I keep meaning to write, and then I don't. And I don't know if I can now. I'll try.
I have a therapist! Things are going well so far, I like her. I look forward to our sessions. SO that's a thing.
I'm going to be assessed for Substance Use Disorder, mostly to prove to Chloe that I don't need rehab. She's gone a bit overboard lately. Demanding I go to rehab because of 3 nights in the last few MONTHS where I made bad choices. 3 nights! But whatever. I'll do what I need to do.
I'm going back to doing dialysis in-center; home hemo has proven to be very difficult on my and Chloe's friendship. She takes her role as caregiver a little TOO seriously, and I feel like I'm suffocating. So she says she's leaving and never speaking to me again. We will see how things go. I'm not going to fight for her to stay; I've done enough of that over the last 20 years.
I have good friends, and a family who (mostly) supports me, I'll be ok. I'm just worried about her. My mom says, "That's not your concern," but I can't help it; I love her and care about her well-being.
My heart is breaking. My world is....not collapsing, but changing catastrophically. But my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces, and I don't know if I can put it all back together this time. My trust in people is severely damaged, not just because of her but because of someone else I thought was a friend.
Well, time goes by, and you learn who NOT to confide in, I guess.
The last straw for me with Chloe was when she demanded that I quit doing karaoke. Oh HELL NO, you did not just say that. Karaoke is my creative outlet, my chance to really be ME. I said I was just done at that point. Am I, though? Maybe. This time isn't like other times; it seems more final. She gave me back every single thing I ever bought for her or gave her, now that stuff is taking over my room...I asked her to at least keep the violin that I got her for her birthday several years ago...she said she didn't want to keep anything that reminded her of me. I think it's petty and childish, but whatever.
Anyway, I don't have much else to say right now except that once again, I will try to get better at this journaling thing.
