Upcoming surgery...

So July 1st I am having a total laparoscopic hysterectomy (well, not *total* total, they are taking the uterus and fallopian tubes but leaving the ovaries.). Recovery time is 4-6 weeks. Already talked to my manager at Party City, he agreed not to call me back to work before I was recovered. I'm just going to be SO HAPPY when it's all over. I have been bleeding to one degree or another since April 22nd, and I am OVER IT. Today is a good day, almost like it stopped, but I no longer trust my reproductive system. My doctor managed to get OHP to waive the nicotine test requirement (THANK GOD... I mean, I know I need to quit, I'm just not there mentally yet), so I don't have to have the stress of trying to quit on top of the stress of having an organ removed from my body (the uterus is an organ, right? Or is it some other designation? Hmm. I'll have to google.) I find myself getting anxious about it, but then I remember my lumpectomy, what, 6? years ago? and how it went pretty well (except the part where I woke up to my left boob being WAY SMALLER than I was expecting). I wonder if removing my uterus will help with the belly pooch I can never seem to get rid of? Dr. Pollo said I had an "oversized uterus", so maybe it being gone will help. All I know is NO MORE PERIODS, HUZZZAH!!! Pre-op appointment is June 19th, I should know more by then. I wrote up a list of questions to ask so that I go into the procedure well-informed.

In other news, geez, so much other news in the world I don't know where to even start. For now, how about BLACK LIVES MATTER, COPS ARE ASSHOLES, WE NEED CHANGE NOW, and BERNIE WOULD HAVE WON.

More later on those if I feel up to it.

Let me share a few stories about my dealings with police officers.

In 1974, my stepfather was pulled over for running a red light in LA. We lived in Lake Isabella and went into LA once a week to do laundry, grocery shopping, and I, being 4, got candy that was supposed to last the week. We were "long haired hippies" so the cops handcuffed all the adults and threw them in the squad car, threw our clean laundry all over the freeway, and went through my candy piece by piece, presumably looking for drugs. I was held with my hands behind my back outside the squad car. I was crying for my mom. I was terrified. The memory is burned into my mind, even 46 years later. When they found no drugs, they let us go. We had to pick up our laundry off the road, I cried over my destroyed candy, it was fucking ridiculous.
1987, Kailua-Kona Hawaii. I was babysitting for my boyfriend's sister in law, who had a newborn. While she was still out with friends, her husband, my boyfriend's brother, came home shitfaced drunk. He wanted to take his new baby out and show her off. I refused. I said no way was he getting near the baby when he was so drunk. He proceeded to beat the crap out of me *while I was holding the baby* to the point I saw stars for the first time in my life. I called the cops. Small town. Cop managed to convince me to not press charges because "this is a family matter". I regret that every day of my life.
If you ever want to know why I don't trust cops (other than reading the news fucking DAILY), now you know why. Fuck the police.

I got a freakin car!!

I purchased a 2000 Toyota Corolla today. $300 less than asking price. 166k miles. Everything looks legit. Got insurance. I own it, no payments or financing. SO FREAKING HAPPY. Not just because of the car, but because if I can do this, I can get my RV. It's.a.step. Just saying. Making shit happen. HELLFUCKINGYES!!!!

need.car.

Ok, it's time. I need a car. What I am looking for: RELIABLE (don't care much about looks, I want something I'm not always having to FIX). 2001-2005 (or later) Toyota Camry under $2000, under 150000 miles. Everything working, inc heat, AC, stereo (just radio is fine, bonus points for CD or aux input), windows, doors; good tags (DMV not open, so..), clean title. Bonus points: sun or moon roof. It can be auto or manual, I can drive both. Must have decent tires!!

Am I asking for too much? I hope not.

Would like to purchase ASAP, or at least before I have to go back to work so I don't have to take public transportation.

United States of Tara

In some ways, I can really relate to Tara's multiple personalities. Drunk me is totally different than sober me. But. I am still in control, mostly. Like., drunk me is like fuck this shit gimme another drink. But sober me is like seriously, calm the fuck down, I'm good. Sometimes sober me wins. Other times, drunk me wins and I wake up with a massive hangover. Chloe hates drunk me. But sometimes drunk me is fun, and funny. Other times drunk me is sloppy and stupid.  She'd rather I be stoned than drunk. But stoned hurts my lungs. Whatever. I kind of feel like the end result of United States of Tara will help me somehow. Idk the cuz its bedtime. Next ep is season 3 ep 6... halfway thru the last season. We'll see.

Still no stimulus...

...and still no tax return. I found a copy of my 2018 W2, so I finally got those mailed off, but who knows when I will see that one either. The check my refund button on the IRS website just says "still processing" on my 2019 return, and I imagine I won't see the stimulus until after my tax return is processed. At least I was able to figure out that I *did* give them my direct deposit info (for my Chime card), so at least I won't have to wait additional time for a paper check. But still. It's frustrating. And in the news, it appears that I will probably have to go back to work in a month or so. No confirmation on that for sure, just my best guess with the information provided.

I finished Grimm a few days ago, and I find myself missing that fictional world. Too bad it ended at season 6. It was so much better than I originally thought. I am REALLY wishing season 5 of Lucifer would hurry up and drop, I can only rewatch the whole series so many times...At least some of my CW shows are still airing episodes. Those will run out soon too, I'm sure.

Mostly I am just so bored... bored with food choices, entertainment choices, activity options...I guess cabin fever is finally setting in. Even things that I would otherwise be all for just seem...meh. One thing recently did excite me tho... they revealed the lineup for Drag Race All Stars 5. It looks like it will be awesome! I skipped season 12 of Drag Race because I just couldn't get enthused about it (although I did watch Snatch Game on YouTube).

It's a beautiful day out...Sunny, 81 degrees...and I've been inside all day. Meh. In a world not shuttered by a pandemic, I would have found a way to the river by now. Or at least that's what I tell myself. I didn't do much more than work last summer, so, there's that.

Omg Under Pressure by David Bowie just came on my Spotify playlist and all I can think of is when they sang the song on The Magicians... it was SO GOOD. And Chloe keeps procrastinating us watching the rest of season 5 because it's the last one. I understand, but damn I really want to see it!

Ok, that's it for me for now. Hopefully I'll remember to update again sooner rather than later.

So, "quarantine fatigue" is a thing...

...and might explain my irritability lately. Maybe the root of it is that I'm annoyed with myself for not accomplishing more, and for gaining weight, so much weight, since I stopped working full time. I feel like a bloated pig. So disgusted with myself. Keep hoping it will reach "so disgusted with myself that I do something about it", but I don't seem to be quite there yet, ugh.
And SO unmotivated in general. STILL haven't found my 2018 W2. I'm going to see if I can get a copy from Fred Meyer, because I think that was the only job I worked in 2018. (Well, and T&T, but that was off the books, I believe.) I have the filled out tax return, printed out even, just not sure where the W2 got off to.
Ugh I just wanna go back to sleep.

Borrowed from someone on FB..

So we don’t forget.... 🦠😷🧤😥

Today is Sunday, April 26, 2020.

- We are at 43 days of social isolation.

- The dollar is worth $ 5.32, the euro $ 5.77 and the pound $ 6.54.

- Schools have been closed since mid March and are teaching remotely on-line. This will continue for the rest of the school year.

- There are lines / tapes inside the stores on the floors to keep people 6 feet apart.

- Bars and restaurants are open only for takeout, home delivery & pick-up.

- Parks, beaches, hiking trails and walk-in places are not accessible to the public.

- All major and minor league sports competitions have been cancelled as well as kid's sports.

- All festivals and entertainment events have been banned.

- Weddings, family celebrations and birthdays have been cancelled. Funerals limited to 10-20 people.

- People are doing drive-by parades to celebrate birthdays!

- Young kids can’t understand why they can only see grandparents & other extended family and friends on a screen or thru a window if someone visits in person or on Facetime online.

- Hugs and kisses are not exchanged.

- The churches are closed or online.

- We have to stay away from each other more than six feet.

- Shortage of disposable masks and gloves in hospitals.

- There are fewer ventilators than there should be.

- People are wearing masks, some places even REQUIRE that you wear them to enter! People are even sewing their own cloth masks for sale or donation to medical facilities.

- Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, bleach, antibacterial wipes and anything Lysol or Clorox is in short supply and limited per person.... IF you can even find them!

- Stores are closing early to disinfect everything. (24 hour stores are even closing by 9pm)

- Store check outs, pharmacies and even fast food drive thru windows have added plexiglass between the employee and the customer. Have to reach around or under to pay!

- You can't find isopropyl alcohol easily. .. the supply per person is limited.

- Australia, USA, Canada and Europe have closed their borders.

- Western Australia has been divided into 9 territories & an instant $1,500 fine issued for crossing the border without a valid reason. (Transport workers, Essential services etc)

- No one is travelling for leisure. Airports empty. Tourism has the worst crisis in history.

Why do I post this?

Next year & then every year after, this status will appear in my Facebook memories feed. And it will be an annual reminder that life is precious & that nothing should be taken for granted. We are where we are with what we have. Let's be grateful.

This text is anonymous, it's not mine, but I copied because I want to remember it too.

So thankful. But I feel guilty.

So I got my state tax return direct deposit. $305, not a huge amount, but I got it instead of it being garnished for student loans. When I finally get my federal, that's another $1232. Plus $1200 stimulus. Plus currently getting $894/wk on unemployment. And then more when I find my 2018 W2s and file my return. 

I am so grateful, but at the same time I feel bad for being ok when so many are struggling. I want to go help people, but can barely handle the anxiety to go grocery shopping. I don't want to get this virus. The accounts I've read are horrifying. Feeling like you're suffocating, or drowning..  I already have panic attacks when I can't swallow or breathe, even for a moment.. this virus carries that feeling on for days, even weeks. I just can't. I'm going to find a way. So far, though, I've pretty much been homebound. I only leave for groceries (9/10 its Freddy's.. I think I've been to Winco like once), Plaid Pantry, liquor store (twice), and dispensary (more for Chloe than me). And whatever fast food drive thru my ride wants to go to (a few times.. Wendy's, Taco Bell, Jack in a Box, McDonalds). I hate that I'm gaining weight. Need to get back on my diet and start going on walks again.  And quit fucking smoking, ugh. Need a hysterectomy after this is all over but have to be nicotine free for 6 weeks first. 

Started rewatching Grimm. Kinda cool seeing all the landmarks I recognize.. wish I had been more into it before it got cancelled and was still filming here. Ok bedtime. Need to find those 2018 W2s tomorrow.  And pay bills. And shower. And celebrate 4/20. :)

Political rant time

But first, a bit of history...When I was 18, it was a presidential election year. 1988. I was told by older adults that I had to register as a Democrat or Republican because the other parties didn't matter, their votes never amounted to anything. I lived through Reagan. I knew if I had to choose, I was a Democrat. (I know now I have been a Progressive all my life...More on that in a bit)  Back then I believed what I was told. "That's how the game is played". That always bothered me. This is people's lives, not a fucking game. But back then, I thought Democrats were ok. I liked Jimmy Carter. Granted, I was in elementary school at the time. But I also liked Gerald Ford. I didn't really understand parties back then. I just thought they were both good men. I knew right away that I didn't like Reagan, or RayGun as we called him back then. He liked war. I was fascinated by the civil unrest of the 60s when I was in high school. My dad served in Vietnam (and ultimately having done so was what killed him in 1991, he was only 41). I knew anyone in favor of war was a bad guy.
As the years went on, I did my duty as a good little Democrat and voted with my party. I didn't feel engaged, because what the hell did my vote matter anyway? That was how the game was played. Right? I hated the Bushes, liked Bill Clinton but now cringe in retrospect. I mean, he played the sax on the Arsenio Hall show, he must be cool, right? I was so naive.
Then along came Obama, promising a brighter future. Progressive policies. Enough for 2 terms. But over the course of those 2 terms, it became clear that a lot of that was mostly just lip service. I wanted to like Obama, I still do to some degree, but realized he was just part of the political "game".
Then I hear about this senator. Surprised I hadn't heard of him before, because he's been in the senate a long time, but decided to do some research. The more I learned the more I knew, THIS WAS HIM. The once in a lifetime (well, twice now, actually ha ha) candidate that was actually fighting for the working class. I read articles, watched senate clips. I got goosebumps. This was our guy. And then I knew what I was. A progressive supporter of human rights. (Seriously, its in my FB and Twitter bios, has been for years now). And that's what Bernie Sanders is, a man of the people, and more astonishingly, probably the only honest man in politics. He was running against Hillary, who quickly revealed herself to be a corporate shill. I talked to my mom about it. She said she was voting for Hillary, she's got the recognition and will probably get the votes. I said, well, just check out this guy Bernie, mom, I think he's got a shot, and what he says is so on point. A few days later I talked to her again. She did her own research and was so enthusiastic, and agreed that he's the guy. I had never known my mom to be super political. I mean, I know she was part of the counter culture movement in the 60s, "we wanted to change the world", but that was before I was born, and when I was a toddler (we lived on Alcatraz for a few months as part of that Native American occupation in the early 70s). Today she is one of the biggest Bernie supporters that I know. I also found out recently that while I went Green in the general in 2016, she did what I was scared to do and wrote Bernie in. This time I will be following her lead, if Bernie is not the nominee. AND. After Oregon's primary and voting for Bernie (Oregon is one of the states where you have to be a registered Democrat to vote for the Democratic nominee), I will be leaving the Democratic party as I did in 2016 with one difference: I won't be back. I'm done. The Democrats are no longer a party of the people (if they ever were), they serve their corporate overlords just like the Republicans. There is no evil and less evil anymore, there is just evil with two faces, and I refuse to be a party to it any longer. I'm done. #DemExit, but for permanent. I am disgusted by how far we have fallen. Disgusted by the current government in this country. Kind of wish I had the blinders of yesteryear, thinking things were so great, but also grateful that the blinders have fallen away and I see things for what they are: broken. And I will fight for a better world. This can't be the best we can do. It just can't.

SUCCESS!

I FINALLY DID THE LAUNDRY! After it sat here for almost 3 weeks. Had to. Was running out of underwear.
In other news, still under stay at home orders, haven't killed Chloe yet, lol. Also haven't accomplished a whole hell of a lot other than my Netflix queue. And laundry. :) Stayed on dishes and trash. Still need to take out recycling again.
I'm gonna end there because if I keep going, it's going to get political and I'm not ready to talk about that yet.