Ok, so it's not even December yet... but my prospects for present buying at this point are next to nil. Life is so damn expensive. And yes, Chloe could be helping more. But she is trying. She did 2 markets over the weekend and made some money, but I'm sure not as much as she had hoped.
Still no word from Mark. Intrusive thoughts say he was just playing, everything I saw and felt was in my imagination, I went overboard, but dammit, it felt SO real. I don't get it. So I wait. In the hopes that it wasn't just my imagination. Not like I am putting my life on hold or anything. Just holding a place for him. Just in case. Missing him is a daily ache I deal with.
Passed my 2-year mark at Extra Space in silence, with no kudos from my coworkers or boss or anything. Just an internal satisfaction that I made it another year, the disappointment that I still haven't been promoted, the uncertainty that I even want to be. I want to be working for myself, writing and doing voice work, but I can't seem to be a very motivational boss to myself lol. I save pins on Pinterest, but I never manage to take the action needed to make them happen.
I think it's partly my environment. This apartment...omg we need to get the exterminators in here so bad, but after working so much, neither Chloe nor I have the motivation to do the prep work necessary. Cleaning is the last thing we want to do when we are exhausted, physically and mentally. But it is SO badly needed. Not just for us, but for our furbabies, too.
Made it through the first holiday without Annie. I feel like she was there, at least part of the time, grumpy that I didn't make double-layer pumpkin cheesecake, but I think she would have liked my cranberry fluff. She was probably with us and also with her kids in Glide. Carol and Marty were there, and Chloe, although Chloe had to leave a little early to get ready for her market. All in all, a very good feast. And I got texts back from both of my brothers, which was nice. Christmas will be with them, Colen's on Xmas eve, and Noah's new place on Xmas day. Mom is renting an SUV, and we are going up with her, Kamal, and the kids.
Regardless, I am taking Annie's birthday off. It's a Wednesday, so I will also have the day after off. I just need to sit down and allow myself to feel the grief that I have pushed down under the surface and get through it. If that's even possible. Maybe do a healing spell? At least meditate.
In the interest of trying to get back into writing, I really am going to try and write more often. Call it a pre-new years resolution. :) But, as usual, don't hold me to it, ok? :)
