look forward to our sessions. SO that's a thing.

I'm going to be assessed for Substance Use Disorder, mostly to prove to Chloe that I don't need rehab. She's gone a bit overboard lately. Demanding I go to rehab because of 3 nights in the last few MONTHS where I made bad choices. 3 nights! But whatever. I'll do what I need to do.

I'm going back to doing dialysis in-center; home hemo has proven to be very difficult on my and Chloe's friendship. She takes her role as caregiver a little TOO seriously, and I feel like I'm suffocating. So she says she's leaving and never speaking to me again. We will see how things go. I'm not going to fight for her to stay; I've done enough of that over the last 20 years. 

I have good friends, and a family who (mostly) supports me, I'll be ok. I'm just worried about her. My mom says, "That's not your concern," but I can't help it; I love her and care about her well-being. 

My heart is breaking. My world is....not collapsing, but changing catastrophically. But my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces, and I don't know if I can put it all back together this time. My trust in people is severely damaged, not just because of her but because of someone else I thought was a friend.

Well, time goes by, and you learn who NOT to confide in, I guess.

The last straw for me with Chloe was when she demanded that I quit doing karaoke. Oh HELL NO, you did not just say that. Karaoke is my creative outlet, my chance to really be ME. I said I was just done at that point. Am I, though? Maybe. This time isn't like other times; it seems more final. She gave me back every single thing I ever bought for her or gave her, now that stuff is taking over my room...I asked her to at least keep the violin that I got her for her birthday several years ago...she said she didn't want to keep anything that reminded her of me. I think it's petty and childish, but whatever.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say right now except that once again, I will try to get better at this journaling thing.

Just wanted to share this..

 ...this just popped up on my Facebook feed (credit given at end):

In 1923 Adolf Hitler incited an insurrection against the German government. He was tried, given a slap on the wrist, and became a convicted felon. Despite being treated charitably by the judge, Hitler claimed the trial was political persecution and successfully portrayed himself as a victim of the “corrupt" Social Democrats.

Hitler cleverly positioned himself as the voice of the "common man," railing against the "elites," cultural "degeneracy," and the establishment, who he all labeled as "Marxists." He claimed the education system was indoctrinating children to hate Germany, and promised to return Germany to greatness.

To solidify his base, Hitler masterfully scapegoated minorities for the nation's problems, exploiting societal divisions with an "us vs. them" narrative. Many Germans took the bait. Hitler's Nazi Party continued to gain traction, until he became Chancellor in 1933.

Hitler appointed German oligarchs as his economic advisors. He proceeded to privatize government run utilities, solidifying support of the economic elite.

With the working class divided along cultural and ethnic lines, the Nazis shut down workers unions and abolished strikes.

Progressives and trade unionists were imprisoned and sent to concentration camps. Corporate profits skyrocketed while working class Germans lived paycheck to paycheck.

Hitler, who became a billionaire while in office, knew he and his clan of oligarchs could get away with the scam if they constantly had an "enemy within" to blame while the corporatocracy robbed the country blind.

An easy target was one of the smallest minorities. Hitler removed birthright citizenship rights of Jews and started rounding them up for mass deportations for being "illegally" in the country.

The German press under Nazi rule highlighted instances of violence by Jews to convince the public that Jewish immigrants were a danger to the "real Germans."

Hitler wasted no time dismantling democratic institutions. Loyalty wasn't just encouraged; it was demanded. Opponents were silenced. Media that dared to questioned[sic] him were vilified as "the enemy" and "Marxists."

Hitler's Propaganda Minister, Joseph Goebbels, bragged about how the Nazis were able to intimidate the media into giving them favorable coverage, and didn't need to give direct orders.

The Nazi regime and its followers collected all books they saw as promoting "degeneracy" or what would be considered "woke" today, and burned them in large bonfires. They also burned books that promoted class consciousness.

Berlin had a thriving LGBTQ community in the 1920s, and even had the first transgender clinic. The Nazis burned it to the ground. LGBTQ people were sent to concentration camps and forced to wear triangle badges. Many were killed in the Holocaust.

The Nazis also saw manhood as under threat by independent women who didn't rely on men. In 1934, Hitler proclaimed, “A women’s world is her her husband, her family, her children, her house." Laws that had protected women's rights were repealed and new laws were introduced to restrict women to the home and in their roles as wives and mothers.

Reproductive rights were severely rolled back, and doctors who performed abortions could face the death penalty.

Despite all of this, the German people didn't have a similar historical parallel to look upon as a warning.

Most Germans never acted like the sky was falling.

Most just went along with their lives as usual, until many of their lives were snuffed out. By the time Hitler's reign was forced to an end by the Allied Powers, 11 million people were murdered in the Holocaust, and 70-85 million were killed in WW2 .

Monica Aksamit

Bluesky

More ramblings...

 I told my mom I would try to write more often, so here I am again. But what to write about?

My birthday party is tomorrow. Chloe says I need to stop micromanaging and let her take charge, and she's right, of course. It's just hard to stop! :) But my mom paid for the few extra decorations we picked up at Dollar Tree, at least, and I turned them over to Chloe. She's getting my cake tomorrow at 4 p.m. and then going to the bar to set up, so I don't even need to be there until 6 p.m. for my usual karaoke setup. I told Brian to be there around 6-6:30. I'm hoping for a good turnout. We'll see.

Thn on Thursday I turn 55. That's a lot of years. When did that happen? What more is to come? Who knows, I'm just trying to survive. Enjoy the today, because who knows how many are left. I'll probably look back on this in 20 years and go, wow, that was quick. So I try to enjoy today.

Today, Chloe and Daniel are in the dining room making art. I have the Simpsons on in the background as I type this, and Dory is sleeping on my bed. Willow is in Chloe's room on the heating pad. We have rooms. We have a roof over our head. But every day I worry about how much longer that will be the case. Every day I worry about paying my mom back all the money she's spent on me since I got sick. Every day is just survival until the next. The USA empire is crashing, thanks to a party that's doing it's best to be the next Third Reich. Germany fell and so will we. But Germany rebuilt. The world rebuilt. And put that away until it reared it's ugly head on our shores. It's like the freedom my grandfather and so many others fought for was for naught. But not, for sane minds will eventually prevail. I hope.

Ok enough ranting and rambling for tonight. I wrote. Now I just need to get better.

I need to write more.

 Like it will help somehow, I don't know. Writer's block is a real thing. 

I could write about....living with stage 5 kidney disease. I'm not that wrapped up in it though, I'm just trying to survive it. What does that look like,, you ask? Well, going to dialysis 3 times a week for four hours each time. So, time-consuming. Watching my labs. Watching what I eat and drink (no more than 2 kilos fluid gain between dialysis visits! Who am I kidding, I put on 4 over the weekend, ugh) because the more fluid I gain, the harder it is on my heart. My mom thinks my kidney issues could be stress-related, cortisol, and all that. I don't know, maybe. So now I have to try and have less stress? In this time, in this fucking country? Not bloody likely. Money, it always comes down to money with my stress, though. I was doing so well, pulling down 38k a year before my kidney failure...and then they let me go because they didn't wanna work with my dialysis schedule? And I thought they valued me. Big mistake on my part, apparently. Yes, I am still pissed about that.  

Dr. Urbanc said I was medically interesting, which is not something one should be. Let's see, cancer survivor, and kidney failure survivor, still have sleep apnea, and thyroid issues, not to mention arthritis in my hips making it hard to walk very long, arthritis in my knees, and my left shoulder (where I broke it), what else..? High blood pressure, of course. At least my type 2 diabetes is well managed by my Trulicty scrip. Then there's depression, anxiety, OCD, and possibly a touch of ADD, not sure on that one, not officially diagnosed, but it wouldn't surprise me.

What else can I write about? I'm having a great time being a karaoke host once a week, and tips usually provide me with some spending money, which is nice. My volunteer gig with VAS, well, I've moved up to Acting Secretary, which could eventually be a paid position once we start getting grants and fundraising money. Between those things and dialysis, my life is pretty busy. Today was a blah day though. I did manage to go to my mammogram appointment and do a little grocery shopping but have lacked the motivation to do much else, and I guess it's ok to have those days once in a while, especially given my situation. But what to make for dinner? The neverending question of adult life, lol.

Speaking of adult life, I turn 55 next week. My birthday party will be on the 10th at karaoke at the bar, but I think it's going to be fun. Brian, my backup KJ (and former drummer of Sweaty Nipples and for a short time, Everclear) will be there to run things so I can mingle. Then on the 13th, my mom is making me a nice dinner <3. And I will officially be a senior, HA. Not ha. Idk. Hopefully, I can start drawing on SS (not just disability) and make enough to live on, I guess my cousin gets about 4 grand a month. I could live well on that. Until inflation makes it hard again. 

Ok enough rambling, my tummy is growling and I still need to figure out what to make for dinner.